Thursday, April 01, 2010

This Would Be Better If They Were On Roller Skates: Top 10 Week

Mo Pie: I was going to try to find the "THIS..." part, but then stopped at this weird scene of Ryan making Simon kiss Ellen.
Weetabix: I haven't gotten there yet. I have them in a line, like at a wedding march. And they all look like they're praying, or at least the blonde one does.
Mo Pie: That was kind of an exciting shot, Ryan coming out from backstage!
Weetabix: It was! The studio looks smaller than it does when they're panning around.
Mo Pie: Opening credits game… spot Taylor!
Weetabix: He's there! He actually is there.
Mo Pie: Way off to the side.
Weetabix: He's the one that looks old.

Weetabix: Where does Simon find all of the partially see-through shirts? That's what I want to know.
Mo Pie: From my Dad, I think.
Weetabix: Ha! I've never seen your dad in a partially see through shirt.
Mo Pie: He also has partially see-through underwear.
Weetabix: Is that where you get your aversion to tighty-whities?
Mo Pie: Yes.
Weetabix: Randy has "California Dreamin'" on the back of his shirt.
Mo Pie: This is going to be a lot of filler. This is two hours and ten people. We should do some judicious fast forwarding.
Weetabix: Are there going to be montages? I'm sick of the montages. And by the way, what's Randy wearing? He's got a tiny little elephant appliquéd on his breast.
Mo Pie: Oh, Randy.
Weetabix: Ryan has a watch on and it looks giant, but I think it's a normal sized watch, and it just looks giant on Ryan.
Mo Pie: I heard Usher is good this week.
Weetabix: I don't care much about Usher, just so you know. I hear he's super short, so I'd be interested to see what he looks like next to Ryan.
Mo Pie: I would like to see Tom Cruise next to Ryan.
Weetabix: I would like to see them all in the chair Ian sat in. That's my favorite metric of how tall people are.
Mo Pie: Yes! (Go to the one-minute mark here to see Ian. Seriously.
Weetabix: Do you think Usher's wearing lifts?
Mo Pie: So this is a montage of "I love Usher." I don't think I could name a single Usher song.
Weetabix: That “yeah” song. where people go “yeah!"
Mo Pie: Yeah.
Weetabix: He looks like what Emmanuel Lewis should have looked like, if he had been a regular boy.
Mo Pie: Hee! Maybe he is Emmanuel Lewis. I've never seen them in the same place at the same time.
Weetabix: I wonder if Emmanuel Lewis is on Facebook.

Siobhan Magnus, Through The Fire"

Weetabix: Siobhan, with a bird in her hair.
Mo Pie: I love her giant glasses. I love them.
Weetabix: Look at her, she's dressed too cool. She's not as nerdy as she's fronting.
Mo Pie: [gasps] Is she a HIPSTER?
Weetabix: I think she's a hipster. She's the Generation Y version of what a hipster is. She's got amazing legs. She's kind of got an amazing body, I kind of like that she doesn't flaunt it.
Mo Pie: What advice did Usher give her?
Weetabix: Dress better.
Mo Pie: I wish she would do her nerdy-chic-hipster look for the stage.
Weetabix: I know. I think she's doing her Cinderella transition too early.
Mo Pie: Oh I know this song!
Weetabix: Really? I love Chaka Khan. But not enough that I know what this song is.
Mo Pie: I listen to a lot of lite radio. Don't judge me!
Weetabix: If it wasn't Siobhan, they'd nail her for those off notes.
Mo Pie: That shirt is cool. But not with sneakers.
Weetabix: I think it's a whole dress, she's got something on over it.
Mo Pie: Yeah this is not wowing me. And the dress from a distance looks like a Jesus loincloth.
Weetabix: She looks like she's in Xanadu. Maybe she's Kiera's sister, one of the nine muses of Greek mythology! If she had roller skates on, I would like this more.
Mo Pie: Randy's like, "that sucked but I love you." Oh my god, I like Randy's acapella sweater this week!
Weetabix: It's got a whale.
Mo Pie: I thought it was an elephant.
Weetabix: Well it is some fat symbolic animal. I think I would actually wear Randy's sweater if it didn't have CALIFORNIA DREAMIN' in big appliqué letters on the back.
Mo Pie: Kara's like, "you sucked but it was okay!" Siobhan's totally the chosen one.
Weetabix: Mm hmm.
Mo Pie: Kara looks like she's in Xanadu. That flowy, one-shoulder thing?
Weetabix: Go Simon! And Siobhan is wearing a Bumpit this week. I can actually see through it.
Mo Pie: Yay Bumpits! I don't care what Ryan has to say, at all. Stay in your box, Ryan.
Weetabix: This is called "we have time to fill."
Mo Pie: I love how all the other judges are nodding at Ellen.
Weetabix: Kara looks pissed off that Ellen got to talk. She quickly had to jump in.
Mo Pie: I don't think Kara likes it whenever anyone else talks, or sings. If it were up to Kara she would sing, be the judge, and be the host.
Weetabix: And she would write all the songs.
Mo Pie: "No Boundaries" week! AGAIN!

Casey James, “Hold On, I’m Comin’”

Mo Pie: Oh it's Casey!
Weetabix: Your boyfriend.
Mo Pie: Provisional. What is the theme this week by the way?
Weetabix: Uh... songs by black people? Well, at least Usher isn't just complimenting Casey on his wardrobe.
Mo Pie: You mean his unbuttoned shirt? And his little embroidered jeans? Oh he's got a red guitar! And it matches his shirt! Oh that is so cute! Sorry, I squeaked a little bit.
Weetabix: This is good.
Mo Pie: YEAH! I don't know this song at all but..
Mo Pie: I don't know! It's not on lite radio? This is a song for him. He looks a tiny bit nervous to me, but he sounds great.
Weetabix: I think he sounds fantastic. It's really well suited for his voice. Now I think he's feeling more relaxed now.
Mo Pie: I think so too. He knows it's going well. Oh he's doing a little guitar solo! You're so cute, Casey!
Weetabix: Your boyfriend.
Mo Pie: It doesn't have a lot of lyrics in it. But that was good. Even Usher approves.
Weetabix: Kara looks actually pissed!
Mo Pie: Kara does have that "stop talking so I can talk" look on her face. Kara is actually tapping her fingers! Ha! “Show me everything you got.” That's her code for "take off your pants"
Weetabix: You're projecting.
Mo Pie: Simon's leading up to something... He’s going to tell Casey he was good.
[Simon says Casey was good.]
Mo Pie:I could tell the little gleam in Simon's eye that he was going to do a psyche. Wow, Kara looks pissed again that Simon's talking. Jeez, Kara. Kara is annoying. Is that like fifteen minutes that I waited before I said that?
Weetabix: At least.
Mo Pie: I am growing as a person. Ryan's so wee!
Weetabix: He's miniature.
Mo Pie: He's like a dollhouse person.

Mike Lynche, "Ready for Love"

Mo Pie: This is also a song I don't know. I don't think.
Weetabix: Usher looks pissed in Mike's montage.
Mo Pie: Usher just gave some good advice about projecting to the back of the room. Now he's gazing at the camera.
Weetabix: Oh my god that's the CREEPIEST THING EVER!
Mo Pie: Then he put his sunglasses back on.
Weetabix: I like India Arie but I don't think I know this song either. I would have liked him to do "I'm a Queen."
Mo Pie: Hee. This is pretty. And I think he's wearing a wallet chain, by the way.
Weetabix: I like him for many reasons. That is not the only reason I like him.
Mo Pie: Are you just quiet because you're immersed in the performance?
Weetabix: I'm just enjoying it. It's not that "wow" of a performance, but I'm lulled. Maybe it's the swaying hands. Do you think they pay people to sway their hands like that?
Mo Pie: I think they have a SWAY HANDS sign, like an APPLAUSE sign.
Weetabix: I don't think it was all that, dawg, but I enjoyed it. And I don't know the song, either.
Mo Pie: I think Randy just called it a "beautiful ballot."
Weetabix: I like Mike's smile. I think that's it.
Mo Pie: I'm enjoying Ellen's judgery, I have to say.
Weetabix: So I think that your hate of Kara is starting to become infectious, because now I just want to smack her. And I think I liked her insecurity last year, when Paula was there.
Mo Pie: She's moved up, she's the Alpha female.
Weetabix: Well she thinks she is. But really... I mean, come on. In a vote-off? Kara vs. Ellen? America has chosen.
Mo Pie: Very true. And Simon liked it.
Weetabix: Well, he had a great performance, but it was subdued kudos. Like, we know you're cannon fodder, we know you're not the chosen, but we’re not gonna stomp on you either.

Didi Benami, “What Becomes of the Broken Hearted

Weetabix: Who is this girl again?
Mo Pie: Who? Didi? She kind of looks like Anna Kendrick.
Weetabix: Hmmm... no. You're wrong.
Mo Pie: Oh, she's crying in front of Usher. Why is she weeping in front of Usher? This is embarrassing. Usher is taking American Idol very seriously.
Weetabix: Well, it's better than the Jamie Foxx episode.
Mo Pie: You're just comparing them because they're both black people. It’s racist joke week!
Weetabix: No, they both have big ears though. Actually I think they both have about the same amount of talent.
Mo Pie: Oh you bite your tongue. Usher has way more talent than Jamie Foxx even though I can't name a single song he sings.
Weetabix: Actually, have you seen Ray? Jamie Foxx is great in Ray.
Mo Pie: No, I haven't yet, even though we own it. Is Didi wearing like a torchsong dress?
Weetabix: Seems like.
Mo Pie: She's got kind of buff arms.
Weetabix: Her voice is still awful though.
Mo Pie: This is not the right song for her at all. This is just the wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong song, dawg. I like her voice and the song, but not together at all.
Weetabix: Randy thinks it wasn't the song.
Mo Pie: Well I think it was the song.
Weetabix: She's very pretty though.
Mo Pie: Kara or Didi?
Weetabix: Didi.
Mo Pie: Well, Kara is pretty too. I enjoy her eyeshadow. It matches her outfit.
Weetabix: You're never supposed to match your eyeshadow to your outfit!
Mo Pie: Well, I enjoyed it. I will match my eyeshadow to my outfit and then walk around with my designer knockoff purse and then I'll say, "Wendy bought me this purse and told me to wear this eyeshadow and said it looked good on me!"
Weetabix: Why do you hate me?
Mo Pie: They're playing Kara off. Ha! Good!
Weetabix: Yay!
Mo Pie: One of Didi's friends is wearing a shirt that says "Didi is my American Idol" but when he raised his arms to clap, it just said "Eric Idol" and I was like, what does Monty Python have to do with this?

Tim Urban, "Sweet Love"

Weetabix: I'm paused with Ryan with his hands between his legs, hiding his erection from Tim Urban.
Mo Pie: That's disturbing. And... go. And Ryan just said, "It's going down." I blame you for my dirty mind.
Weetabix: Hee.
Mo Pie: Tim kinda does look like Zac Efron.
Weetabix: He does. And also, the guy from Virgin Suicides.
Mo Pie: As you say.
Weetabix: "Sweet Love!" You'll know this because it's on lite radio!
Mo Pie: Yeah I do!
Weetabix: Is Usher touching an imaginary woman's boobs?
Mo Pie: Yes. This would be awkward if Tim were gay.
Weetabix: It would. Is Usher gay?
Mo Pie: Not that I know of. Jamie Foxx is, though.
Weetabix: Really?
Mo Pie: He's on the downlow.
Weetabix: With Eddie Murphy?
Mo Pie: Yes. Tim's got these kind of glazed, weird eyes.
Weetabix: He's scared or something. I'm a little embarrassed right now for him.
Mo Pie: He'll be fine. Little Michael J. Fox will be fine.
Weetabix: This reminds me of that unlicensed music that plays over, like, Lifetime movies.
Mo Pie: This is just because you hate lite radio.
Weetabix: It is. It is true.
Mo Pie: This is... neutral.
Weetabix: It is neutral.
Mo Pie: [Sings doo doo doo]
Weetabix: This kind of blows chunks. Sorry, Tim Urban. You're really good looking. This is a bad song choice though, for you.
Mo Pie: He's been way worse, though.
Weetabix: Okay, but that's not really a compliment. That's a Kara Dioguardi comment.
Mo Pie: Ha!
Weetabix: By the way, "at least you were in tune though, mostly" is also not constructive criticism.
Mo Pie: My phone keeps vibrating. Why is it vibrating?
Weetabix: Put it between your legs!
Mo Pie: Ellen makes me laugh. Kara makes me stabby.
Weetabix: I think Simon wants to punch Kara. That's why he's putting his fist on the back of her chair.
Mo Pie: Now you're projecting.
Weetabix: Maybe.
Mo Pie: It's true that Tim and his little dimples are going to get through no matter what.
Weetabix: Yeah.
Mo Pie: Simon is funny. And Tim has a cool tie.
Weetabix: He does. I have never had bad things to say about his overall look.
Mo Pie: It's true. and he's a good sport. Like I don't think he's faking his amusement. I don't think he's calculated.
Weetabix: I don't think so either. I think he's earnest.

Andrew Garcia, “Forever”

Weetabix: Oh stop it, Ryan.
Mo Pie: Fillllllllllller.
Weetabix: Andrew?
Mo Pie: That's Andrew.
Weetabix: That's his name?
Mo Pie: Yeah! Andrew!
Weetabix: Ok, I have forgotten.
Mo Pie: Andrew is even shorter than Usher. From the relative heights of Andrew and Usher and Andrew and Ryan Seacrest, we should be able to determine the heights of Usher and Ryan Seacrest!
Weetabix: Oh I LOVE THIS SONG!
Mo Pie: Yeah, I do too. Isn't this the song with the wedding video?
Weetabix: Yes.
Mo Pie: That's a smart choice, because everyone's seen this song on YouTube.
Weetabix: He's making it his own, y'all.
Mo Pie: He IS!
Weetabix: This is lovely!!!
Mo Pie: What a brilliant song choice, really. This is fun!
Weetabix: I think this is a Chris Brown song? Aw, I like this!
Mo Pie: Me too! Yay Andrew! I'm so glad he's doing well! I'm swaying.
Weetabix: I'm just enjoying it and trying to figure out who Andrew reminds me of.
Mo Pie: I want to go watch Jim and Pam's wedding again!
Weetabix: That had charm and charisma!
Mo Pie: That's right! Andrew IS back! The outfit IS mad dope! I think they're just happy to say something good about Andrew.
Kara: Nothing makes me happier to say that this was miles beyond last week.
Mo Pie: Nothing makes Kara happier than to be on camera talking, actually.
Weetabix: That was pertinent constructive criticism from Simon.
Mo Pie: You're right, and also, Ryan is about the same height as Andrew, which means that he's shorter than Usher. Wait, Mrs. Garcia is wearing a zebra vest. Oh my god, this is embarrassing, I can't watch them bringing Andrew's little fashion-backwards mother up on the stage! I'm not watching. I'm looking at something else. I'm looking at the wall.

Katie Stevens, "Chain of Fools"

Mo Pie: Who's next?
Weetabix: Edie?
Mo Pie: There’s nobody named Edie.
Weetabix: I'm hoping it’s Edie from Grey Gardenns
Mo Pie: It's Katie!
Weetabix: Flowers in the Attic! And with Usher she was totally playing the "I’ve stalked you before" card.
Mo Pie: Is that a card?
Weetabix: She doesn't have many cards.
Mo Pie: This is another song Fantasia has done. Didn't Katie fail on a Fantasia song last week?
Weetabix: Those are pretty big footsteps to fill.
Mo Pie: Aretha and Fantasia? Yes.
Weetabix: This is gonna end in tears. She's dressed cute, though!
Mo Pie: She’s got a bumpit too though!
Weetabix: Yes, but also adorable shoes and cute leggings. And earrings that could be worn as bracelets.
Mo Pie: And too many accessories. She should do the Coco Chanel thing.
Weetabix: I feel like she's got a really good voice, but her stage presence is lacking.
Mo Pie: It feels contrived. Like, "I'm gonna be R&B now."
Weetabix: She's a tiny girl, but that jumpsuit is just not a good look for her. Or many people.
Mo Pie: Yeah, her shoes are awesome, though. Now that I've seen them.
Weetabix: She's also about two accessories away from acceptability.
Mo Pie: I think the song is too big for her.
Weetabix: It is.
Mo Pie: Randy loved it. Okay, Randy.
Weetabix: I'm sorry, but especially not after Andrew, this was not the best vocal performance of the night.
Mo Pie: Or Casey!
Weetabix: Oh blah blah blah.
Mo Pie: "Snookie-pouf"! Awesome. She's kind of glaring at Ellen, though. Don't glare, Katie.
Weetabix: They are setting her up for a fail! This is not where she belongs.
Mo Pie: Thank you Simon, voice of reason yet again.
Weetabix: He is really the only one who's not crazy.
Mo Pie: What is this show going to be without him?
Weetabix: Just Kara Dioguardi, sitting on a stool in the middle of the stage.
Mo Pie: Hee.
Weetabix: Star Search... good comparison.
Mo Pie: I don't think Katie's an artist. She's not an artist at all. She's a singer.
Weetabix: This is the talent part of her pageant performance.
Mo Pie: I guess she could win me over. I like Diana DiGarmo now. But I don't like Katie’s glaring.
Weetabix: She's been locked up in an attic with her twin siblings and her brother. You can't blame her.

Lee Dewyze, “Treat Her Like A Lady”

Mo Pie: Who is this Lee?
Weetabix: BJ Novak!
Mo Pie: So you keep saying. I don't believe you.
Weetabix: I don't even know who the Cornelious Brothers are!
Mo Pie: I don't know either.
Weetabix: Usher's creepy.
Mo Pie: Usher has very straight across shaved hair! Like he has Betty Page bangs, only the shaved head version! Poor little insecure Lee. Aw, Usher's so supportive. Look at him!
Weetabix: Mmm.
Mo Pie: Can I just say that I think Lee Dewyze has a Danny Gokey vibe going on?
Weetabix: Yeah, that's what we said like three weeks ago.
Mo Pie: Well, I'm going to agree with...with us. He's got a Danny Gokey thing going on. Maybe he'll come in third. He continues to make no impression on me at all. That was good, but I know that I'm going to forget it in like ten minutes.
Weetabix: I fully agree. He's actually got a good voice. Much better than Tim. But no one remembers.
Mo Pie: I think Randy might just be on ecstasy.
Weetabix: Awwww Simon.
Mo Pie: Oh my god! Simon telling him his life just changed! That was sweet. That might be the nicest thing Simon has ever said to anyone.
Weetabix: Look Lee is crying! Oh no, not votey fingers.
Mo Pie: I would be crying too! Of course, I will still forget him in ten minutes but for now, I'm having a moment.

Crystal, "Midnight Train To Georgia."

Weetabix: Crystal has promised us we'll be surprised and amazed this week.
Mo Pie: She sure did!
[They announce her song choice]
Both: I love this song!!!
Mo Pie: I think Usher’s kind of feeling Crystal, if you know what I mean.
Weetabix: Yes, feeling her with his penis. He's leading with his penis, if you'll notice.
Mo Pie: I love this already. She hasn't even sung anything.
Weetabix: I love her outfit. It's actually all open in the back.
Mo Pie: I already know I'm going to download this,
Weetabix: She hasn't even gotten to the first stanza yet! You shoot your wad so fast.
Mo Pie: I'm very popular.
[Both laugh]
Mo Pie: I don't actually know what that means.
Weetabix: She's so cute! Look at her! I always feel sad that someone like Crystal has to be on this show to become famous. She's really too good to be on this show.
Mo Pie: Oh she's SO GOOD. I love her. I love this. The judges are going to blow their wads over this.
Weetabix: Kara will look stingy and unimpressed.
Mo Pie: Is Jane Lynch there?!?? With her girlfriend?
Weetabix: It's a Glee tie-in!
Mo Pie: SUE SYLVESTER! And yes, Crystal was great. I agree with thee judges.
Weetabix: Interesting critique about the backing vocals. Now that he says it, he's absolutely right.
Mo Pie: That's true. But I think she's consistently great no matter what.
Weetabix: Did he just point out she's wearing heels?
Mo Pie: Simon is being so sweet tonight.
Weetabix: Maybe he's having his period. This is how Simon has his period.
Mo Pie: He's not been needlessly nice. He's just being nice when people deserve it.
Weetabix: He's being accurate.

Aaron Kelly, “Ain’t No Sunshine”

Mo Pie: I think Ryan likes being dominated by Simon.
Weetabix: Uh, yeah.
Mo Pie: didn't Kris Allen do "Ain’t No Sunshine" last season and it was really good?
Weetabix: That was very good feedback. The "iknowIKnowIKNOW" feedback.
Mo Pie: Ian just walked in and is doing a little dance. An Usher dance.
Weetabix: I'm sorry I'm missing that.
Mo Pie: Look at his little fauxhawk! Little Aaron Kelly! I think I may have underestimated this kid.
Weetabix: I think he's got more legs than Tim Urban.
Mo Pie: If his voice was in Tim Urban's body, he would be unstoppable. But instead, it's like Kris Allen's voice inside of Kevin Covais's body. Ooh, that note wasn't great though. I don't think his voice was as great as Kris Allen's.
Weetabix: I think you're being flagrant with the use of the word "great.”
Mo Pie: That's true. Can you replace it with some word that's not that word?
Weetabix: No.
Mo Pie: Replace it with splendid, magnificient, splendiforous, magical. Let's just call it prepubescent. That's great, Ellen. No, David Archuleta. That's who he looks like.
Weetabix: He's got beady eyes. He looks like something, not Archuleta. Something.
Mo Pie: He's Hermie the dentist.
Weetabix: THAT'S IT!!!!!!!!


Mo Pie: Predictions!
Weetabix: I hate these predictions! Because then we immediately go online and I find out I’m wrong?
Mo Pie: Maybe flowers in the attic girl? Maybe that forgettable guy? No, he was good.
Weetabix: I'm going to go with a shocker. Maybe Michael Lynche.
Mo Pie: Maybe Didi?
Weetabix: Oh right! I forgot her! Yes, Didi!
Mo Pie: Should I look!?
Weetabix: Yes! I'm cringing!
Mo Pie: Bottom three: Katie, Didi and... they don't know!
Weetabix: It's still going on!
Mo Pie: Well text me when you find out! I have to go to my writing group.
Weetabix: I will!
Mo Pie: And Weetapidol… out!


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