Tuesday, April 04, 2006

Top 9 Perform, Y'All

And here we are again, prepared to be tortured by country music. We have extra wine. Including Evolution, which disappeared from California a while back but was magically discovered last weekend in Milwaukee. Viva La Evolucion!

We just watched part of something that Weetabix TiVoed ("Idol Extra") which confirmed that in fact it was Debbie Gibson and Kristy Swanson in the audience. Weetabix has been vindicated. Also amidst the filler, they did have an interview with the contestants' vocal coach and that's kind of interesting.

W: "Seacrest is growing out a beard. I thought that was Teri Hatcher."
P: "Great, we've peaked."
W: "For country night, I bet Chris does the White Stripes version of Jolene."
P: "Kenny Rogers looks... weird."
W: "I think the Queer Eye guys got at Kenny Rogers. I'm afraid of this new Kenny Rogers. And if Kenny Rogers has a flavor saver tomorrow, I will kill myself."

Taylor, "Take Me Home Country Roads"
P: "This is actually the most I've ever liked Taylor."
W: "He's not doing bad. He's containing the claw. "
P: "Aww, the claw. I miss the claw."
W: "You know, Taylor might actually benefit from a goatee. He should borrow Kenny's."
P: "He's not actually hitting the notes, though."
W: "Yeah, when he sings 'West Virginia' it's like Bobby Brady all over again!"
P: "Do you mean... Peter Brady?"
W: "Oh. Yeah. Good wine!"
P: "Oh my god, Taylor's grandfather looks younger than he does!"
W: "I think that's his grandchild. And Randy is dressed like an extra from Gunsmoke. Stripes, paisley, plaid, and a couple of charm bracelets. Yeah, that says country."

Pie: I will give him a 6.
Weet: I'm not that optimistic about tonight, so I'm giving him a 5.

Mandisa, "Any Man Of Mine"
W: "I love these high production values. Ryan is clearly not in control of this situation."
P: "That sign says 'Chicks Love Hicks.' Oh, Taylor Hicks. I seriously thought they were talking about Bucky and Kellie."
Ryan: What are you guys sipping tonight?
W: "Well, Ryan, we are sipping Evolution. Wait, they have to sing Kenny Rogers country? I thought it was just country."
P: "I love Mandisa's top again."
W: "Love her top. And look, she paid attention, she got pointies! Mandisa's a reader!"
P: "I love that she's willing to wear horizontal stripes, man."
W: "But I have to say in this case, perhaps she shouldn't. She looks like a triangle. But I do love that she's totally willing to go out there and wear a halter."
P: "Yay Mandisa!"
W: "She rocked it. She somehow made it not country and made me not hate it. RACHEL BILSON! Summer from The O.C.! I love how they went from D-listers to B-listers."
P: "Randy has no room to criticize anyone on anything when he's wearing that."
W: "He actually looks like one of those color blind tests they give at the DMV. No, I take that back. I'm going back to bartender on Gunsmoke."
P: "It's... something."
W: "Mandisa's touching Randy's leg. Does she know about his secret? That's not bigger than God?"
P: "Thank god we are liveblogging this, or nobody would ever believe we made that joke first."
W: "Seacrest out."

Pie: 7
Weet: 6

Elliot, "If Tomorrow Never Comes "?
P: "Kenny Rogers hates Elliot. I hate what Elliot's wearing around his neck.
W: "They're not telling us what the songs are."
P: "Oh my god, I see the bat thing, all of a sudden! I think it's the ears."
W: "It's the ears and the freaky teeth."
P: "The song's over. That didn't register at all with me."
W: "Apparently it's Garth Brooks. My knowledge of country is limited to whatever people sing in karaoke bars."
Paula: You just have that... careless...
W: "Whisper? Do guilty feet have no rhythm?"
P: "Paula is flapping her arms like a bat. I think the judges are in our heads."
W: "I think that the cuteness of Paula's hair is inversely proportional to how high she is. Her hair looks great."

Pie: 5, because I really don't know.
Weet: 6, just because Garth Brooks is vaguely hot, despite the country thing.

Paris, "How Do I Live?"
W: "I would like to point out that my mother had that exact outfit in 1981. Including the hairstyle."
[Debate about Paris's hair. Pie thinks she cut it, Weet thinks last week's was a wig.]
W: "Anybody who can't sing Faith Hill is broken. Even Faith Hill can sing Faith Hill."
P: "I like this song. But I don't like what key she's singing it in."
W: "It's like it's straining her voice to sing this low."
P: "Plus, she stole Katharine's stableboy outfit from last week."
W: "She looks like an extra from Prince Valiant. I think the wardrobe department needs some stalls to be mucked out."
P: "She doesn't sound good."
W: "Last week they told her she sounded 'too young.' I guess now she's trying to sound like a 55-year-old barfly who's been smoking two packs of Marlboros a day since the Truman administration."

Pie: I'm gonna give her a 4, I didn't like it.
Weet: I'll match that 4. In poker they would call that Sailboats.

Ace, "I'm Going To Cry"
W: "Ace is like, 'Okay Kenny, I need a song with a lot of nouns so that I have something to do while I'm on the stage. Points for teeth, eyes, mouth, hair... and maybe nipple.'"
P: "I'm ashamed to find him so pretty."
W: "He's going to do trails of tears, I bet."
P: "Ooooh. That was not a good note."
W: "This is like the country version of 'Wind Beneath My Wings.'"
P: "Another unfortunate note."
W: "Oh Ace. You look so pretty and you sound so bad."
P: "Ace is in trouble."
W: "Do you think his name is really Ace? I bet it's Chad. Or Jeff."

Pie: 3
Weet: 5

W: "'Pickler live' next. What number to I call to vote for Pickler dead? Or... maybe in a coma."

Kellie, "Fancy"
W: "Wow, they're asking her about sal-mon. They read Vote for the Worst."
Ryan: So this is the real you right here?
P: "Um, the real her has some fake tits."
W: "Reba? Oh my god, every fucking drunken karaoke bitch does that song."
P: "Yeah, she's not going anywhere."
W & P: "And she's getting the Chris lights! CHRIS LIGHTS!"
W: "Ladies and gentlemen, the tide has turned! This is the moment! The studio execs have picked Pickler. I bet Chris is backstage going, 'Goddamn bitch.'"
P: "That was good though."
W: "I can't wait until next week when it's opera and Kellie's all, 'Whut's opruh?'"

Pie: 7.5. Sorry.
Weet: I agree with Simon, but on principle, I'm giving her a 2. Had it been Katharine, she would have been 10 with a bullet. But right now I'd like to take that bullet and do something else with it.

Chris, "No Idea Because They're Not Putting Them On Screen"
P: "I don't know this song Chris is singing."
W: "I'm sure Nine Inch Nails covered it."
P: "When he doesn't have the lights flashing on him, it kind of looks like he has cotton balls in his cheeks."
W: "He's hot, I don't care. He kind of keeps my interest with the way he keeps changing his facial hair. It intrigues me."
P: "He's good."
W: "He's doing a good job. I can't wait until they make a movie about Chris and Vin Diesel plays him. Doing the final two shirtless."
P: "He's got waxed eyebrows."
W: "Those are very groomed! Those are some groomed eyebrows. I'm not opposed to manscaping."

Weet: That didn't sound country but I totally bought that he was doing country. An 8.
Pie: A 7.

Katharine, "Bringing Out The Elvis"
W: "Better outfit tonight. Good hair. Cute jeans."
P: "I'm annoyed that they're not telling us the songs. I'm putting random lyric snippets in the title."
W: "I think there are secret messages written on Katharine's jeans."
P: "She's cute. People, like, hate her. I don't understand why."
W: "Because she's perfect. She does seem to know that she's very perfect. I think that's what it is."
P: "But she's so cute!"
W: "Plus, she's very good. That was fantastic."
P: "And she just called out Simon successfully. It's not her fault he doesn't like country."

Weet: 8.5
Pie: Uh, 7.5. Tied with Kellie. (Weet: "Whatever. Get out of this house.")

Bucky, "Sol You Seldom Wahy "
P: "Nobody ever gets eliminated in the pimp spot at the end of the show. He's not going anywhere."
W: "Are you sure? Because this sucks."
P: "I can't even make out any lyrics to make up a title for this song."
W: "Finish your wine so you can try this one, because I don't really like it."
P: "But I'm drinking Evolution, and it's so good."
W: "This one's from Spain, and the wine store said it would be a $30 or $40 bottle if it was from California or Australia."
[Pie downs her wine. Weet pours new wine.]
P: "It tastes like butter feet."
W: "Butter feet? Alright. We'll pour it out."
P: "Wait, Bucky's done! We haven't said anything about Bucky!"
W: "I think that's commentary enough."

Pie: I guess 3?
Weet: My score will be mrrph muuh phh.
Pie: Which is what?
Weet: 3. Wait, what did I give Pickler? A 2? Alright. I will give him a 1.5.

Katharine: 16
Chris: 15
Mandisa: 13
Taylor & Elliot: 11
Kellie: 9.5
Paris & Ace: 8
Bucky: 4.5

Pie: "I really have no idea who's going home. Except it's not going to be Kellie."
Weet: "It's not going to be Pickler and it's not going to be Chris."
Pie: "It very well might be Ace."

Thank you and goodnight! See you tomorrow when Kenny teaches us about counting our money while we're sittin' at the table.


Anonymous Martha said...

What a lame show tonight.

I REALLY hope Bucky goes.

I REALLY hope Katharine doesn't.

I think it will probably be Ace and then we'll have no eye-candy. Damn.

7:02 PM  
Anonymous Celine said...

I think the most entertaining part of tonight was the sexual tension between Ryan and Simon. What was that all about?

There were only a few good performances. I liked Katharine, Chris and Elliott.

I will say that Kellie wasn't the worst, but she was the dumbest.

Over all I give it a meh and a half.

7:31 PM  
Blogger Weetablog said...

I don't want to interfere with the sanctity of the live blog by editing to correct an error, but Trisha Yearwood and/or Leann Rimes sang "How Do I Live", not Faith Hill. But Faith Hill still can't sing worth a damn.

8:03 PM  
Blogger Kim said...

Chris sang "Making Memories Of Us" by Keith Urban, who is a crossover artist, pretty much. I thought he did well.

Bucky sang Gary Allan's version of "Best I Ever Had". Although I hate Bucky, he did not continue to cause my very soul to bleed.

Kellie. The music people love her. She managed to sing a song about being a whore without actually referencing said occupation.

4:27 AM  
Anonymous michael said...

Bucky or Ace should definitely be leaving this week. Ace just sucked. Bucky sucked even harder if that's possible; and completely butchered the song. And am I wrong or was that not a country song originally?

6:32 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Taylor really sucked to open the show, Man-deva was just lame. Ace was awful and really boring, but Katharine annoyed me most by prancing about bouncing her ass and tits to a beat (and looking at us as if to say "look at me bouncing my ass and tits together") all the while grinning and trying to sell us a shit song that really sucked even if she can carry a tune in a bucket. She really belongs in the bottom three again!! Ick, what a lame bitch.

2:12 PM  

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