Wednesday, March 24, 2010

Top 11: The Night of a Thousand Necklaces

Mo Pie: I'm paused after Ryan says "This…"
Weetabix: Would the next words he's about to say be "…is American Idol"?
Mo Pie: Yes it would be! Oh, that worked well.
Weetabix: It did. That should always be our queue up point.

Mo Pie: There's Kara already flirting with Simon. It's been like three seconds since the show started.
Weetabix: I like her boots though.
Mo Pie: They are good boots. I noticed them as well. Dunkleman is here tonight.
Weetabix: Dunkleman! He's PINK. DUNKLEMAN IS PINK!
Mo Pie: Wow, your HDTV must be H-er than my HDTV because it looks white to me.
Weetabix: Maybe it means I need a new HDTV.
Mo Pie: Yeah, I'm pretty sure that's not pink.
Weetabix: Ellen seems to be wearing um, gauze around her neck?
Mo Pie: it's not a jaunty cravat like last week.
Weetabix: Kara yet again takes an opportunity to touch Simon.
Mo Pie: And she says "He likes to give me a hard time" and then looks at him. Like, he's not going to say "That's what she said" back. It's family hour!
Weetabix: Simon’s telling Ryan to stay where he is, but he's really transference. He means to say it to Kara.
Mo Pie: Why do they have both Randy and Simon explaining about the tour? Why?
Weetabix: America has a short attention span?
Mo Pie: Someone start singing soon, please, good fucking lord. I like how everyone is smiling except for that one dude at the end.

Mo Pie: Is Crystal Bowersox just going to slap Miley Cyrus?
Weetabix: Is Miley Cyrus like twelve?
Mo Pie: Fourteen?
Weetabix: I think she's fifteen.
Mo Pie: They just said that she was seventeen, but in interviews, she sounds like she's fifteen. See, that was just some fifteen-year-old babble. You'd swear Dakota Fanning was like ten years older than her, the way she talks.
Weetabix: She's got a giant jaw. She's all jaw, I never noticed that before.
Mo Pie: [after Miley's "pitchy" tirade] Ok, I have to give Miley points for that. “Randy only says pitchy when he doesn't have anything else to say.”

Lee DeWyze (aka BJ Novak), "The Letter"

Mo Pie: BJ Novak has made absolutely no impression on me so far.
Weetabix: Who was that guy last year that I had the whole total hard on for?
Mo Pie: Oh god, was it the guy with the wallet chain?
Weetabix: It's always the guy with the wallet chain.
Mo Pie: Was it Danny Gokey? I've blocked that out of my brain.
Weetabix: It was Danny. Yes.
Mo Pie: See and he starts singing and I'm asleep. I guess he's kind of Danny Gokey-esque.
Weetabix: Yes, he's got that sort of bland appeal that America likes, kind of a tater tot casserole appeal.
Mo Pie: He's got like the Idolettes in the background and a brass band. He's got a lot going on right now. He seems like he should be a Muppet or something. Like he's got a hand up his back.
Weetabix: He could really be made from blue flannel, yes.
Mo Pie: Yes, I guess it's ok. I don't know. I didn’t have any hardcore feelings about that performance.
Weetabix: I was meh. Except for the Gokey.
Mo Pie: People are cheering. He did not make it sound old timey stale, Randy's right, so that's true.
Weetabix: That was sweet "My favorite pen is back." That was sweet. She could totally get in my pants.
Mo Pie: [creepy whisper]
Weetabix: WHAT?
Mo Pie: I was just sighing, except the sound “Kara DioGuardi” came out. Simon said it was corny.
Weetabix: Once again, I reiterate: Meh.
Mo Pie: I will have completely forgotten about this by the end.
Weetabix: How much wine have you had?
Mo Pie: About half a glass. I'll need some more soon.

Paige Miles, "Against All Odds"

Weetabix: What's her name again? She has some kind of pen on her necklace?
Mo Pie: That's Paige Miles.
Weetabix: I like Paige, but I don't approve of her Joan-on-Mad-Men pen-on-a-necklace.
Mo Pie: Is that a pen or a USB jump drive?
Weetabix: You know it might be a very blinged out jump drive! By the way, when did leggings come back?
Mo Pie: They've been back for a while.
Weetabix: But leggings-as-pants.... I mean, you have to remember, I'm from Green Bay.
Mo Pie: I think it's Lindsay Lohan's fault.
Weetabix: Miley seemed to have forgotten to put on pants that morning she was mentoring people.
Mo Pie: Paige is singing Phil Collins!?!
Weetabix: Yes, but thankfully not “Sussudio.” Or else I would have to stick something in my ear.
Mo Pie: Ha!
Weetabix: I'm sorry, this is horrible. I love Paige Miles, but this is awful. If this were karaoke right now, we would stand in unison and walk out.
Mo Pie: Yeah.
Weetabix: This is a bad song choice. This is a really hard song to sing. Didn't the blind guy sing this one time? Scott Crawford?
Mo Pie: Scott McIntyre. Ooh, ouch, that note.
Weetabix: This is not good. And I really like Paige a lot. I'm very sad right now.
[Page attempts to hit another note]
Weetabix: Oh god, no. Honey! Did they force her to do this? Was there a gun held to the head of her mother?
Mo Pie: Oh my god, this is a trainwreck.
Weetabix: I think she should have gone with “Sussudio.”
Mo Pie: Poor Paige.
Weetabix: She's very pretty. I'll fill in for Paula. "You're very pretty! I like the top you're wearing! I like your USB drive necklace!"
Mo Pie: Oh my god, if the best Ellen can say is "you didn't fall down..." And Ellen can't even do it, she’s passing.
Weetabix: This was really really bad. She's so much better than that.
Mo Pie: Poor Paige.
Weetabix: Wow. Yeah. Poor Paige.
Mo Pie: I don't know how she's not weeping right now.
Weetabix: Maybe she just doesn't care... maybe Kara's right. You know what she should have done? “Party in the USA,” y'all.
Mo Pie: That would've been kinda genius, actually. Isn't she the same age as Miley?
Weetabix: I think she's older. I think Paige can drink.
Mo Pie: Is she gonna get the sympathy backlash vote, or was it really that bad?
Weetabix: Seriously, it was like karaoke. Not even Mint-level karaoke.
Mo Pie: Ryan's trying to drum up the sympathy vote. Godspeed, Ryan.

Tim Urban, "Crazy Little Thing Called Love”

Mo Pie: Oh my god, I love this song!
Weetabix: Meh.
Mo Pie: Although there's no way he could do this song as well as Fantasia did it. And also, Tim can't really sing. Even Miley thinks he can't sing. “Oh hug me, cute boy!”
[Mo makes a disparaging comment about Miley's reputation.]
Mo Pie: You don't have to type that. It was kind of mean.
Weetabix: I don't think Miley reads Weetapidol.
Mo Pie: He's so sparkly. He's got this Michael J. Fox in Back to the Future vibe. He should be singing “Johnny B Goode.”
Weetabix: Kind of! Or Crispin Glover in Back to the Future! He's trying desperately to have some kind of charm.
Mo Pie: I think the little girls love him.
Weetabix: But...
Mo Pie: Yeah, but he's like on a budget cruise ship right now.
Weetabix: That's pretty good, actually. We've been ON that cruise ship.
Mo Pie: We have been, that's true.
Weetabix: And I seem to remember that you demanded to go watch that performance and I demanded to stay in the bar and drink.
Mo Pie: In hindsight, you did make the right choice there. I agree with Randy, Tim did not show off his voice at all. He was boring.
Weetabix: Did Ellen get a haircut? Her ears seem unusually large right now.
Mo Pie: I love her, I love everything about her.
Weetabix: Maybe Portia's just been pulling them. Wow, Kara just said that "little girls will love that.” You and Kara are mental twins!
Mo Pie: You bite your tongue! I mean, I agree with her, but… you bite your tongue!
Mo Pie: She's like "At least I can get my eye in this shot. My eye will be in this shot." She's the judge version of how desperate Tim is when he goes to the audience. She sees herself in him. That was very profound of me, I feel.
Weetabix: That was very drunky of you, I feel.

Aaron Kelly, "I Don't Want To Miss A Thing"

Weetabix: He's the one with the family with 11 kids, right?
Mo Pie: That was Tim, I think. Aaron's the one dressed like a... farmer... hipster?
Weetabix: He looks like a Lost Boy.
Mo Pie: He has a crush on Miley... he's singing a Miley Cyrus song? No, Aerosmith. He's singing the Armageddon song!
Weetabix: Now he's got like... dandelions? Asteroids? In the background.
Mo Pie: Asteroids, for Armageddon!
Weetabix: Everyone in the world is enamored of this song....
Mo Pie: This song is awful, and I cannot be the only one who hates it.
Weetabix: If you say that to 99% of our generation, they can't believe you say it's awful.
Mo Pie: This is because you're in Green Bay.
Weetabix: Probably. They play this on 10-cent buffalo wings night. Is Aaron trying to be a country crossover like Miley is?
Mo Pie: Maybe, but he REALLY should have done a Miley Cyrus song. It would have been way more interesting.
Weetabix: This isn't just your hatred of Aerosmith power ballads talking?
Mo Pie: Partially.
Weetabix: But you have to understand that Aerosmith's "Angel" is the best power ballad ever. Just putting that out there. In Marry, Fuck or Kill, I'm going to fuck "Angel" every single time and basically kill every other song of theirs.
Mo Pie: I will marry “Janie’s Got a Gun.”
Weetabix: I love how Randy just slammed the previous two contestants.
Mo Pie: Because they were bad!
Weetabix: I don't think Tim Urban was that bad!
Mo Pie: I love Zac Efron as much as the next person, but Tim was bad.
Weetabix: Did Kara write this? Because she's complimenting the song. They just played music to get Kara to stop talking.
Mo Pie: They played Kara off!
Weetabix: They did!
Mo Pie: Oh my god, Ryan just made a David Archuleta joke! I feel like he should be contributing to our blog.

Crystal Bowersox, "Me and Bobby McGee”

Mo Pie: I'm so excited that she's doing this song! This is your song!
Weetabix: Which song?
Mo Pie: “Me and Bobby McGee”!
Weetabix: Oh, nice!
Mo Pie: Crystal Bowersox is desperately trying not to spit in Miley Cyrus's face. It's so ridiculous to hear her say to Miley, "I'm not sure if I can do it?"
Weetabix: Oh my god, she's pandering to Miley Cyrus! Oh, she's lovely.
Mo Pie: Oh my god, she's fantastic.
Weetabix: She was born to sing this song. It's probably not her first time. It's kind of like when you're like "aw yeah, I'm in my wheelhouse now"
Mo Pie: She's squarely in her wheelhouse.
Weetabix: She's just got so much confidence.
Mo Pie: It's like she's from a totally different show. Like maybe a show of people who are already famous singers. That show.
Weetabix: Yeah.
Mo Pie: That was cool. That was my first download of the season. I'm going to download that.
Weetabix: Absolutely. It was REALLY good.
Mo Pie: I still love when you sing it too.
Weetabix: You can love other versions! It's ok!
Mo Pie: I want your MP3 too. If it were on iTunes, I would download the fuck out of it. Ellen's advice to give more energy back to the audience is probably, actually, really good.
Weetabix: That is really good advice, from a relating to people in the public point of view, which these kids don't have a lot of experience in. Oooh, Crystal's like "Yeah, back off, bitch" to Kara. And now I have to download the Pink version, on Simon's recommendation.
Mo Pie: They're showing Crystal's feet? Is Tarantino directing this?
Weetabix: Well, Ryan does like feet.
Mo Pie: She was terrific.
[Ian walks in and Mo brings him up to speed.]
Mo Pie [to Weetabix]: Tonight’s show so far has been like "sucks sucks sucks sucks awesome." That's my recap of tonight's show. Our liveblog could have been really short.

Mike Lynch, "When a Man Loves a Woman"

Weetabix: Yes! I love Michael Lynche. Even though he's wearing that hat.
Mo Pie: He's going to speak to the luvvahs out there! Oh my god.
Weetabix: You can only do that if you have really big testicles.
Mo Pie: Wearing the hat or singing the song?
Weetabix: Singing the song... big guys love hats.
Mo Pie: This sounds nice...
Weetabix: I could do with a little less unbuttoning.
Mo Pie: Now THAT is a pink pocket square. I could totally hear him on the "Delilah" radio show, talking to the luvvahs.
Weetabix: That's true.
Ian: He has to bring it at this part.
Weetabix: Tell Ian to wait! It will be broughten.
Mo Pie: I passed it on.
Weetabix: Now what has he got around his neck? A dog tag and a pen?
Mo Pie: Did I mention Crystal's leaf? I liked her leaf.
Weetabix: No you did not.
Mo Pie: I just assume they're all USB flash drives now. And I want one in the shape of a leaf.
Weetabix: I love the soft and gentle flourish at the end. I think Michael might actually be a superhero.
Mo Pie: How so?
Weetabix: I think this is his secret identity: American Idol contestant. I don't think anyone would ever suspect. Plus, I would love to see him in latex.
Mo Pie: Um….
Weetabix: “Sorry you had to come after Crystal, y'all.”
Mo Pie: I actually hate this song. And Michael Bolton.
Weetabix: And wasn't Percy Sledge a wife beater?
Ian: Percy Sledge! Not Michael Bolton!
Weetabix: You've been chastised from both ends now.
Mo Pie: That's what she said!

Andrew Garcia, “I Heard It Through the Grapevine”

Mo Pie: It actually looks like Ryan's in a spaceship, not a pulpit. A spaceshippy pulpit.
Weetabix: His pocket square is definitely a white Dunkleman.
Mo Pie: Oh, this guy. I forgot about this guy last week. I really hope he's good this week, because he really really needs to be good.
Weetabix: I don't know that he has it in him.
Mo Pie: To do it with the guitar down or do a good performance?
Weetabix: Either. Plus it's this song.
Mo Pie: I can't get over the California Raisins doing it.
Weetabix: Exactly.
Mo Pie: I had this tape, “The California Raisins Sing The Greatest Hits.” It's how I learned the words to “La Bamba” in Spanish. This is like the worst possible choice of songs.
[Unintelligible conversation between Mo and Ian.]
Weetabix: I love how you're totally not paying attention to this song and having side conversations with your husband.
Mo Pie: I don't really have anything more to say about this, other than “California Raisins” and “bad song choice.” Oh, and he's dressed like an Australian crocodile hunter.
Weetabix: Miley looks a little embarrassed.
Mo Pie: Because he looks like Crocodile Dundee.
Weetabix: Ellen and Randy didn't like it. "You suck but you're nice"… how bad must your life suck if Kara feels bad for you?
Mo Pie: "you're chasing the moment! you're confused!" well no wonder, he gets nothing but pressure and mixed messages. "Stop chasing the moment! “You need a MOMENT!"
Weetabix: they tell him to do different things all the time!
Mo Pie: Poor Andrew. I don't think it was that bad, but it wasn't that good. Simon says he sucked the soul out of the song.
Weetabix: No, Simon, animated clay raisins sucked the soul out of that song.
Mo Pie: Hahaha! Animated clay raisins!
Weetabix: I do enjoy Mr. Garcia's "cheap rack at Lenscrafters" glasses, however
Mo Pie: Oh my god we have FIVE MORE OF THESE PEOPLE TO GO? Who the hell are they??
Weetabix: I KNOW! I don’t even recall… a bunch of whiteys at this point. I'm more excited about the return of Glee.
Mo Pie: Hee. Aren't we all?

Katie Stevens, “Big Girls Don’t Cry”

Weetabix: Oh no, not Fergie
Mo Pie: Wow, Katie picked a non-old-timey song!
Weetabix: She sings out of her nose! I never realized that before, but she's totally singing out of her nose.
Mo Pie: And is Katie wearing crazy shoulder pads? And also a USB necklace?
Weetabix: Yes, she is
Mo Pie: Fergie was AWESOME in Nine. She was the best thing about that movie by a mile.
Weetabix: I haven't seen it yet. I just don't like her as a ballad singer.
Mo Pie: Also, Katie is doing something contemporary and that's awesome.
Weetabix: She has shiny hair
Mo Pie: And seriously, every single contestant is wearing at least three necklaces. I think that's a thing now.
Weetabix: The show has stock in Claire's Jewelry Boutique
Mo Pie: Katie is not hitting these notes, in the traditional sense of "hitting" the "notes."
Weetabix: I don't like Katie's voice. I would like to voice that right now… if you close your eyes, you want to punch someone.
Mo Pie: The suspenders and peace sign shirt are adding to my desire to punch someone. She looks like Donnie Wahlberg, circa 1990.
Weetabix: Seriously, I wouldn't even get excited about this at karaoke. I wouldn't leave, but I would give my usual sarcastic three claps and then continue to look through the book.
Mo Pie: Sarcastic claps? That’s cold, man!
Weetabix: You know me. I'm a bitch.
Mo Pie: If Katie went home, it would not bother me.
Weetabix: I probably would be "who's that?" during the reunion show. America, get rid of her before the tour!!!!
Mo Pie: I liked the song choice though.
Weetabix: Yeah, it was ok, dawg.
Mo Pie: Miley is making wiggle fingers at her. DON'T LET MILEY EAT YOUR SOUL, KATIE!
Weetabix: I endeavor to use the term "chalk and cheese" at least once this week.
Mo Pie: That's so Britishy! I endeavor to say, " 'ello Guv'nah!" in the same time period.
Weetabix: Vote fingers! HATE! This is why I would have sarcastic clapping, because she's a votey fingers girl.

Casey, “The Power of Love”

Weetabix: Gordon Ramsey is in the audience, which is weird.
Mo Pie: That is... bizzaaahh, as Heidi Klum would say. Oh Casey, you should do an ad for conditioner.
Weetabix: Here's your boyfriend
Mo Pie: He has nice shoulders and hair. That's as far as I'll go.
Casey: "I'm a big fan of your dad's."
Weetabix: that was AWESOME
Mo Pie: I would vote for him RIGHT NOW ON THAT BASIS ALONE.
Weetabix: I kind of like him more now too, despite his Vidal Sassoon locks.
Mo Pie: Miley making stupid cat eye fingers. Miley, YOU KNOW NOTHING. And speaking of Back to the Future, here’s “The Power of Love”…
Weetabix: This is as though it's been filtered through a hair band or something. He's good though.
Mo Pie: I like his lightning bolt guitar strap, but this song is, again, kind of old-timey. Can we just hear Crystal sing "Me and Bobby McGee" again?
Weetabix: The Captain just said he sounds like Huey Lewis.
Mo Pie: that's a bad sign. That = karaoke.
Weetabix: I think he is, as they say on the panel, making it his own.
Mo Pie: He has not won me over with this song. I'm unwilling to commit to him as my boyfriend. We're just hooking up at this point.
Weetabix: He's got very pretty eyes though.
Mo Pie: I agree with Ellen and Randy that the song choice was boring, but it was so NOT the best vocal of the night. Hello, CRYSTAL BOWERSOX?
Weetabix: blah blah blah Kara… they are just jealous of Crystal. Simon isn't drinking the Kool Aid…
Mo Pie: Simon says it was identical to Huey Lewis. Yep. Team Simon!

Didi Benami, “You’re No Good”

Mo Pie: Nice song choice, Didi! And again with the three necklaces.
Weetabix: Maybe they've been given a thousand necklaces and have to wear every single one of them on camera.
Mo Pie: Hahaha! Is that hilarious or am I tispy?
Weetabix: One of those two things, definitely.
Mo Pie: Since I just typed "tispy" we might have our answer…
Weetabix: Perhaps.
Mo Pie: Didi looks great, although she seems to be wearing an Olympic gold medal
Weetabix: I'm bored by Didi's stage presence, but I do find her voice interesting. She does look awesome.
Mo Pie: I completely cosign that… her voice is definitely interesting and I hope she sticks around. She's one of the very few people that I actually care about hearing more from.
Weetabix: There's a level of desperation to her performance that I sense.
Mo Pie: Yes. YES. It’s like you're voicing the feelings of my inmost soul.
Weetabix: I don't think we have to worry about her leaving this week.
Mo Pie: No, not with people like Paige and those other randos. There’s Miley chomping on gum and looking bored…again. And the Olympic medal is a necklace! I thought it was a belt for a while.
Weetabix: I enjoy Didi's boots.
Mo Pie: Wow, Simon is being mean to her! I didn't think it was bad.
Weetabix: He is, but I'm ok with it. His job is to be mean.
Mo Pie: There were so many more worse performances tonight, seriously.
Weetabix: True story.
Mo Pie: Maybe they're trying to get the sympathy vote.

Siobhan MAGNUS, “Superstition”

Weetabix: Woo!
Mo Pie: Siobhan and her mohawk mullet! “Superstition”! a good song!
Weetabix: Siobhan is wearing acid washed jeans. And I do like this song! A lot!
Mo Pie: Siobhan is such a little nerd, it's so cute.
Weetabix: I hope she screams again this week. I feel like I'm being manipulated with her nerddom, though
Mo Pie: She's totally the girl who takes off her glasses and puts on some lipgloss and gets the guy at the end of "She's All That.”
Weetabix: The nerdiness is like it's part of the narrative
Mo Pie: Yeah, well, there's not a whole lot else going on this season, so I'll get on board.
Weetabix: This is absolutely true. We're grabbing at crumbs, though. COMPELLING STORY? No? Oh, then, this fakey fake out with the nerd glasses will be cool.
Mo Pie: At least she's comfortable onstage, and doesn't suck as a singer. Sadly, this season, that makes her top three material. I also do hate the hair very much.
Weetabix: She's got an Edward Gorey tattoo, I think the nerd thing is just a put on. The hair is something else.
Mo Pie: Whatever that hair's narrative is, I want nothing to do with it.
Weetabix: Oooh, a scream! I like the scream! Girls don't do unpretty screams very often. I approve.
Mo Pie: True, it's an unpretty scream. Good call.

Predictions and Results

Mo Pie: Okay, I have nothing more to say about Siobhan, I like her! Predictions?
Weetabix: Sadly, Paige or one of the Wonder Bread boys… or maybe Mr. Garcia.
Mo Pie: Yeah, I mean, probably Paige. Or Mr. Garcia, that's my runner up choice. Should we go look?
Weetabix: Do the honors.
Mo Pie: Katie, Tim. and Paige in the bottom…
Weetabix: and?!?!
Mo Pie: Paige is gone.
Weetabix: Yeah, well, not surprised.
Mo Pie: Nope. I think I had her at 11th, so I'm doing well in the pool!
Weetabix: Bummer because I liked her, but so goes the fickle hand of America.
Mo Pie: Well, also, the fickle hand of she really sucked.
Weetabix: I'll update the pool scores in the morning!
Mo Pie: Excellent! I'll upload this entry tonight if I can.
Weetabix: Ok, I'm going to bed!
Mo Pie: Have a good trip! Love you!
Weetabix: Love you too!
Mo Pie: Weetapidol out!


Blogger Kim said...

Ok. Mike just gives me the heebie-jeebies. I don't know why, he just squicks me out.

Why was Didi channeling Linda Richman?

Aaron may be this season's sleeper.

I thought Crystal doing Janis would be awesome. I was underwhelmed.

10:26 AM  

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