Death to the Succubus (P.S. Choose Life)

We’re here again this week, with a mostly different group: Shannon, wearing a tiara; her friend Matt, wearing a metaphorical tiara; Ian, wearing no tiara but we love him anyway; and me, Pie, wearing an imaginary tiara.

[Credits]
Pie: I’m not typing what anyone is saying.
Ian: Well you’d better catch up, because they’re already talking about pancake boobs.
Matt: Oh, that guy!
Ian: Mulan!
Matt: Remember when he told the story about his mom?
Shannon: Yeah, who was his mother? Cruella de Ville? Malan’s mom was probably always sitting around much like I am right now, on a chaise, wearing a tiara.
Pie: Angela! Angela’s evil!
Shannon: She’s not evil, just annoying.
Pie: Yes, annoying AND EVIL.
Matt: Like Jeffrey’s a real prince. With that Detroit tattoo.
Shannon: Well his son is named Detroit.
Matt: His son is named Detroit? Let me tell you. I’m from Michigan, people. I wouldn’t name ANYTHING Detroit. I wouldn’t name a goldfish I was planning on keeping for a week Detroit.
Shannon: Having a goldfish named Detroit would be kind of awesome.
Matt: Well, it would be a good analogy for Detroit, when it went belly up.
[Laughter]

Matt: This reminds me of the drinking game I wanted to start about this… Run… thing… wait, I can’t remember the name of the show we’re watching.
S. You’ve only had a root beer!
M. Well it might have been that eight-ball I did before I get here. Anyway, every time Tim Gunn says “Make it work,” take a shot. Whenever anyone picks a bad fabric, take a shot. Whenever anyone gets bitchy to the other designers, take a shot. And if you have any drink left by the end of the show—
Ian: —by the end of the first commercial—
Matt: You have to chug it when Heidi says “Auf Weidersein.”
[Jeffrey appears]
Shannon: I hate Jeffrey. If I saw him in the street I would kick him in the shins.
Matt: He is sooo self-important.
Shannon: And those pants he made last week! “I have embellishment on my private parts! I have skinny pants. I am a jet setter!”
Ian: Oh, the outfit he won with?
Matt: Wait, he WON for that? He won for creating a CODPIECE on PANTS?
Shannon: Yes. Why didn’t Michael win?

[Shannon asks me to explain to you, our readers. that Matt has missed episodes due to driving across the country. I do so As I type, Matt takes the tiara from Shannon. Then I lose track of the conversation and make everyone recreate it.]

Shannon: And Michael created a delightful seersucker outfit. Except for the strappy things. But I didn’t like the fact that Michael said he would party with P. Diddy. That was the concept for his outfit. That he would party with P. Diddy in the Hamptons.
Matt: But why would you want to party with someone on their way down?
Shannon: Those people don’t even have good drugs.
Matt: No, that’s the point when they WOULD have the good drugs.
Shannon: No, that’s true.
Matt: Just ask Whitney!
Shannon: Which leads me to say that I think P. Diddy and Whitney should be liveblogging with us next week.
Matt: Crack is wack, but coke ain’t no joke.

[Still paused]
Pie: Okay, un-pause the television, I’m caught up. I can’t believe we’re still on the credits.
Shannon: I never watch this opening part.
Ian: We’re never gonna get THROUGH this opening part.

[Un-pause]
Shannon: Heidi’s so scary and German. I am so happy that Vincent is gone.
Pie: I’m more happy that Angela is gone.
Shannon: Oh, Kayne!
Matt: Oh god! “I’m Kayne! Am I self-important?”
Pie: I love Laura. And her tiny little pregnant belly.
Shannon: If I ever accidentally had six kids, that would totally be my attitude towards them.
Matt: Why is she wearing a tube dress?
Shannon: Because if you’re skinny and pregnant, that’s what you do.
Matt: Like Heidi last season. And Heidi still looks like she’s pregnant.
ALL: She is pregnant!

[Pause while we accept pizza delivery.]
[Jeffrey “It’s never a fuckin’ party.”]
Matt: Thank you, Captain Obvious.
Shannon: If you’re a recovering alcoholic, that’s always the case.
Pie: See, look, Laura and Michael are always together.
Shannon: I love the Laura and Michael friendship.
Matt: It’s gonna be Laura, Michael, and Jeffrey in the final three.
Shannon: What’s with the dramatic gong sound?
[Vincent emerges]
All: NOOOOOOO.
Matt (to Pie): Guess who number two is?
Pie: NOAAAAAWWWAAAOOOOO!!!
Matt: That’s right! It’s your favorite!
[Angela emerges]
Matt: Oh my god, this is Jeffrey’s nightmare.
Pie: BUBBLIOOSKEIRTAHHHHHH! It’s a fucking bubble skirt! I hate her! I hate her!
[Vincent and Angela get a second chance.]
Matt: NO. NO.
[Kayne downs his drink. We all laugh.]
Pie: Amen, Kayne.
Shannon: I always want to call him Kanye.
Matt: I always want to call him Cayanne. I’m confused about which Bravo show he’s on.
Shannon: I wish someone would break their champagne glass and slit Vincent’s throat right now.
Matt: Laura’s the only one with the balls to do it.
Shannon: That’s true.
Matt: Vincent and Angela have to win it to stay?
Shannon: Yeah.
Matt: Okay, Vincent’s just here for the day then.
Shannon: He’ll put a basket on someone’s head and it’s all over.
Matt: He’s 50 going on nuts. Okay, 49 going on nuts. And probably Laura has killed him by now anyway.
Ian: He was alive last month to take down the video of him walking around naked in a Laundromat that was on YouTube.
[Long pause.]
Matt: Ew.

[Pause]
Pie: I need to take a break to drink some wine. I’m like Kayne. I need to drink in order to deal with Angela.
Shannon: Kayne chugging the champagne might be my favorite Project Runway moment this year.
Matt: He shouldn’t be drinking champagne like that anyway! He should drink vodka. Like any self-respecting… designer… person.
Shannon: You’ve only had root beer! I think you might be the drunkest one here.
[Un-pause]

[Vincent “I hope I don’t get thrown off the runway twice”]
Matt: I hope he gets thrown off a building twice.
Shannon: Do you sometimes get the idea that Heidi is pronouncing everything phoenetically?
Matt: Like ABBA?

Shannon: Jeffrey’s so pissed off.
Pie: I’M pissed off!
Shannon: Jeffrey’s wearing sunglasses inside. He should go fuck himself.
Matt: To hear him tell it, he probably could.
Pie: He just ragged on Angela. I think I love him a little bit.
Shannon: Traitor!
Pie: I know he’s an asshole, but I just hate Angela.
Matt: Vincent is so out.
[Laura tells Angela it’s unfair she’s there.]
[Flashback to Laura and Michael doing Angela’s design.]
Pie: I love Laura. Laura’s totally right.
Shannon: She is. I love how Laura and Michael talked shit about Angela.
[Tim: “I want to welcome back Angela and Vincent.”]
Pie: Tim does NOT want to welcome back Angela and Vincent.
Shannon: He means “this is ripping my soul apart.”
Matt: He probably had to say that five times before going on camera. Because his tongue was trying to escape his mouth.

Matt: I love that Laura just tells it like it is.
Shannon: Why couldn’t they bring Alison back?
Matt: That’s the thing. She didn’t win anything, but her designs were always good.
Pie: Unlike FUCKING Angela’s.
Matt: Don’t hold it in, honey. You might bust a kidney.
[They have 15 minutes to sketch.]
Shannon: “I don’t sketch,” Angela says, like some people say “I don’t do anal.”
[Pause]
Matt: “Or windows,” you could have said. “I don’t do windows.”
Shannon: I will ALWAYS go for anal over windows.
Matt (to Pie): Get that down!
Shannon: I would like to point out that a liveblog is not legally binding.

[Tim explains fabric rule.]
Shannon: Tim Gunn used criterion correctly. God, I love him.
Matt: You know what? Make some fucking underwear for your model. Problem solved.
Shannon: But Tim Gunn used criterion correctly!
Matt: I kiss a picture of Tim Gunn every night before I go to bed.
Shannon: Really?
Matt: No.
Pie: I like your underwear idea. It’s a good idea.
Shannon: Headband? Scarf? Wrap?
Matt: All you need to do is be creative with your scraps. I’d rather have scraps to deal with than too much fabric.
Shannon: Angela can just make flowers. Uli can just make braidy things…
Matt: They all have their schtick.
Shannon: Vincent can weave his into a basket…
[We talk over the show. Ian rewinds]
Ian: I want to hear Angela explain her dress of hideousness.
Shannon: So people walk through Ohio, like, milking their cows in fucking bubble skirts?
Matt: Okay. Angela.
Ian: I want to hear her babble.
Pie: I love Michael. As much as I hate Angela, I love Michael.
Shannon: Maybe Vincent can shove his extra fabric up his ass.
Ian: Make a hat out of it.
Matt: He’s gonna make a hat. Out of some fabric. You laugh now, but he’s gonna start some shit up, and it’s gonna be a hat.
Pie: BUBBLE SKIRT AND GALOSHES.
Shannon: She has nice legs.
Pie: Don’t say anything nice about her!
Shannon: I’m saying. If I had nice legs like hers, I might wear.. pantaloons.
Matt: I might be going out on a limb, but she’s unique in her own style of dress. Maybe if she pushed a little more for that, she’d be decent.
Shannon: I hear you, buddy.
Pie: I can’t even talk to you anymore.
Matt: Laura brings the classic… Vincent brings the crazy…
Shannon: Jeffrey brings the dick. [Pause] And I don’t mean that in a good way.
Matt: No… no. But he does bring the dick.
[Pause on Angela leaning over in her bubble skirt and galoshes.]
Matt: That’s amazing in the composition of the shot.
P: It’s horrifying!
Matt: It’s like the last dodo. It’s some sort of Muppet creation.
Shannon: Those ARE galoshes.
Matt: She’s my hero. And at the same time, she’s also my zero.

Pie: I like how Michael’s so generous and trying to help Kayne. Too bad the judges hate Kayne.
Matt: Kayne is way over the top, you know what I’m saying?
Shannon: Perfect for pageants.
Pie: Laura’s model is trying to help her.
Shannon: She’s trying, but… she’s a model.
Pie: I think Laura’s is pretty.
Matt: Yeah, it’s nice! Black lace over light colors.

[We have strawberry shortcake.]
[We plug in the luminous goose (a lamp shaped like a goose).]
[We finish dessert.]
Pie: Okay, make it go! Make it work! Luminous goose!
Matt: That’s like ten catch phrases at once.
Shannon: Wouldn’t it be great if Tim Gunn started saying “luminous goose”?
Pie: Oh Vincent, you’re so crazy. And I refuse to entertain the notion that Angela has any chance of winning.
[Tim advises Vincent to use his fabric for a shawl.]
Matt: Tim’s like “Vincent. I hate you." Why not just say it?
Pie: Uh oh. Kayne is in trouble.
Matt: “I’m bankin’ on Jesus”!
[Tim says “luminous” and “translucent.”]
Pie: He gets ever closer to saying luminous goose.
Shannon: I know. It’s just a matter of time.

[Laura cries]
All: OOOOH! Laura!
Shannon: But why is she blaming the Olsen twins? They’re horrible, sure…
Matt: Well, yes…
Shannon: It’s the baby succubus, taking all her energy. She should just abort that baby right now.
Matt: Oh my god. You are heartless! [to Pie] Put that in the blog! That Shannon is heartless!
Shannon: I just don’t want to see Laura weepy!
Matt: No, you’re right. I want to see her take her shears, stab Vincent in the eyes, slit Jeffrey in the throat, and then be done with it.
Shannon: And then abort the baby.
Pie: With the shears?
Shannon: No, I’m sure there’s a hanger around somewhere.
[Horrified laughter from all.]
Matt: You are horrible! Satan is warming a coal for you. Are you bankin’ on Jesus right now?

Shannon: What if Kayne started dating Kanye West?
Matt: What if Kayne started dating the guy from the Fab Five? Kyan?
Shannon: How does one make a matronly halter top? Let’s ask Uli!
Matt: Kayne really had a lot of balls going with the whole one strip of white. I mean… really. That’s just like laying it on the line.
[Laura gets a video from her kids.]
Shannon: Oh, Laura. I love you.
Pie: Did we just see Kayne’s butt crack?
Matt: Can we say “man boobs”? I mean maybe I’m too judgmental. I’m just saying.

Shannon: I just burped. [to Pie] Don’t write that down.
Pie: Of course not. Our readers can know you’re advocating an abortion with a hanger, but if they find out you BURPED…
Shannon: Well, if she wasn’t in the middle of a one-day challenge, I’d say go to a clinic! I’m not a monster! And I think Laura would agree. She’s very efficient.
[More horrified laughter. Matt leaves the room in hysterics.]
Pie: You just killed Matt.
Shannon: Well, he was a new friend.

Shannon: The next apartment I move into is going to have a Macy’s accessory wall.
Pie: That would be awesome.
[Tim Gunn announces that Vincent’s model has had an accident.]
Shannon: Do you think Tim Gunn pushed her in front of a bus?
Matt: Are you kidding me? Who do you think threw the wrench at her?
Shannon: It was Tim Gunn, in the conservatory, with the lead pipe.

[Runway show]
Pie: I think this is a good challenge. Not too constraining.
Matt (sees Zac Posen): Who the hell is he?
Pie and Shannon: Some designer guy.

[Angela]
Pie: what threw up on her shoulders?
Shannon: Look at the look in Zac Posen’s eyes. A look of hate.
Ian: It's a toddler’s vest.
Shannon: A Flemish toddler. Ugh, it’s awful in every way.
Pie: So is Angela.

[Kayne]
Shannon: Oh, the back is kind of cute.
Pie: Ugh!
Shannon: Well it’s not horrible. It’s not Angela horrible.
Matt: I would have put trim on the end of the skirt, and maybe on the neckline. But not only on the back. That’s gonna kill him.
Shannon: Is he going home with Crazy and Crazy?
Ian: But is it worse than the Flemish toddler vest?
Shannon: That’s a great name for a band. Flemish Toddler Vest. I suggest we start that band right here, tonight.
Ian: I have my accordion!

[Laura]
Pie: Oh, it’s pretty!
Shannon: It’s sexy!
Matt: The fringe on the bottom! It’s very cute.
[Ian claps]
Matt: I think she’s done a good job.
Pie: why would one thing shatter Laura’s confidence?
Shannon: She’s so fierce, usually. And I never use that word.
Matt: First of all, with these things it runs one thing into the next. You’re only as good as the last thing you put out there. And secondly, I’m blaming the baby.
Shannon: Yes! It’s the devil fetus.
Matt: It’s not a devil fetus! But her hormones are all over the place and to add all the stress of competition, of course it’s gonna put her over the edge.

[Michael]
Shannon: Nazri’s got some nice boobies.
Pie: It’s kind of simple, but I like it.
Shannon: I like that he made white the primary color. Nobody ever does that, because what if you spill?

[Jeffrey]
Pie: Its ugly!
Matt: Oh my god HE MADE LEATHER LEGGINGS! (to Pie) NOTE THAT!
Shannon: Nina Garcia just threw up in her mouth. You have to look at Heidi’s Teutonic glare.
Pie: UGH.
Shannon: How awesome would it be if Jeffrey went home with Vincent and Angela?
Matt: Oh my god, yes.
Shannon: I might come right here.
Matt (to Pie): Did you Scotch-Gard your furniture? This might be a YouTube moment. You might need to video this shit.
Shannon: Well I’m not gonna be messy about it.
Pie: that is a total look of hate from Heidi.
Shannon: Heidi’s gonna choke a bitch.
Matt: She HATES some shit right now.

[Uli]
Pie: That’s kinda cool.
Shannon: It’s her same dress, but shorter.
Matt: The front is cute, but the back sucks.

[Vincent]
Shannon: That’s actually not horrible.
Matt: Oh shit.
Shannon: If I had the body for that, I would wear it.
Ian: It’s like a swimsuit.
Matt: If they put Vincent back on the show…

[Asking questions]
Shannon: Zac Posen totally wants Michael. “I like your dress and also, I’d like to blow you.”
Pie: I’d kind of like to blow Michael. He’s awesome.
[Nina doesn’t like Vincent’s.]
Ian: YES!
Pie: I like the dots on the skirt, though.
Ian: Shhhh. All he has to do is not win.
Pie: Oh, Uli went for a print! Big shocker!
Matt: Yeah, Uli never works with prints.
[Ian laughs so hard at Michael Kors’ “pool floats” comment he has to pause the TV.]
Matt: You can’t be a bitch when you force them to use every bit of fabric and they use every bit of fabric! You bitch, Michael Kors. Pool floats? Lick me!
Pie: Angela will not win. Thank fucking god. I hate her. GO AWAY!! GO AWAY!!
[Jeffrey: “When I heard cocktail party, the first thing I thought of was...]
Shannon: Whores?
Matt: You know what it looks like? Madonna’s first music video.
Shannon: It looks like a Hot Topic threw up on her. Same difference.
Matt: She’s gonna dress you up in her love.
Shannon: Whether you want to or not. You’re like, "bad touch! Bad touch!" And she’s coming for you in her polka dots and leggings.
Matt: It honestly looks like she’s wearing a canopy.
Ian: It’s like one of those books with three parts, where you can make different outfits by flipping panels.
Shannon: At least Jeffrey doesn’t have a codpiece
Matt: And now in order to accentuate my model’s genitals, I will give her a four-inch skirt.
Pie: It’s like Patsy Stone. The whole world’s her gynecologist.
Shannon: I don’t like her leggings, but I do like her cervix!
Matt: Did you accessorize that outfit with a speculum?
Shannon: That’s what he did with the extra fabric. Maybe we’ll see some stirrups.

[Judges’ comments]
Pie: They don’t hate Jeffrey’s as much as we do. And Laura is so broken.
[All clap at the judges’ praise for Laura.]
Shannon: She needs to win.
Matt: She’s gonna win! Yay!
Shannon: And I’m gonna cry!
Matt: Kayne is the one that’s gonna go. he’s out the door.
Pie: It is hideous, I think. The back is hideous.
Matt: He should have used that white in another way.
Pie: The judges hate Angela and so do I!
Matt: Michael is so in the final three.
Pie: He’s so winning.
Matt: He probably is.

[Results]
Pie: “Angela, YOU AUT!”
Matt: Angela and Vincent are completely out. Kayne… I think it’s between Kayne and maybe Uli.
Shannon: Jeffrey’s sucked so much though.
Pie: The judges seemed to be on board with Jeffrey to some extent. ANGELA WITH YOUR HORRIBLE FRIZZY HAIR AND PERIOD PANTS GO AWAY.
[Laura wins. Everyone claps. Michael says congratulations.]
Pie: Oh, Michael loves her!
Matt: They are BFF.
Shannon: I want Michael to have a sitcom.
Pie: Bye Angela with your ANNOYING HAIR AND YOUR STUPID TONGUE. (to Matt) I don’t like Angela.
Matt: I noticed. Bye, Captain Crazypants! I hope Tim Gunn shoots him.
Shannon: Bye Michael, I’ll make out with you later!
Matt: If Jeff gets kicked off, you’re gonna need extra Scotch-Garding. I’m just saying. I’m gonna be so happy.
[Kayne is out. We are sad.]
Matt: Jeff is like Santino, but without the crazy.
Pie: We love you Kayne! You’ll be successful! Don’t you worry!
Shannon: Aw, Nina’s almost crying.
Matt: Nina Garcia has emotions! Who knew?
Shannon: Well emotions don’t have calories. It’s okay.
[Tim will miss Kayne.]
Ian: Tim didn’t say that to Vincent.

[Our DVR cuts off the end of the recording.]
Shannon: Kayne is gearing his career up for.. something.
Ian: We’ll never know.
Matt: Leggings?
Shannon: I wish Jeffrey would die. I wish Laura would abort him.
Matt: I have to say, once you get to this point in the competition, there’s no loser. Kayne got in the top five, so fuck it.

Thank you all! We’re AUT.

For One Night Only...

We're back, kind of! In honor of Weetabix's visit to the Bay Area, we decided to get together and liveblog the other reality show we love: Project Runway. This time we're at my place, the Haunted Mansion, and we have with us tonight: Weetabix and Mo Pie, Jen Fu (everyone's favorite from the Idol finale), Jen Wade (who we will refer to as Wade), Ian, and the Armless Monkey. We're watching it a day late, so when we say liveblog, we mean ----blog. And away we go.

[We discuss how we feel about the season thus far.]
Fu: Vincent should have been out the minute he put a basket on a fucking model's head. And Uli bores me.
Weet: I like Uli. She's a little one-note, but she's German, and she means well.
Fu: I miss Alison.
Weet: Yeah, Alison was good. Oh! And Michael... Jake and I call him the Urban Gentleman.
Monkey: Why isn't this being captured on the Internet? This is gold material.
[Pie points out that she has in fact started typing.]

Weet (to Wade): There's my boyfriend Tim Gunn. That impeccable gentleman right there.
Monkey: I think he might be gay.
Weet: I think everyone might be gay.
Fu: It's kind of a shit prize. With INC? What is INC gonna teach you?
Weet: My understanding is that if you have questions starting your line, they'll help you. It's not like an internship.
Fu: I miss Malan.
Weet: French music!
Ian: They're in Paris.
Fu: Scoot-URS! Motor-SCOOT-URS!
[pause]
Fu: That was my French accent.

[Tim announces challenge.]
Pie: That's cool. Actually, I don't really understand what couture is. Even though he just explained it.
Weet: In TWO DAYS? There's no way. Oh, Kayne-Bo!
Pie: Laura is fabulous.
Weet: She's absolutely fabulous. That's the Urban Gentleman by the way. Oh, Kayne, don't have the opening interview!
Fu: Is that a bad thing?
Weet: Usually.
Monkey [weird accent]: I LIKE KIWI!
Weet: Jeffrey's a monkey.
Monkey: He's not like us! He's in the ape family.
[Laura: We went to this great French restaurant..]
All: IN FRANCE?!?
Fu: When I was in Paris, all I ate was Burger King.
Monkey: When I was in Vienna, all I ate was dirt. And sausages.
Weet: That's all I ate in college.
Fu: That's how you got A's.

[Back to the show.]
Fu: The problem with France is that they're going crazy with accordians. I hate accordians. Oh, sorry, Ian.
Pie: Why does Vincent keep saying he gets turned on by stuff?
Weet: EW! I Don't want to think about his crotch.
Fu: Shut up, Vincent. You don't know what coutoure is. I crap better couture than you.
Pie: I don't think I've spelled coutour right once.
Weet: C-O-U-T-U-R-E.
Pie: Aah.

[Jeffrey chooses material.]
Wade: That guy's ripping off Alexandra McQueen.
Weet: Oh yes, he totally is!
Pie: What if Uli gets laminated? She's talking a lot.
Weet: I'm worried. They're going to accuse her of going away from herself. And Laura really looks pregnant now. It's only been two days.
Monkey: Yes, "TWO DAYS." In "TEE VEE LAND."
Weet: No, the last episode was when they got to Paris! It's only been like a day!
Monkey: Maybe she got pregnant again. She's stacking up fetuses.
Weet: Your mind is a dangerous place.
Monkey: I may not have paid attention in health class, but I know one thing....
Pie What's the one thing?
Monkey: That you can... stack fetuses. Like flapjacks.

[Making garments.]
Weet: That's tailor's ham. It's like a ham, except for tailors. [pause] When's the pizza getting here?
Fu: I enjoy the crazy music that comes on every time Vincent starts talking.
Wade: Oh, he should not wear a wife beater.
Weet: It was like 110 degrees in that room while they were filming.
Wade: I don't care. He should be wearing a thick wool sweater.

[Tim critiques the designs]
[Kayne: "How is this working for you?"]
Weet: Kayne is like, "throw me a bone."
[Tim: This bony stuff worries me."]
Pie: Tim just said bone!
Monkey: When Tim says there's so much boning, you know there's a problem.
Wade: Tim reminds me so much of my thesis committe chairman.
Weet: I'm sorry.
Wade: No, I love him.

[Previews]
Weet: AAAAH!!!!!!!
Monkey: Wait, what's the big deal? It's not like they really spoil anything.
Weet: I want it to unfold naturally and organically.
Wade: Like natural and organic like reality television is mean to be?
Weet: Yes.
[Commercials.]

[JEN FU TAKES OVER KEYBOARD]
[WEET POINTS OUT THAT IT’S “KANEBOW” AS IN “RAINBOW.” BECAUSE HE IS COLORFUL. BOTH WADE AND PIE THOUGHT IT WAS KANE-BO AS IN TAE-BO. IT IS NOT.]

(Due to a weird technical difficulty, we might have lost twenty minutes of capping… we rewind and try to recapture the magic)
Jeffrey: Laura’s only got one thing that she knows how to do.
Weet: Get pregnant?
Monkey: Flapjacks!
Pie: You’re so random. It’s like the random kiwi ejaculation from earlier.
Monkey: What do you have against kiwi? I can stop anytime I like.
Pie: And now this blog will be the first Google result for “random kiwi ejaculations.”
Monkey: And you’ll be sad when you see how many hits you get for that.

[Jeffrey: “I’m the only one who knows what he’s doing.”]
Fu: Jeffrey doesn’t know how to be a human being.
Wade: Is Laura wearing false eyelashes?
Fu: Yes, because she’s fabulously glamorous. Oh, Kaynebow’s wearing a Kaynebow bracelet. Shut the fuck up, Vincent.
Pie: Vincent’s hair sucks.
Weet: I don’t like the boob coasters on Michael’s dress.
[Vincent: “Under the gun here.”]
Fu: I wish you were under a gun. My gun.
[Jeffrey: “I’m the only one here making a couture dress.”]
Pie: “I’m the only one worth anything.”
Fu: Oooh, glue! Glue forshadowing.
Wade: Laura’s feet are swollen after three months?
Fu: She’s fabulously glamorous.
Pie: And Jeffrey’s zipping up his pants, for God’s sakes! I didn’t need to see that.
Uli: Vincent’s fabric looks a little bit like a sofa.
Fu: A little bit!
Wade: Michael’s dress looks pretty, even though it doesn’t have a back.
Pie: Aw… he’s designed for a bigger model.
Fu: Michael likes an Oakland bootie.
Monkey: He’s like “man, I got Nicole Ritchie, I’m screwed!”
Weet: Vincent! He’s fucking glueing it!
Pie: The judges won’t know it’s glued, but Tim will know. This is just fueling the fire of Tim’s hatred.

(Designers go to the boat for judging)
W: Uli’s going to go up there and kick some French ass!
Fu: She’s German, you know how the German are.
Pie (to Jenfu): Kayne’s accent is almost as good as yours.
Jenfu: He’s a better French person than me.
Monkey: I think he’s gay.

[Jeffrey (sees the Statue of Liberty) “My inspiration was the Statue of Liberty.”]
Pie: I love lamp!

[Vincent salivates on Catherine]
Weet: Why don’t you just take out your weiner and wank on her.
Jenfu: Look at her body language, she’s grossed out.
Pie: She’s creeped out by the creepy man.

(Laura)
Weet: Even though this is sort of Wednesday Addams, I really like it.
Wade: It’s not Wednesday Addams, it’s more like seventeenth century Flemish.
Fu: I think it looks like a bathrobe.
Pie: I think it should be shorter.
Wade: Actually, couture gowns are generally long. You rarely see a short couture gown.
Pie: Wade, you’re so authoritative about fashion.
Fu: It’s hot.

(Michael)
Pie: I’m worried about him.
Weet: I don’t like the boob coasters.
Fu: The boob coasters are wrinkled. It looks like he just took it out of the dryer.

(Kaynebow)
Pie: I think it’s gorgeous.
Wade: The boobs are crooked.
Weet: I like the colors.
Pie: Crooked boobs are couture, you don’t know anything about fashion.
Fu: It’s floaty. It moves gorgeous.
Pie: Who are those random chicks in the background. Why is the Eiffel Tower growing out of Catharine’s head?

Vincent:

Weet: Sofa! My grandmother’s sofa!
Pie: It’s not as ugly as Michael’s, I’m confused, but Michael can’t go.
Fie: She’s upholstered.
Pie: Why couldn’t Vincent have designed the weird Barney ate Nicole Ritchie and pooped out that dress?

Jeffrey
Fu: I think it’s cool
Wade: It’s total Alexander McQueen ripoff.
Weet: That might be in its favor, because I usually don’t like couture and I don’t like that, so that might mean that it’s good.
Pie: That’s true. I think Jeffrey might be top three. Him, Michael and Laura.
Fu: I think Michael, Uli, and Jeffrey. I think laura’s going to get nailed on her repetitive-ness.
Weet: I have a bad feeling about Vincent going to the final three. He’s going to be the Santino. Or the Wendy Pepper.


(Transfer keyboard to fu)
Fu: Now I’m going to have all the funny lines.
Wade: Tomorrow Mo and Weet are going to be like, hey, Fu didn’t say that, I said that.
Monkey: Didn’t Winston Churchill say that?
(Pause)
Wade: Winston Churchill actually wasn’t very funny.
(Pause)
All: HAHAHAHAHA!

(Fucking Vincent)

W: I love how we have subtitles of Laura, Michael, etc, and then “Fucking Vincent”
Fu: Am I that transparent?

(Uli)
Wade: That’s the best one.
Pie: I don’t think it’s as nice as Kayne and his crooked boobs, which I enjoy. In order to be couture, there has to be something weird about it, like a duckling on it.
Monkey: I would pay money to see someone attach a duck to a dress.
Wade: Sew a duck or glue it, like Vincent?
Monkey: Sew, because a glued duck would be like “What the fuck?” and a sewed duck would be like “Ow ow ow!”
Fu: it would give it a sense of movement, which is totally couture.
Weet: Ducks can’t say “ow”

(Some discussion about Weet’s country background, in which all accused Weet of being “from the country” and Weet purported to be from the city, to which Pie brought forth evidence that Weet used to own ducks and horses, to which Wade mentioned playing in a turkey coop, and then there was mass rabble. Wade’s mom was Poultry Queen, so Wade totally wins.)

Weet: Uli and Laura were about to make out.
Fu: I wish you only nightmares, Jeffery
Pie: How could you like Uli’s gown? Do you see her boobs, how they’re hanging?
Wade: She doesn’t have boobs!
Pie: Wait, it’s Weet who has the boob problem.
Weet: I actually hate the braiding.
Pie: Is it too Santino?
Weet: YES.

Pie: Oh, Michael.
Weet: Great maternity gown, laura.
Wade: I like her dress, but her chest disturbs me. Her bones stick out further than her chest.
Weet: She’s like Skeletor.
Pie: She’s pregnant, so shouldn’t her bones…get…less?
Wade: She’s like, five minutes pregnant, though.
Pie: She’s flapjack pregnant! [pause] I don’t know what that means.

[Commercial. Talk of cell phones in cars. Evil! Evil! Hang up your phone, people. Fu is no Robert Penn Warren. “Oh, Sean Penn.”]

Pie: Their tiny fake plane! I bet they’re not really in that plane.
Weet: Not French models?
Fu: Tim was so cross there!
Pie: “Make it work, you assholes!” He’s just mad at Vincent.
Weet: More glue? Oh, Laura’s is gorgeous.
Wade: [makes a terrible face and hisses] It’s…hideousssssss.
Weet: You can hairspray that collar. Tresemme spray!
Pie: Oh, I love the pearls!
Fu: The pearls are a nice touch.

[Heidi comes in]
Pie: There she is, Wade! She’s pregnant, too. “You’re AUT.” [that was her German accent]
Weet: Boobfat! Boobfat Heidi!
Pie: She’s pregnant!
Weet: Pull down the bodice!
Pie: Maybe she’s just pregnant in the armpits!
Monkey: Flapjacks!
Weet: I would just like to share that I have a girl crush on Nina Garcia!

(Kayne)
Fu: See how beautifully that moves?
Pie: It sparkles! I love it. I really do.
Weet: They’re going to hate it.

(Laura)
Monkey: Grandma?
[Laura: “My dress depends on the collar…”]
Monkey: Which was a huge mistake.

(Uli)
Wade: Oooh, she’s got boobs!
Weet: She’s American.
Wade: And her boobs look good in it! The other model was flat and saggy.

(Jeffrey)
Weet: She knows how to work it. She can work it.
Monkey: It’s like a couch has sprung legs!
Weet: It’s like the inside of a camper.
Wade: Or an umbrella.

(Vincent)
Weet: Please fall, rosette. Please fall!
Fu: Fuck you, Vincent.

(Michael)
Pie: Did he just say something about a whore?
Weet: He’s sweating like a whore in church.
Pie: He looks so scared! Poor urban gentleman. He’s my favorite.
Weet: He’s not my favorite, but I’m worried. My favorite as a designer is Laura.

Monkey: What are you typing?
Fu: Everything everyone says! Oh god.

Judging:
Pie: Oh no. The ominous music of doom.
Fu: Heidi’s hair is a hot mess.
Weet: Couldn’t they pay to fly Catherine in to be the guest judge?
Wade: I think if she leaves France, she ceases to exist.

Uli:
Monkey: Project Solpsist. “ designed uniforms for an airline, you know!”

Kayne:
Weet: I love that!
Pie: It’s supposed to be couture! It’s not busy!
Wade: It’s not about bells and whistles.
Pie: Christian La Croix!
Wade: Well, he’s extreme. Classic coutoure is about being well-made and classic.

Jeffery:
Pie: Makes me want to go on a picnic. Lay her down, put some punch on her.
Weet: [makes exasperated sound] Nina!
Fu: Did they drag a homeless man off the street to judge?

Vincent:
Pie: They asked him what he made by hand. He didn’t answer the question.
Fu: It fits with the rest of the aesthetic, which is “awful.”
Weet: Please let the flower fall off.
Fu: Ha ha!
Pie: Not couture! Please laminate Vincent!

Michael:
Weet: And Cameron Diaz just wadded it up! Did you see Michael Kors? He’s like, what? Oh no, bitch didn’t!
Fu: Are they redesigning his dress on the runway?
Weet: Now it’s totally perfect!

Laura:
Fu: But it got crushed in transit! That is unfair. Poor Laura.
[Nina says it looks old.]
Pie: I think the phrase Nina is looking for is “17th Century Flemish.”

Weet: Basically, Jeffery or Uli won.
Fu: But they gave Santino so much shit about braids!

[Heidi: “Catherine gave this garment lots of stars.”]
Pie: Catherine’s so weird and French! She just doodled on the cards, and now the judges have to interpret it.
Monkey: Purple monkey dishwasher!
Fu: Why do they keep pulling out the taste card? Poor Kaynebow. Are they trashing Vincent? Yes!

The Decision:

Pie: It’s killing me.
Wade: I say Uli wins, Laura loses.
Pie: Nooooooo!
Weet: They were featuring her, with her pregnancy and stuff.
Pie: As long as it’s not Michael. But I don’t want to lose Laura before we lose Vincent!
Weet: I’m telling you, I have a bad feeling about Vincent.

[PIE TAKES THE KEYBOARD BACK.]

[Results]
[Jeffrey wins]
Fu: Fucking fucker.
Weet: Poor Uli has never won a one.
Pie: Yeah she did. She won the dog one.
Fu: Heidi’s so German. And I love Michael, he’s so gracious.
Pie: Bite me, Jeffrey.
Monkey: Being a jackass has just been totally vindicated.

[Michael is in. There is applause.]
Fu: He’s too cute to be out.
Ian (who we all thought had passed out from his half a glass of wine and who hasn’t spoken for an hour): Please let it be Vincent.

[Kayne is in.]
Weet and Fu: OH NOOOOOO.
Weet: It’s Vincent and Laura.
Fu: Oh no! Oh god!
Weet: Jen Wade! You did this!
Wade: Laura did it to herself! With her ugly dress!
Monkey: Laura is so gone. It was so grandma.
Weet and Fu: SHH! SHH!

[Laura is in]
LOUD SCREAMING AND CLAPPING AND HAPPINESS.
All, mostly Fu: Fuck yeah! Motherfucker! Finally! Woo!
Definitely Fu: Creepy motherfucker won’t be walking around in his underwear anymore!
Ian: It’s a day of joy!
Weet: I’m turned on by this. It really gets me off.
Fu: Tim Gunn’s in the back right now high-fiving everyone.
Weet: Oh yay, now we get to watch Tim Gunn trying to look sad.
Pie: Tim Gunn: SO HAPPY.
Weet: He’s smiling.
Fu: Was he, really?
[We rewind.]
Weet: Watch the little smirk he does right after he hugs Vincent.
[We watch. We laugh.]
Weet: I can’t wait to listen to Tim’s podcast.

And, we’re aut!