Season Six: Auditions
Pie here. Set up with a cell phone headset, free weekend minutes, a TiVo, and a glass of wine, even though it’s the middle of the afternoon. I call Weetabix.
Pie: “Wow, this headset is crazy. I feel like you’re in the room.”
Weetabix: “I am in the room, can’t you see me?”
Pie: “No.”
Weetabix: “It’s because I’ve lost weight.”
Pie: “Hee! Oh, we’re already funny! So what kind of wine are you going to drink?”
Weetabix: “Chateu de Vuvay of Sant Frumay Bordeaux.”
Pie: “I don’t know if I can spell that…”
Weetabix: “I can spell it for you.”
Pie: “It’s probably funnier the way I spelled it.”
Weetabix: “Probably.”
Pie: I usually don’t even watch these audition rounds, but I am feeling American Idol fever this year. Maybe we should talk about that.”
Weetabix: “Yeah, we should. I think it’s a sham. It’s fun to watch Clay Aiken being a dork or Diana deGarmo get shit from Simon, but it’s awful to see someone developmentally disabled get made fun of just for the sake of good television.”
Pie: “There are some people who like watching the audition rounds, and that’s all, but I unusually don’t even watch until they get to Hollywood.”
Weetabix: “I prefer watching people with actual talent.”
Pie: “Yeah.”
Weetabix: “Although… last week there was a girl named Misha on the Seattle show, and she didn’t have a bra on, and it made my head explode.”
Pie: “In a good way?”
Weetabix: “No.”
Pie: “So that proves your point.”
Weetabix: “You know how I feel about support. And she was a larger girl and had on a satin button-down shirt that was perhaps a little tight, and a skirt, and opaque tights, and blinding white tennis shoes.”
Pie: “Oooh.”
Weetabix: “And her dogs were sniffin’ the floor. They honestly had to be touching the waistband of her skirt. It was not pretty. But I’m sure the producers gave her a bunch of compliments so that on camera she would say, ‘I feel sexy.’”
[We try to synchronize our TiVos]
Weetabix: “Okay. I have Ryan Seacrest beseeching America to love him.”
Pie: “I kind of missed Ryan Seacrest. Is that wrong?”
Weetabix: “I don’t think that’s wrong. I think wanting Ryan Seacrest is wrong.”
Pie: “No worries there.”
Weetabix: “I miss the Dunkelman. Not the actual person. I miss the handkerchief.”
Pie: “Hee.”
Weetabix: “I miss the glass bridge. I think that’s the claw in the background.”
Pie: “The claw?
Weetabix: “Taylor!”
Pie: “During the audition rounds, Taylor’s picture is off to the side… Oh, we’re back in NY. Times Square was my first clue. Wow, that’s a lot of people.”
Weetabix: “It’s misleading, because 90% of those people don’t get in front of the judges.”
Pie: “Well, there’s no way they could see them all.”
Weetabix: “Carole Bayer Sager looks like fucking Joan Collins!”
Pie: “I don’t even know who she is. I heard she was useless and they cut her out of most of the episodes.”
Weetabix: “Look at the big hair in all of these pictures of the people from these highlights. That’s how long it’s been since she’s done anything.”
Pie: “Well, it’s been a long time since Dynasty.”
Weetabix: “I do enjoy ‘That’s What Friends Are For.’”
Pie: “Why do they have to separate Paula and Carol?”
Weetabix: “Esteban, you are sick! He just made the universal sign for oral sex. Between women, he wants to clarify.”
IAN BENARDO
Pie: “What is wrong with him?”
Weetabix: “He’s creepy. There’s something about his mouth. WHAT IS UP WITH HIS MOUTH?”
Pie: “This is such an act, I think. I believe they’re all acting.”
Weetabix: “Yeah, I do too.”
Pie: “Well, he’s about to get completely shut down. And look, Taylor is all off to the side. Carrie is in the middle of all of them.”
Weetabix: “Yeah, Carrie’s fellating that microphone right behind Simon’s head.”
Pie: “As you do. Maybe it’s in order of records sold?”
Weetabix: “Yeah, it seems like she’s in every shot.”
Pie: “They just want to forget about Taylor.”
Weetabix: “See now, how many minutes are we into this? Why did we have to waste our time with this?”
Pie: “Ratings.”
Weetabix: “Kelly is in the corner. Carrie and Kelly are flanking the words American Idol.”
Pie: “It’s sad that analyzing that backdrop is way more interesting than watching this guy get mocked.”
Weetabix: “I’m worried about the amount of metal Randy wears. It seems like the more as he gains weight, the more metal he puts on.”
“Gloria”
Pie: “They’re thinking he might be an act too. Either he’s putting on an act, or he’s mentally unwell.”
Weetabix: “He’s just stalling at this point, to be on the show longer.”
Pie: “That’s true. People know if they act up in front of the judges, they’ll get airtime.”
Weetabix: “I kind of like the security guy though. He’s wearing an interesting ensemble. When did those epaulet things come back for men’s shoulders? Ryan looks like he’s wearing a Members Only jacket.”
Pie: “Why do I suddenly have affection for Ryan Seacrest? Even with the epaulets?”
Weetabix: “Because he has to deal with this. He doesn’t have a table protecting himself from the crazy people.”
Pie: “Well there you go. Ian Benardo dot com is, I’m sure, on fire.”
SARAH BURGESS
Weetabix: “She looks like a young Mandy Moore.”
Pie: “She does. She has a little ski-jump nose.”
Weetabix: “She has adorable eyes though. Like you took Kattharine McPhevere and sort of scrunched her down.”
Pie: “Oh, she just wants her daddy to love her.”
Weetabix: “America loves you, ski-jump nose!”
Pie: “Wow, she REALLY has daddy issues. Because this doesn’t seem fake.”
Weetabix: “No, I think she’s probably a good singer.”
Pie: “Yeah, she’s got a pretty voice.”
“Call Me”
Weetabix: “The next time I sing this for Karaoke Revolution, I’m going to try and sing it like this. And then The game will downgrade me.”
[Simon likes her]
Weetabix: “I knew Simon would like her.”
Pie: “I think Carole Bayer Sager is just going to agree with what everyone else says.”
Ian: “AAAH, LOOK AT HER HAIR!”
Pie: “Is Ryan Seacrest text messaging someone as he’s talking to this girl?”
Weetabix: “No, she’s going to talk to her dad. And he has the same phone I do!”
Pie: “’Who is this??’ Wow, her dad IS an asshole. Oh, he’s happy for her, even though he’s not sure who she is.”
Weetabix: “‘I’m happy for you, miscellaneous person calling me!’”
Pie: “Hee!”
Weetabix: “ She just checked out Ryan’s package! I kid you not!”
COMMERCIALS
Pie: “There’s Constantine’s smug face. Why do they keep showing Constantine? Where are they now? Are they in somewhere else?”
Weetabix: “No, they’re in NY. They’re going to be in NY the whole time.”
GREEK GIRL WHOSE NAME I DID NOT CATCH, BUT IS POSSIBLY FANIA TASKALANOS
Weetabix: “Paula looks drugged. She looked like she was falling asleep for a second.”
Pie: “ She looks annoyed or something. “
“Africa”
Weetabix: “This is pretty terrible.”
Pie: “It is unreal.”
Weetabix: “She’s got a snaggle tooth.”
Pie: “That’s not her fault. Paula’s mad at Simon or something.”
Weetabix: “I don’t know what Paula’s doing. She’s dressed like a pilgrim, though. She kind of looks like a slutty pilgrim.”
ASHANTI JOHNSON
Pie: “She’s been on it twice. Good for her.”
Weetabix: “She’s got some booty.”
Pie: “‘I’ve eaten more than I’ve ever eaten.’ That was a random comment.”
“Loving You”
Pie: “This is the worst song in the entire world.”
Weetabix: “Maya Rudolph’s mother wrote it and sang it.”
Pie: “I had no idea. I still hate it. But this girl can sing it very well.”
Weetabix: “This is a horrible song to sing. I can’t believe she’s doing. it. This song is like a root canal for your brain.”
Pie: “That is exactly how I feel.”
Weetabix: “She hit that fuckin’ note though. That’s amazing.”
IAN: “She made a Mariah Carey squeak.”
Pie: “Oh, I wanted her to make it.’
IAN: “Why is Paula Abdul dressed like Dorothy?”
Weetabix: “She just picked the worng song. I think she was good.”
[Melodrama music]
Pie: “And now they’re making fun of her! And I like her!”
Weetabix: “I wonder if they called her fat before. She keeps bringing it up.”
Pie: “If she had been really fat, they’d show clips, I think.”
Weetabix: “Paula is trying to make an emotion show on her face, but she’s been Botoxed too much. This girl is so cute.”
Pie: “I think she’s good. I don’t even know why they’d say no. She’s better than ski-jump nose.”
Weetabix: “She is better than ski-jump nose. And every guy that Paula’s given a pass to.”
COMMERCIALS
TWINS
Pie: “Oh god, twins. Oh wait, they’re best friends. What are their names? Amanda and…”
Weetabix: “Amanda and Amanda.”
Pie: “They are annoying.”
Weetabix: “They are just New Jersey princesses. Every girl in New Jersey is just like that.”
SOME DUET
Pie: “They’ve got pretty good voices. “
Weetabix: “I don’t think so. I think they sing along with the radio a lot, you know what I mean?”
[Amanda sings “Crazy”]
Weetabix: “See, she’s really good there. I like her there. Although I don’t like the Cristina Aguilar-ation of Patsy. Also, her eye makeup is a mess.”
Pie: “Randy is, like, not feelin’ it, dawg. The judges all seem underwhelmed and tired.”
Weetabix: “Someone needs to get some Starbucks in there, stat.”
Pie: “And yet Ashanti, who was awesome… “
Weetabix: “ Joan Collins is like “whatever, I’m going to get edited out anyway.”
Pie: “They don’t care at all.”
Weetabix: “’But you’re hot, so whatever.’”
Pie: “This other girl is not as pretty, so she’s not going to make it. Antonella. I like her kind of smoky voice.”
Weetabix: “I think she could be good, as long as she doesn’t do a duet with Amanda. I think her hair is the wrong color,. Her hair should match her eyes, she’s got great eyes.”
Pie: “They seem way more into her. And they said she’s better than her friend!”
Weetabix: “Aw, that is such nice!”
Pie: “‘That is such nice’? I won’t type that.”
Weetabix: “Go ahead. I’m almost done with my bottle of wine, and all I’ve had today is a bowl of special K. You know who Amanda and Amanda remind me of? Rachel Greene’s friends, before she moved to New York.”
CLIFTON BITTLE
Weetabix: “He’s got a crazy grille.”
Pie: “What’s a grille?”
Weetabix: “Like your teeth? Urban slang 101?”
Pie: “Oh.”
Weetabix: “How do I, in the Midwest, know these things? Must be all the hardcore rap I listen to.”
“Touch”
Weetabix: “Oh my god, not ‘Touch.’ I kind of like him, Clifton Bittle. I kind of like him! He needs some veneers.”
Pie: “I don’t know how I feel about him.”
Weetabix: “I think he could do other songs better. And doesn’t The Claw do a harmonica thing?”
Pie: “I’d like to pretend The Claw never happened, and just focus on DAUGHTRY!”
Weetabix: “Daughtry! Poor Clifton.”
Pie: “I think if you like him, you’re drunk.”
Weetabix: “I am a little drunk. He’s got like 42 teeth in his smile! Crazy.”
MONTAGE OF BAD
[We laugh at astronaut suit. It feels like a cheap laugh.]
WILLIAM VAN STONE
Pie: “Aw, you can tell this guy think he’s good.”
Weetabix: “Yeah. See, they shouldn’t laugh at him. They should be more professional than that.”
KIA THORNTON
Weetabix: “I would like to say that I object to the belt over the long shirt trend.”
Pie: “I am in favor of it.”
Weetabix: “Really? We will have to agree to disagree.”
IAN: “She’s in.”
Weetabix: “She’s in.”
Pie: “You both said the same thing. And yeah, she’s good. She’s got a Jennifer Hudson quality.”
Weetabix: “And I was thinking LaToya London. Look at how much extra watch Simon has on his watch. It’s like a giant wrist penis.”
Pie: “I’m not really seeing it, but I like the phrase ‘giant wrist penis.’”
Weetabix: “Wait until he moves his hand.”
DAY TWO NEW YORK
JENRY BEJARANO
Pie: “He does not look 16! He is hot!”
Weetabix: “Oh my god he is HOT. Fuck me, he is hot. I think he’s lying and he’s 26.”
Pie: “I hope he’s lying.”
Weetabix: “He is very edible.”
Pie: “Look at those arms. And he loves his mom.”
Weetabix: “His adopted mom!”
Pie: “So here’s why I‘m a pedophile.”
Weetabix: “I’m a pedophile also. Oh my god, they have Ruben on the backdrop! And he’s with Taylor, in the quadrant of shame.”
Pie: “You’re right!”
Weetabix: “This guy’s gonna be top 10. This is my prediction. Becauyse he is very yummy.”
Pie: “Yeah, he’s a good singer. But he could really be a little older, so I could feel less dirty.”
Weetabix: “He’s 26. He’s lying so he can date older women.”
Pie: “Paula’s into him too.”
Weetabix: “Paula’s suddenly woken up.”
Pie: “What is wrong with this crazy Botox woman?”
Weetabix: “She is dressed like a dominatrix. I kind of want to do my hair like Carole Bayer Sager. You know what her hair is like?”
Pie: “What?”
Weetabix: “Don Music from Sesame Street. The muppet who would bang his head on the piano when he was wrong?”
Pie: “I don’t know that muppet.”
Weetabix: “Oh, you and your Dutch childhood.”
NAKIA CLAIBORNE
Weetabix: “This is going to be a fat, unfortunate girl, you can tell. She’s only got four teeth in her smile. Yet I kind of like her.”
Pie: “I do too.”
Weetabix: “I like Shirley, or whatever her name is.”
Pie: “Nakia.”
Weetabix: “I like Nokia. She’s wearing... slippers.”
Pie: “Those shoes are unfortunate.”
Weetabix: “I actually have a pair very similar. And they are unfortunate. And I’m sure she can’t sing, but I like her. Simon’s gone!”
Pie: “Maybe we missed an explanation of Simon’s absence.”
“Dancing in the Streets”
Weetabix: “She’s good! I like her.”
Pie: “She’s fun! They’re all rockin’ out.”
Weetabix: “If you close your eyes and don’t look at her, she sounds way better than Ashley and Amanda.”
Pie: “I don’t think their names were Ashley and Amanda, but okay.”
Weetabix: “Antonia or something.”
“Dreamin’”
Weetabix: “This is less good.”
Pie: “I like her though! I really like her.”
Weetabix: “Paula is not… into it.”
Pie: “If she was hot, they’d let her go through anyway. And they’re letting Carole Bayer Sager talk!”
Weetabix: “They had to justify why they don’t want the crazy fat girl to go through.”
Pie: “Aw, it’s sad.”
Weetabix: “Aww.”
IAN: “Aww.”
SARAH GOLDBERG
Pie: “Oh god. This is not gonna end well.”
Weetabix: “I like her big thick braid.”
Pie: “What is wrong with her?”
Weetabix: “Where is Simon?”
Pie: “Oh god.”
Weetabix: “She’s got no talent. That’s what’s wrong.”
Pie: “Okay, I vote for her being completely deluded.”
Weetabix: “I think she knows very well she’s not good, and is doing for exposure. That’s my vote.”
[Carole Bayer Sager speaks]
IAN: “Baby, is that a creepy mask, or what?”
[Sarah: “I’m not a singer.”]
Pie: “I’m just flabbergasted by this entire scene.”
Weetabix: “She’s got a point. Paris Hilton can’t sing.”
Pie: “Randy has a point, because Paris Hilton never won American Idol.”
Weetabix: “That’s true ‘I could be the American Idol. that sucks!’”
Pie: “I think that spot’s taken by Taylor. And this is like performance art.”
Weetabix: “This is really strange.”
Pie: “She planned her exit line.”
IAN: “And she couldn’t get out the door!”
Weetabix: “That door is always locked. And now I wondered.”
IAN: “She held up two fingers for 3:00.”
Weetabix: “Ooh, Simon was late.”
COMMERCIAL
GUY WITH HAT
Weetabix: “He looks like Frank Sinatra.”
Pie: “Only dead.”
Weetabix: “He’s 47! He’s like a Frank Sinatra impersonator. And he’s 47! does that mean we can try out for American Idol?”
Pie: “And why is he singing ‘New Yor’?”
JORY STEINBERG
Weetabix: “Her eyebrows are extended way past her eyes.”
Pie: “I somehow hate her. I hate that disc on her shirt.”
Weetabix: “That doesn’t bug me as much as the eyebrows.”
Pie: “Her voice is okay. But there’s something I don’t like about her.”
Weetabix: “I agree. She’s got a horsey Jessica Biel face.”
Pie: “Jessica Biel has a hot body, though.”
Weetabix: “She does. But she has a very horsey face. Yet she doesn’t draw eyebrows 3-inches wide.”
Pie: “This chick really seems to think a lot of herself.”
Weetabix: “She’s got crispy hair. Like if you touched it, it would be crispy.”
Pie: “I really hope this chick does not make it to the top 12.”
Weetabix: “I hope so too. I really don’t want another Ryan Starr.”
PORCELANA PATINO
Pie: “See? For her they showed fat pictures. That is commitment, man.”
Weetabix: “She is smart. She knows that the fat girls don’t get in, unless they’re fantastic, like J. Hudson.”
Pie: “Why is she dressed all trashy, though? It’s good that she explained that, thouh, because now they’re impressed.”
Weetabix: “I can see her coin slot.”
Pie: “I don’t think she’s that good.”
IAN: “Is she a stripper?”
Weetabix: “I think she’s mesmerizing them with her belly button.”
Pie: “I think she’s not going to make it to the top 12, by any stretch.”
Weetabix: “No way. She’s not good enough,. They let her in because she’s got a coin slot.”
Pie: “Is that up above or down below?”
Weetabix: “It’s her ass.”
Pie: “Oh, I thought it was her ‘vagine.’”
MONTAGE OF WEIRD NAMES
Pie: “Who really cares about making fun of people’s names??”
Weetabix: “Dear fat girls: Don’t wear satin.”
Pie: “So it’s like the ‘black people with weird names’ montage.”
Weetabix: “Yeah.”
Pie: “Nice. Is that Olivia Newton John?”
Weetabix: “This is from last night, or Tuesday, or some show that is in the future.”
CHRISTIOPHER HENRY
Pie: “This guy does not look like Simon.”
Weetabix: “He looks more like a very handsome Ricky Gervais.”
Pie: “He’s got a square head like Simon.”
Weetabix: “He’d have to have a lot more bronzer and be older.”
Pie: “And have a buzz cut.”
“Before Your Love.”
Weetabix: “No.”
Pie: “No.”
Weetabix: “He’s got a very nice soprano, though. For a boy. He’s higher than me.”
Pie: “He’s got a lot of control over his voice.”
It’s just not good.”
Pie: “Yeaaah.”
Weetabix: “Seriously, what the judges are saying, that’s what I was thinking. He’s like a female impersonator.”
Pie: “Oh, here’s the Simon/Paula fight.”
Weetabix: “Dude, I think Paula is drunk.”
Paula is always drunk.”
RACHEL ZEVITA
Pie: “Okay, I hate this girl immediately.”
Weetabix: “It’s the glasses. Also, nobody would wear white pants. It’s the new millennium. And she’s got some incredible eyebrows happening.”
“Eternal Life”
Pie: “This is an interesting song choice.”
Weetabix: “I don’t think she should wear a dream catcher as a hair accessory.”
“Get Here If You Can”
Weetabix: “That was kind of interesting.”
Pie: “Again, I hate her.”
Weetabix: “She’s got a dream catcher IN HER HAIR.”
IAN (to Mo Pie, sympathetically): “She’s going to be the next American Idol. She’s going to Hollywood.”
Weetabix: “I kind of want to wax her eyebrows.”
IAN: “How old is she, 12?”
COMMERCIALS
Weetabix: “I am Ryan Seacrest. I will pretend I have rhythm.”
Pie: “I wanna dance with Ryan Seacrest! Maybe I’m just drunk.”
“All Night Long” MONTAGE.
Pie: “This is so pointless.”
Weetabix: “There’s William Hung version 2.0.”
Pie: “There will never be another William Hung.”
Weetabix: “I loved William Hung. I loved how earnest he was.”
CHRIS RICHARDSON
Pie: “‘Interpretated.’ Nice.”
Weetabix: “Oh, he’s going through. He’s not that good, but he’ll go through. They don’t have enough guys. They can’t all be 16, from Brazil, and make us feel dirty. He will not make final 12 though, that is my prediction.”
Pie: “Randy’s like “Timberlake, not Guaraini. There is no Justin Guarini.” And this is the last we’ll se of this guy.”
Weetabix: “He’ll fall apart when he has to do the group thing.”
COMMERICALS
NICHOLAS PEDRO
Weetabix: “We’ve got a flashback.”
Pie: “How hard is it to learn these fucking words?”
Weetabix: “I can sing this drunk.I DO sing this drunk. I bet you and I could sing this drunk right now.”
Pie: “I bet we could.”
Weetabix: “He’s a pansy. Even though he looks nice.”
Pie: “He blew his opportunity and should not get another one.”
Weetabix: “I agree. I do not think he should get a second chance. And I would make him sing ‘Build Me Up Buttercup’ right now.”
Pie: “Oh, Paula likes him.”
Weetabix: “She’s getting itchy.”
COMMERCIALS
Pie: “They went back and shot this, because people are cold and I see Stanta Clause 3 advertisements in the background. Before it was warm and there were autumn loeaves. I call hijinks here.”
ISADORA
Weetabix: “And she’s got really unfortunate skin.”
[“It starts with a J. and I’m not telling.”]
Weetabix: “It’s Jennifer. ‘I wear a foundation that’s four shades darker than my regular skin.’”
Pie: “Oh, this poor girl. I feel bad for her already.”
Weetabix: “And her weepy eye makeup.”
Pie: “I applaud the fact that she’s wearing tight pants, yet I can’t see her panty line.
I am trying to constructively critical.”
IAN: “Sing ‘Lonely goatherd’!”
“Lady Marmalade”
Weetabix: “Is this a song?”
Pie: “I don’t know what this is.”
Weetabix: “It’s French!”
Pie: “Oh, this is just… no. Paula looks like she’s been injected with muscle relaxants.”
Weetabix: “Would you wear socks with those shoes?”
Pie: “No, I would not.”
Weetabix: “I would not either.”
Pie: “The judges have looked tired this entire episode.”
Weetabix: “Because in theory they’ve seen 30,000 people.”
35 PEOPLE MADE IT THROGUH
Weetabix: “They didn’t show half those girls. The fat girl, the orange girl, the girls with pigtails, the girl with the net shirt.”
Pie: “Maybe that means we’ll see more of them later.”
Weetabix: “Oh my god! Fucking fat joke in the fucking preview!”
Pie: “This show has.. some fat jokes.”
Weetabix: “I hate this show.”
Pie: “Seacrest out.”
Pie: “Wow, this headset is crazy. I feel like you’re in the room.”
Weetabix: “I am in the room, can’t you see me?”
Pie: “No.”
Weetabix: “It’s because I’ve lost weight.”
Pie: “Hee! Oh, we’re already funny! So what kind of wine are you going to drink?”
Weetabix: “Chateu de Vuvay of Sant Frumay Bordeaux.”
Pie: “I don’t know if I can spell that…”
Weetabix: “I can spell it for you.”
Pie: “It’s probably funnier the way I spelled it.”
Weetabix: “Probably.”
Pie: I usually don’t even watch these audition rounds, but I am feeling American Idol fever this year. Maybe we should talk about that.”
Weetabix: “Yeah, we should. I think it’s a sham. It’s fun to watch Clay Aiken being a dork or Diana deGarmo get shit from Simon, but it’s awful to see someone developmentally disabled get made fun of just for the sake of good television.”
Pie: “There are some people who like watching the audition rounds, and that’s all, but I unusually don’t even watch until they get to Hollywood.”
Weetabix: “I prefer watching people with actual talent.”
Pie: “Yeah.”
Weetabix: “Although… last week there was a girl named Misha on the Seattle show, and she didn’t have a bra on, and it made my head explode.”
Pie: “In a good way?”
Weetabix: “No.”
Pie: “So that proves your point.”
Weetabix: “You know how I feel about support. And she was a larger girl and had on a satin button-down shirt that was perhaps a little tight, and a skirt, and opaque tights, and blinding white tennis shoes.”
Pie: “Oooh.”
Weetabix: “And her dogs were sniffin’ the floor. They honestly had to be touching the waistband of her skirt. It was not pretty. But I’m sure the producers gave her a bunch of compliments so that on camera she would say, ‘I feel sexy.’”
[We try to synchronize our TiVos]
Weetabix: “Okay. I have Ryan Seacrest beseeching America to love him.”
Pie: “I kind of missed Ryan Seacrest. Is that wrong?”
Weetabix: “I don’t think that’s wrong. I think wanting Ryan Seacrest is wrong.”
Pie: “No worries there.”
Weetabix: “I miss the Dunkelman. Not the actual person. I miss the handkerchief.”
Pie: “Hee.”
Weetabix: “I miss the glass bridge. I think that’s the claw in the background.”
Pie: “The claw?
Weetabix: “Taylor!”
Pie: “During the audition rounds, Taylor’s picture is off to the side… Oh, we’re back in NY. Times Square was my first clue. Wow, that’s a lot of people.”
Weetabix: “It’s misleading, because 90% of those people don’t get in front of the judges.”
Pie: “Well, there’s no way they could see them all.”
Weetabix: “Carole Bayer Sager looks like fucking Joan Collins!”
Pie: “I don’t even know who she is. I heard she was useless and they cut her out of most of the episodes.”
Weetabix: “Look at the big hair in all of these pictures of the people from these highlights. That’s how long it’s been since she’s done anything.”
Pie: “Well, it’s been a long time since Dynasty.”
Weetabix: “I do enjoy ‘That’s What Friends Are For.’”
Pie: “Why do they have to separate Paula and Carol?”
Weetabix: “Esteban, you are sick! He just made the universal sign for oral sex. Between women, he wants to clarify.”
IAN BENARDO
Pie: “What is wrong with him?”
Weetabix: “He’s creepy. There’s something about his mouth. WHAT IS UP WITH HIS MOUTH?”
Pie: “This is such an act, I think. I believe they’re all acting.”
Weetabix: “Yeah, I do too.”
Pie: “Well, he’s about to get completely shut down. And look, Taylor is all off to the side. Carrie is in the middle of all of them.”
Weetabix: “Yeah, Carrie’s fellating that microphone right behind Simon’s head.”
Pie: “As you do. Maybe it’s in order of records sold?”
Weetabix: “Yeah, it seems like she’s in every shot.”
Pie: “They just want to forget about Taylor.”
Weetabix: “See now, how many minutes are we into this? Why did we have to waste our time with this?”
Pie: “Ratings.”
Weetabix: “Kelly is in the corner. Carrie and Kelly are flanking the words American Idol.”
Pie: “It’s sad that analyzing that backdrop is way more interesting than watching this guy get mocked.”
Weetabix: “I’m worried about the amount of metal Randy wears. It seems like the more as he gains weight, the more metal he puts on.”
“Gloria”
Pie: “They’re thinking he might be an act too. Either he’s putting on an act, or he’s mentally unwell.”
Weetabix: “He’s just stalling at this point, to be on the show longer.”
Pie: “That’s true. People know if they act up in front of the judges, they’ll get airtime.”
Weetabix: “I kind of like the security guy though. He’s wearing an interesting ensemble. When did those epaulet things come back for men’s shoulders? Ryan looks like he’s wearing a Members Only jacket.”
Pie: “Why do I suddenly have affection for Ryan Seacrest? Even with the epaulets?”
Weetabix: “Because he has to deal with this. He doesn’t have a table protecting himself from the crazy people.”
Pie: “Well there you go. Ian Benardo dot com is, I’m sure, on fire.”
SARAH BURGESS
Weetabix: “She looks like a young Mandy Moore.”
Pie: “She does. She has a little ski-jump nose.”
Weetabix: “She has adorable eyes though. Like you took Kattharine McPhevere and sort of scrunched her down.”
Pie: “Oh, she just wants her daddy to love her.”
Weetabix: “America loves you, ski-jump nose!”
Pie: “Wow, she REALLY has daddy issues. Because this doesn’t seem fake.”
Weetabix: “No, I think she’s probably a good singer.”
Pie: “Yeah, she’s got a pretty voice.”
“Call Me”
Weetabix: “The next time I sing this for Karaoke Revolution, I’m going to try and sing it like this. And then The game will downgrade me.”
[Simon likes her]
Weetabix: “I knew Simon would like her.”
Pie: “I think Carole Bayer Sager is just going to agree with what everyone else says.”
Ian: “AAAH, LOOK AT HER HAIR!”
Pie: “Is Ryan Seacrest text messaging someone as he’s talking to this girl?”
Weetabix: “No, she’s going to talk to her dad. And he has the same phone I do!”
Pie: “’Who is this??’ Wow, her dad IS an asshole. Oh, he’s happy for her, even though he’s not sure who she is.”
Weetabix: “‘I’m happy for you, miscellaneous person calling me!’”
Pie: “Hee!”
Weetabix: “ She just checked out Ryan’s package! I kid you not!”
COMMERCIALS
Pie: “There’s Constantine’s smug face. Why do they keep showing Constantine? Where are they now? Are they in somewhere else?”
Weetabix: “No, they’re in NY. They’re going to be in NY the whole time.”
GREEK GIRL WHOSE NAME I DID NOT CATCH, BUT IS POSSIBLY FANIA TASKALANOS
Weetabix: “Paula looks drugged. She looked like she was falling asleep for a second.”
Pie: “ She looks annoyed or something. “
“Africa”
Weetabix: “This is pretty terrible.”
Pie: “It is unreal.”
Weetabix: “She’s got a snaggle tooth.”
Pie: “That’s not her fault. Paula’s mad at Simon or something.”
Weetabix: “I don’t know what Paula’s doing. She’s dressed like a pilgrim, though. She kind of looks like a slutty pilgrim.”
ASHANTI JOHNSON
Pie: “She’s been on it twice. Good for her.”
Weetabix: “She’s got some booty.”
Pie: “‘I’ve eaten more than I’ve ever eaten.’ That was a random comment.”
“Loving You”
Pie: “This is the worst song in the entire world.”
Weetabix: “Maya Rudolph’s mother wrote it and sang it.”
Pie: “I had no idea. I still hate it. But this girl can sing it very well.”
Weetabix: “This is a horrible song to sing. I can’t believe she’s doing. it. This song is like a root canal for your brain.”
Pie: “That is exactly how I feel.”
Weetabix: “She hit that fuckin’ note though. That’s amazing.”
IAN: “She made a Mariah Carey squeak.”
Pie: “Oh, I wanted her to make it.’
IAN: “Why is Paula Abdul dressed like Dorothy?”
Weetabix: “She just picked the worng song. I think she was good.”
[Melodrama music]
Pie: “And now they’re making fun of her! And I like her!”
Weetabix: “I wonder if they called her fat before. She keeps bringing it up.”
Pie: “If she had been really fat, they’d show clips, I think.”
Weetabix: “Paula is trying to make an emotion show on her face, but she’s been Botoxed too much. This girl is so cute.”
Pie: “I think she’s good. I don’t even know why they’d say no. She’s better than ski-jump nose.”
Weetabix: “She is better than ski-jump nose. And every guy that Paula’s given a pass to.”
COMMERCIALS
TWINS
Pie: “Oh god, twins. Oh wait, they’re best friends. What are their names? Amanda and…”
Weetabix: “Amanda and Amanda.”
Pie: “They are annoying.”
Weetabix: “They are just New Jersey princesses. Every girl in New Jersey is just like that.”
SOME DUET
Pie: “They’ve got pretty good voices. “
Weetabix: “I don’t think so. I think they sing along with the radio a lot, you know what I mean?”
[Amanda sings “Crazy”]
Weetabix: “See, she’s really good there. I like her there. Although I don’t like the Cristina Aguilar-ation of Patsy. Also, her eye makeup is a mess.”
Pie: “Randy is, like, not feelin’ it, dawg. The judges all seem underwhelmed and tired.”
Weetabix: “Someone needs to get some Starbucks in there, stat.”
Pie: “And yet Ashanti, who was awesome… “
Weetabix: “ Joan Collins is like “whatever, I’m going to get edited out anyway.”
Pie: “They don’t care at all.”
Weetabix: “’But you’re hot, so whatever.’”
Pie: “This other girl is not as pretty, so she’s not going to make it. Antonella. I like her kind of smoky voice.”
Weetabix: “I think she could be good, as long as she doesn’t do a duet with Amanda. I think her hair is the wrong color,. Her hair should match her eyes, she’s got great eyes.”
Pie: “They seem way more into her. And they said she’s better than her friend!”
Weetabix: “Aw, that is such nice!”
Pie: “‘That is such nice’? I won’t type that.”
Weetabix: “Go ahead. I’m almost done with my bottle of wine, and all I’ve had today is a bowl of special K. You know who Amanda and Amanda remind me of? Rachel Greene’s friends, before she moved to New York.”
CLIFTON BITTLE
Weetabix: “He’s got a crazy grille.”
Pie: “What’s a grille?”
Weetabix: “Like your teeth? Urban slang 101?”
Pie: “Oh.”
Weetabix: “How do I, in the Midwest, know these things? Must be all the hardcore rap I listen to.”
“Touch”
Weetabix: “Oh my god, not ‘Touch.’ I kind of like him, Clifton Bittle. I kind of like him! He needs some veneers.”
Pie: “I don’t know how I feel about him.”
Weetabix: “I think he could do other songs better. And doesn’t The Claw do a harmonica thing?”
Pie: “I’d like to pretend The Claw never happened, and just focus on DAUGHTRY!”
Weetabix: “Daughtry! Poor Clifton.”
Pie: “I think if you like him, you’re drunk.”
Weetabix: “I am a little drunk. He’s got like 42 teeth in his smile! Crazy.”
MONTAGE OF BAD
[We laugh at astronaut suit. It feels like a cheap laugh.]
WILLIAM VAN STONE
Pie: “Aw, you can tell this guy think he’s good.”
Weetabix: “Yeah. See, they shouldn’t laugh at him. They should be more professional than that.”
KIA THORNTON
Weetabix: “I would like to say that I object to the belt over the long shirt trend.”
Pie: “I am in favor of it.”
Weetabix: “Really? We will have to agree to disagree.”
IAN: “She’s in.”
Weetabix: “She’s in.”
Pie: “You both said the same thing. And yeah, she’s good. She’s got a Jennifer Hudson quality.”
Weetabix: “And I was thinking LaToya London. Look at how much extra watch Simon has on his watch. It’s like a giant wrist penis.”
Pie: “I’m not really seeing it, but I like the phrase ‘giant wrist penis.’”
Weetabix: “Wait until he moves his hand.”
DAY TWO NEW YORK
JENRY BEJARANO
Pie: “He does not look 16! He is hot!”
Weetabix: “Oh my god he is HOT. Fuck me, he is hot. I think he’s lying and he’s 26.”
Pie: “I hope he’s lying.”
Weetabix: “He is very edible.”
Pie: “Look at those arms. And he loves his mom.”
Weetabix: “His adopted mom!”
Pie: “So here’s why I‘m a pedophile.”
Weetabix: “I’m a pedophile also. Oh my god, they have Ruben on the backdrop! And he’s with Taylor, in the quadrant of shame.”
Pie: “You’re right!”
Weetabix: “This guy’s gonna be top 10. This is my prediction. Becauyse he is very yummy.”
Pie: “Yeah, he’s a good singer. But he could really be a little older, so I could feel less dirty.”
Weetabix: “He’s 26. He’s lying so he can date older women.”
Pie: “Paula’s into him too.”
Weetabix: “Paula’s suddenly woken up.”
Pie: “What is wrong with this crazy Botox woman?”
Weetabix: “She is dressed like a dominatrix. I kind of want to do my hair like Carole Bayer Sager. You know what her hair is like?”
Pie: “What?”
Weetabix: “Don Music from Sesame Street. The muppet who would bang his head on the piano when he was wrong?”
Pie: “I don’t know that muppet.”
Weetabix: “Oh, you and your Dutch childhood.”
NAKIA CLAIBORNE
Weetabix: “This is going to be a fat, unfortunate girl, you can tell. She’s only got four teeth in her smile. Yet I kind of like her.”
Pie: “I do too.”
Weetabix: “I like Shirley, or whatever her name is.”
Pie: “Nakia.”
Weetabix: “I like Nokia. She’s wearing... slippers.”
Pie: “Those shoes are unfortunate.”
Weetabix: “I actually have a pair very similar. And they are unfortunate. And I’m sure she can’t sing, but I like her. Simon’s gone!”
Pie: “Maybe we missed an explanation of Simon’s absence.”
“Dancing in the Streets”
Weetabix: “She’s good! I like her.”
Pie: “She’s fun! They’re all rockin’ out.”
Weetabix: “If you close your eyes and don’t look at her, she sounds way better than Ashley and Amanda.”
Pie: “I don’t think their names were Ashley and Amanda, but okay.”
Weetabix: “Antonia or something.”
“Dreamin’”
Weetabix: “This is less good.”
Pie: “I like her though! I really like her.”
Weetabix: “Paula is not… into it.”
Pie: “If she was hot, they’d let her go through anyway. And they’re letting Carole Bayer Sager talk!”
Weetabix: “They had to justify why they don’t want the crazy fat girl to go through.”
Pie: “Aw, it’s sad.”
Weetabix: “Aww.”
IAN: “Aww.”
SARAH GOLDBERG
Pie: “Oh god. This is not gonna end well.”
Weetabix: “I like her big thick braid.”
Pie: “What is wrong with her?”
Weetabix: “Where is Simon?”
Pie: “Oh god.”
Weetabix: “She’s got no talent. That’s what’s wrong.”
Pie: “Okay, I vote for her being completely deluded.”
Weetabix: “I think she knows very well she’s not good, and is doing for exposure. That’s my vote.”
[Carole Bayer Sager speaks]
IAN: “Baby, is that a creepy mask, or what?”
[Sarah: “I’m not a singer.”]
Pie: “I’m just flabbergasted by this entire scene.”
Weetabix: “She’s got a point. Paris Hilton can’t sing.”
Pie: “Randy has a point, because Paris Hilton never won American Idol.”
Weetabix: “That’s true ‘I could be the American Idol. that sucks!’”
Pie: “I think that spot’s taken by Taylor. And this is like performance art.”
Weetabix: “This is really strange.”
Pie: “She planned her exit line.”
IAN: “And she couldn’t get out the door!”
Weetabix: “That door is always locked. And now I wondered.”
IAN: “She held up two fingers for 3:00.”
Weetabix: “Ooh, Simon was late.”
COMMERCIAL
GUY WITH HAT
Weetabix: “He looks like Frank Sinatra.”
Pie: “Only dead.”
Weetabix: “He’s 47! He’s like a Frank Sinatra impersonator. And he’s 47! does that mean we can try out for American Idol?”
Pie: “And why is he singing ‘New Yor’?”
JORY STEINBERG
Weetabix: “Her eyebrows are extended way past her eyes.”
Pie: “I somehow hate her. I hate that disc on her shirt.”
Weetabix: “That doesn’t bug me as much as the eyebrows.”
Pie: “Her voice is okay. But there’s something I don’t like about her.”
Weetabix: “I agree. She’s got a horsey Jessica Biel face.”
Pie: “Jessica Biel has a hot body, though.”
Weetabix: “She does. But she has a very horsey face. Yet she doesn’t draw eyebrows 3-inches wide.”
Pie: “This chick really seems to think a lot of herself.”
Weetabix: “She’s got crispy hair. Like if you touched it, it would be crispy.”
Pie: “I really hope this chick does not make it to the top 12.”
Weetabix: “I hope so too. I really don’t want another Ryan Starr.”
PORCELANA PATINO
Pie: “See? For her they showed fat pictures. That is commitment, man.”
Weetabix: “She is smart. She knows that the fat girls don’t get in, unless they’re fantastic, like J. Hudson.”
Pie: “Why is she dressed all trashy, though? It’s good that she explained that, thouh, because now they’re impressed.”
Weetabix: “I can see her coin slot.”
Pie: “I don’t think she’s that good.”
IAN: “Is she a stripper?”
Weetabix: “I think she’s mesmerizing them with her belly button.”
Pie: “I think she’s not going to make it to the top 12, by any stretch.”
Weetabix: “No way. She’s not good enough,. They let her in because she’s got a coin slot.”
Pie: “Is that up above or down below?”
Weetabix: “It’s her ass.”
Pie: “Oh, I thought it was her ‘vagine.’”
MONTAGE OF WEIRD NAMES
Pie: “Who really cares about making fun of people’s names??”
Weetabix: “Dear fat girls: Don’t wear satin.”
Pie: “So it’s like the ‘black people with weird names’ montage.”
Weetabix: “Yeah.”
Pie: “Nice. Is that Olivia Newton John?”
Weetabix: “This is from last night, or Tuesday, or some show that is in the future.”
CHRISTIOPHER HENRY
Pie: “This guy does not look like Simon.”
Weetabix: “He looks more like a very handsome Ricky Gervais.”
Pie: “He’s got a square head like Simon.”
Weetabix: “He’d have to have a lot more bronzer and be older.”
Pie: “And have a buzz cut.”
“Before Your Love.”
Weetabix: “No.”
Pie: “No.”
Weetabix: “He’s got a very nice soprano, though. For a boy. He’s higher than me.”
Pie: “He’s got a lot of control over his voice.”
It’s just not good.”
Pie: “Yeaaah.”
Weetabix: “Seriously, what the judges are saying, that’s what I was thinking. He’s like a female impersonator.”
Pie: “Oh, here’s the Simon/Paula fight.”
Weetabix: “Dude, I think Paula is drunk.”
Paula is always drunk.”
RACHEL ZEVITA
Pie: “Okay, I hate this girl immediately.”
Weetabix: “It’s the glasses. Also, nobody would wear white pants. It’s the new millennium. And she’s got some incredible eyebrows happening.”
“Eternal Life”
Pie: “This is an interesting song choice.”
Weetabix: “I don’t think she should wear a dream catcher as a hair accessory.”
“Get Here If You Can”
Weetabix: “That was kind of interesting.”
Pie: “Again, I hate her.”
Weetabix: “She’s got a dream catcher IN HER HAIR.”
IAN (to Mo Pie, sympathetically): “She’s going to be the next American Idol. She’s going to Hollywood.”
Weetabix: “I kind of want to wax her eyebrows.”
IAN: “How old is she, 12?”
COMMERCIALS
Weetabix: “I am Ryan Seacrest. I will pretend I have rhythm.”
Pie: “I wanna dance with Ryan Seacrest! Maybe I’m just drunk.”
“All Night Long” MONTAGE.
Pie: “This is so pointless.”
Weetabix: “There’s William Hung version 2.0.”
Pie: “There will never be another William Hung.”
Weetabix: “I loved William Hung. I loved how earnest he was.”
CHRIS RICHARDSON
Pie: “‘Interpretated.’ Nice.”
Weetabix: “Oh, he’s going through. He’s not that good, but he’ll go through. They don’t have enough guys. They can’t all be 16, from Brazil, and make us feel dirty. He will not make final 12 though, that is my prediction.”
Pie: “Randy’s like “Timberlake, not Guaraini. There is no Justin Guarini.” And this is the last we’ll se of this guy.”
Weetabix: “He’ll fall apart when he has to do the group thing.”
COMMERICALS
NICHOLAS PEDRO
Weetabix: “We’ve got a flashback.”
Pie: “How hard is it to learn these fucking words?”
Weetabix: “I can sing this drunk.I DO sing this drunk. I bet you and I could sing this drunk right now.”
Pie: “I bet we could.”
Weetabix: “He’s a pansy. Even though he looks nice.”
Pie: “He blew his opportunity and should not get another one.”
Weetabix: “I agree. I do not think he should get a second chance. And I would make him sing ‘Build Me Up Buttercup’ right now.”
Pie: “Oh, Paula likes him.”
Weetabix: “She’s getting itchy.”
COMMERCIALS
Pie: “They went back and shot this, because people are cold and I see Stanta Clause 3 advertisements in the background. Before it was warm and there were autumn loeaves. I call hijinks here.”
ISADORA
Weetabix: “And she’s got really unfortunate skin.”
[“It starts with a J. and I’m not telling.”]
Weetabix: “It’s Jennifer. ‘I wear a foundation that’s four shades darker than my regular skin.’”
Pie: “Oh, this poor girl. I feel bad for her already.”
Weetabix: “And her weepy eye makeup.”
Pie: “I applaud the fact that she’s wearing tight pants, yet I can’t see her panty line.
I am trying to constructively critical.”
IAN: “Sing ‘Lonely goatherd’!”
“Lady Marmalade”
Weetabix: “Is this a song?”
Pie: “I don’t know what this is.”
Weetabix: “It’s French!”
Pie: “Oh, this is just… no. Paula looks like she’s been injected with muscle relaxants.”
Weetabix: “Would you wear socks with those shoes?”
Pie: “No, I would not.”
Weetabix: “I would not either.”
Pie: “The judges have looked tired this entire episode.”
Weetabix: “Because in theory they’ve seen 30,000 people.”
35 PEOPLE MADE IT THROGUH
Weetabix: “They didn’t show half those girls. The fat girl, the orange girl, the girls with pigtails, the girl with the net shirt.”
Pie: “Maybe that means we’ll see more of them later.”
Weetabix: “Oh my god! Fucking fat joke in the fucking preview!”
Pie: “This show has.. some fat jokes.”
Weetabix: “I hate this show.”
Pie: “Seacrest out.”
posted by mo pie at 4:36 PM
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