Monday, May 29, 2006

Pool Results & Mailing List News

No, I didn't forget the Idol Pool! Our winner is Martha, with 130 points! Woo! Martha will get a fabulous prize as soon as we make one up. So Martha, e-mail your address to Weetapidol headquarters (weetapidol -at- and watch your mailbox! Overall standings along with the Katharine/Taylor breakdown are below.

I hope to see everybody back at Weetapidol next season. (Although I hope we can convince Abby and Mo to write a review of the Idol show when they go to it... what do you think, Weet?) If you would like to be notified when Weetapidol begins updating again, please click here. We promise not to harass you with too many e-mails.

Thanks for spending the season with us!

1. MARTHA, 130 points
2. Ana, 128 points (so close)
3. Trance, 124 points
4. Pie, 123 points
5. Celine, 122 points
6. Bailey, 120 points
7. Editrix, 119 points (and would have won if she hadn't joined a week late, so extra kudos to editrix)
8. Shmuel, 115 points
9. Weet, 109 points
10. My parakeets, 105 points
11. Merr, 95 points

13 points: Trance
12 points: Weet, Martha
11 points: Ana, Editrix
10 points: Celine
9 points: Pie, Bailey
8 points: Shmuel, Merr
4 points: Parakeets

12 points: Pie
11 points: Ana, Martha, Shmuel, Editrix, the parakeets
10 points: Bailey
9 points: Weet
8 points: Trance
3 points: Merr

Wednesday, May 24, 2006

Weetapidol Out

It's a big night here in Weetapidol headquarters. We have three special guests for tonight's finale: Abby (therefore the code will be in effect), Abby's mom (also known as Weet's sister, also known as Mo), and jen fu (also known as jen fu). We've spent the evening drinking mojitos and practicing our runway walks. (Abby's was the best.) We're ready for the Best, or at least Last, Weetapidol ever! Woo! Soul Patrol Soul Patrol!

Oh, also, shout out to our friends Joe and Peter from the Chronicle and its culture blog. San Francisco represent! Woo! Soul Patrol!

P: Some blonde chick is coming out.
Jen: It's Mariah Carey!
P: It's Carrie. I forgot about her.
Jen (seeing Taylor): Who the hell is that?
P: That's Taylor, one of the finalists.
W: And that's Kat, the other finalist.
P: Why are they dressed like revival preachers?
W: Maybe they're dead. Maybe this is heaven.
Jen: Heaven has awesome mojitos.
Abby: Chris! Chris!
W: Maybe this is my heaven. Maybe you should shield Abby's eyes, because in my heaven, Chris is about to do something with his rooster.
[All idols come out]
W: Mandisa should not be wearing white. Fat girls know that they don't wear all white.
Jen: Mandisa's backstage all, "[Kellie], I'm not wearing white!"
Abby: There's Elliott!
W: That's right. Because he looks like a bat. Wait, there's people wearing black coming out! Are they going to rumble?
Jen: When you're an American Idol, you're an American Idol all the way. What is the island with the midget?
W: Rhode?
Jen: Oh, fantasy island! De plane! De plane!

W: Are they going to take the glass elevator and walk across the bridge this time? I've been waiting all season!
Jen: I'm not sure I understand the significance of the elevator. Is it the rise to fame? Is it deep? This is all so new and exciting.
P: Ben Stiller is sitting in the front row this time.
W: Do you think it's a Ben Ryan thing?
Jen (singing): Secret Looooooovvvvers.
W: What will they call them? Byan? Ren?
Jen: Bryan.
W: Yes!
JenL So, do you actually have to idolize the idol? How does this work? I've never seen this before. Is this a religious thing?
Abby (witheringly): No.
P: Oh god, they're doing the recap.
Jen: What's with the noodly hair?
P: Who has noodly hair?
Jen: Everyone! I don't understand it!
Abby [dances].
P: Randy's got Dunkleman!
W: He's got a giant Dunkleman! He's trying to hide behind Dunkelman!
Jen: What did Paula Abdul do to her face?
W: Botox. She looks like she's melting.
Jen: Sandra Bullock, this is your future. And Simon makes me feel a little bit dirty.
[Simon montage]
Jen: Paula's like, "Oh wow, you're Simon Cowell?"
Abby: Mc'Leave Her! Leave Her!
P: What?
W: We don't know what you're talking about.
Abby: I said she's going to be voted off!
Mo: That's not what you said.
Abby: I meant that!
Jen: The only place you'd see this madness is in Birmingham, because there's nothing else to do there.
P: Did you just see the sign with Taylor spelled T-A-L-O-R?

Mo: They're all singing separately?
W: It's called "stretch it out"
Jen: FORMAL SHORTS! She's wearing formal shorts!
W: Who is that guy?
Jen: I think it's the future of Samuel Jackson
W: Is she really wearing a Hello Kitty necklace?
Abby: Yes!
W: Pendant. It's a kryptonite... pendant.
P: Hee.
W: That's Al Jureau.
Jen: And she's got the noodly hair. What's up with the noodly hair?
P: Racist.
Jen: Noodly hair encompasses all races and creeds!
P: I don't even know what song they're singing.

W: He's singing with Live!?
Jen: You're fucking kidding me!
P: Peeping.
Jen: You're peeping... freaking... peeping... I'm sorry! Wait, is Chris and that Live guy, are they twins?
Abby: They're both bald!
W: It's like we're in the matrix now.
P: I love this.
Jen: Who is who?
W: The Live guy is rocking it a little more.
Jen: That doesn't help me.
W: He's the one without the wallet chain. And the visible rooster action.
Jen: Oh my goodness.
W: Daughtry's like, "You're gonna walk out? I'm gonna walk out FARTHER!"
Jen: It's so sad seeing him next to who he wants to be, and what he will never achieve. The Live guy's knee action is much better. He's never gonna be a rock star, this American Idol guy.
W: It's a mirror image!
Jen: So creepy! it's freaking me out!
W: If only the Live guy had a wallet chain on the other hip.
Jen: Then I'd know I was having an acid flashback.

Pick Pickler
Abby: It's Pickler!
Jen: He's basically saying "Ha ha! She's stupid!"
W: Yeah, that was the joke all along. But she cultivated that.
Jen: "Hello, I am Wolfgang Puck. I have a line of canned soups."
W: He's an Iron Chef! Show some respect!
Jen (fake accent): "You can try some of my soups! They are canned!" Did she grow up under a rock? Was she chained under a cave?
W: What are you doing with that swizzle stick?
Jen: I'm spanking my breasts.
W: Buttons.
Jen: Buttons. He's forcing it into her mouth!
W: There are sites springing up devoted to this moment.
Jen: Fanfiction!
W: Wow, Wolfgang Puck in the audience looks like he's been slow roasted on a rotisserie.
Mo: Pickler is singing with Meat Loaf.
Jen: So Pickler really is retarded, right?
Mo: That is her idol? Meat Loaf?
Jen: She's like "I like Meat Loaf! It's tasty!"
P: You already understand Pickler.
W: Wait, Katharine is singing with Meat Loaf? We ARE having a collective acid flashback.
Jen: It's Meat Loaf. It's all the Meat Loaf. It's sparkly Meat Loaf.
W: Katharine is rocking that dress. Wow.
P: That is. An awesome. Dress.
W: And look at the shoes.
Jen: She's slammin'.
P: And look how disgusting Meat Loaf is. I really hope he doesn't touch her.
Jen: She touched him!
W: Ew! I bet he's got a swampy, humid atmosphere from all the sweat.
Jen: His pants are swampy now! This is the worst thing I've ever heard in my life. And it's a little creepy how old he's gotten.
W: It's creepy in a weird Phantom of the Opera way.
Jen: She looks a little traumatized.
P: He is gross.
Jen: It's all coming back to me now. He's like "Are you coming back to my hotel? You're coming back with me, now?" DAVID BOREANAZ! OH! AND HIS SON! I'm gonna cry a little bit!
Mo: I would never guess that was her idol. Meat Loaf?
W: I don't think it's her idol. It's whomever they can get.
Mo: The person in the top two, they're like, sorry, you're getting Meat Loaf.
W: It was Judy Garland, but you're not getting her, so....
Mo: Daughtry gets Live. You get Meat Loaf.

Golden Idols
Jen: Wait, did they really expect an Emmy for American Fucking Idol?
P: Peeping.
Jen: American Peeping Idol? Ryan Seacrest should not do comedy.
P: This is so sad.
Jen (sees Cierra Miller): Noodly hair!
P: Racist.
W: Didn't we get enough of the bad singers in the beginning?
P: This tan chick looks exactly like Ashlee Simpson.
Jen: See, "Outstanding Female Vocal," that was sarcasm. See what they did there?
[Male Vocal]
Jen: So Simon's shtick is that he's not very nice?
P: Yes. You have a good understanding.
Jen: See, I understand this American Idol stuff!
P: [hands Jen empty mojito glass] Make it go!
Jen: [hits Pie on the head with swizzle stick]
[David Hoover spazzes out.]
P: Who the heck is that in the flowy dress?
W: This is so creepy. I don't like this snarky American Idol.


Jen: Is that Parker Posey?
P: It's Parker Posey!
W: I didn't even figure it out until last week!
P: Weet was like, "Who is that random chick dancing with Jimmy Fallon?"
Jen: It's Parker Posey!
Mo: He's my boyfriend.

Puck & Pickler
Jen {fake accent): "I still have zee soup!" I really wish Pickler had cracked her head on the floor. And possibly died.
Pickler: Oh. My. God.
Jen: She doesn't actually end her words, does she? "Ooo.. maah... Goh...." That was just mean though. Who brings out a live lobster? Who brings out a live lobster to stupid people?

Man Medley
[Ace appears]
Jen: Oh he's hot, who's he?
P: Ace!
W: He cannot sing, sadly, but who cares.
Jen: Oh my god.
P: That's Chicken Little.
W: That's Kevin Covais.
Jen: It's like, puberty, meet manhood.
W: It's like the stages of man. Including the white trash stage.
Jen: I don't want them to take care of any of my business, quite frankly.
P: Aw, Bucky can kind of sing. Where did Ace go?
Mo: He's over there, with all the bad singers.
W: Ace is pointing! He's pointing!
P: He's so pretty.
Jen: Oh, Chicken Little does not need to be thrusting his crotch like that. This makes me sad. It's like high-tech karaoke, isn't it?
P: Yes. I kind of love this, though.
W: Where did we go from raunchy guy gyrations to Fleetwood Mac?
Jen: That gray-haired one is Jay Leno! Jay Peeping Leno! And they're all singing each other's parts under their breath. This is awesome.
W: If there was a calendar for American Idol, what month do you think Ace would be?
Jen: I wouldn't buy it.
W: Chicken Little would have some strategically placed foliage in October.
Jen: The leaves are changing, just like his voice!
Abby: Chris is rocking!!!

[Ford commercial]
W: Ew! Katharine and Taylor at the drive-in! They're laughing at the losers.
P: So this is a montage.
Jen: So these are the two finalists? She's got noodly hair! I'm not a racist. She's got noodly hair. She's got it rocking, except for the noodles.
W: They just gave them cars?
P: They did that last year too.
Jen: I bet they spent the whole last night going "Uh, where are the cars? When are the cars coming?"
P: I do not want to blog these montages.
[Elliott's mom]
Jen: Is this woman dying of some kind of disease?
W: No, she just looks like it.
Jen: She's like "my son put me in a car! I'm in a parade! It's so sad!"
W: Katharine's dad should be dehydrated from all the tears he's shed.
P: Elliot's mom is not dead!
Jen: She's going "you put me in the audience! It's so sad!"

P: Oh, I like this song!
Jen: Isn't it that Toad the Wet Sprocket song?
P: No, It's U2.
Mo: Everyone else gets an idol but him.
W: It would be pretty awesome if U2 came out.
P: Go Elliott!
Jen: It's... Aretha Franklin! It's... Beyonce!
Mo: It's Mary J. Blige.
Jen: I thought she was in prison. Did they give her a furlough?
P: I want those glasses.
Jen: I was gonna say! They are such Mopie glasses! They're obnoxious.
W: If you squint, it's almost like Bono.
Jen: She may have wanted to wear a shirt under that jacket. What's up with the suit jackets tonight? And I think one love is kind of limiting. I'd prefer all the loves.
W: I like midget love.
Jen: Gimp love, fat girl love... I want all the loves.
Mo: I'm not loving that shirt she's wearing.
W: Her boobs are cut out of it somehow.

[Pause for "peepin' awesome" pie]

Jen: Who's Carrie?
W: She won last year.
Jen: Are we supposed to idolize her? She's so famous she can't stand.
W: It's the weight of your fame. That's why she needs the elevator.
Jen: Isn't she doing Skechers commercials now? With her noodly hair?
W: How much of that hair do you think is really hers?
Abby: A lot.
Jen: I think everything past the headband is synthetic. And her lips are very very shiny. They're mesmerizing me. I almost think she doesn't suck.
W: I'd like to point out that her eyebrows don't match her hair.
Jen: Oh my god, do you think the drapes match the curtains?
W: No.
Jen: That's my dream, to find that out. The violin guy is so emo.
W: He's hating life because he has to back up Carrie Underwood.
Jen: He's thinking that french manicures are so not country.
P: She has Barbie hair.
Jen: Noodly Barbie hair.
W: She's Country Barbie!
Jen: She's Republican Barbie. She's One Love Barbie! Only one heterosexual love Barbie.
W: I vote Republican and I'm proud Barbie!
Jen: Violin guy's thinking, kill me. That's a great dress though.
W: Not as good as Katharine's Meat Loaf Bad Touching Dress. That was the best dress and shoe combo of the season.
Jen: She burned it after Meat Loaf touched it.

[Another peeping annoying montage]
P: Did Ryan just call that girl a.... hoor?
W: Yes.
Jen: A dirty hoor. This is scripted. They were all "okay, dress like a hoor. This is gonna be funny."
P: Sadly, it is not funny.
Jen: They tried, though.

Jen: Taylor Hicks? That's an unfortunate name.
W: No, not In The Ghetto! I hate In The Ghetto.
Jen: I hate his shiny suit. And I don't think he's from the ghetto.
W: Toni Braxton. It's Braxton-Hicks!
Jen: She's got the noodly hair.
W: Okay that's a wig, first of all.
Jen: It's a noodly wig.
W: She's doing that hand thing Cher used to do in the '70s.
P: Is it... the claw?
W: She's effecting a claw!
Jen: Does she think she's Tina Turner?
W: My god, if big wheel keeps on turning, I'll be so happy.
Jen: I bet Taylor's... wheel's... turning.
P: Misfire!
W: Was that my misfire?
P: No.
W: [to Jen] She loves joke misfires. She of course has no misfires.
Jen: By wheels, of course, I meant ROOSTER.
[Katharine comes out for Woman Montage]
W & Jen: NO!
Jen: This can't be real! And they're doing the walk of sexy.
Abby: There's Melissa!
P: Who the DMV is Melissa?
W: She's over there.
Jen: Mandisa doesn't look much smaller in black. And more formal shorts. I don't approve of formal shorts.
W: Paris is wearing her dominatrix outfit again.
Jen: That's a sweet outfit. I like the boots and the skirt.
P: Whose outfit?
W: Paris's.
Jen: I like Paris. I'd spend one night in Paris.
P: I love Mandisa. I miss Mandisa.
Jen: She's fucking awesome! Pooping awesome!
W: Peep.
Jen: Peeping awesome!
Jen: Was that a misfire?
P: No. Why is Paris wearing a dog collar?
W: I told you she was wearing her dominatrix outfit.
Jen: This really is a woman medley. They just did a Google search for "woman."
P: Who's the chick with the belly?
W: That's Melissa.
P: She's so happy to have another minute and a half on the stage.
Jen: I like Mandisa.
Abby: Mandisa's good at singing.

[More fake awards with sarcasm]
[Jen fu sees Cher impression and collapses with laughter and lands on the keyboard.]
Jen: What the hell is that?
P: Peep! I mean, DMV!
Jen: What the DMV is that?
Mo: They're letting this guy sing?
Abby: Why is he so good now?
P: He's... not.
Mo: Honey, he's not good.
W: Is that Clay?
[Much screaming and squealing from all.]
W: We have to watch this shit again.
P: Tom Cruise's Belief in Scientology....
Jen: This is the sweetest thing ever.
Jen: Aw, I have goosebumps!
P: This is the happiest moment of this guy's life and I love Clay's hair.
W: He's like, what the DMV is going on?
Mo: They totally turned off the other guy's mike.
P: We have to watch this again! This guy is so cute!
Jen: It's really adorable.
W: "Clay's so dreeeamy"
Abby: Rewind it!
Jen: That was so heartwarming! My heart is warm!
W: I just like the look on that guy's face. Even in reverse, it's fantastic.
[We rewind]

[Pie hands keyboard over to jen fu so as to be able to gaze adoringly at Clay.]
P: I love Clay! I'm like this guy! His microphone is one hundred percent off.
W: He's really singing a lot.
P: I love Clay! His sparkly eyes! He's not even singing the right words.
Mo: Ryan's talking to him, and it's not even going in the microphone.
P: This poor little retarded guy is so happy!
All: Awwwwwww!
P: Claaaaaaay!
Mo: You know, that guy doesn't look that different from Clay when he auditioned.
W: That has totally made my finale. They're trying to make up for the sarcasting thing by being heartwarming.

Abby: That's not Taylor Hicks.
Mo: It looks like him though.
W: That's Burt Bacharach!
Jen: He's a million! I had no idea he was a million. Or alive.
P: Anothrer great Katharine dress!
Jen: And noodly hair.
P: Racist.
Abby: Ace! What are you doing here? Get him off the stage!
P: But Abby, I love Ace! Not as much as Clay.
Jen: I don't think you love anyone as much as Clay. I don't think you love your fiance as much as Clay.
P: He doesn't read this blog, so... yeah.
Jen: Is that Florence Henderson?
W: No, it's Pick Pickler.
Jen (singing randomly): "What do you get when you fall in love? A case of herpes and a trip to the doctor..."
Mo: Bucky's got a good voice!
Jen: It's white trash time!
W: I don't like Bucky.
Jen: I don't like Bucky's hair.
P: Aren't you going to call it noodly?
Jen: It's more stringly than noodly.
P: I don't actually undertand noodly.
Jen: Aw, look at Mandisa! She's a hot tomato.
Mo: I like this song.
P: Go Mandisa! I miss Mandisa. And I want Clay to sing some more.
W: Maybe if you request that, it will happen.
[Debate over whether the jewelry is from Harry Winston or Claire's Accessories.]
Jen: I also like how all the dresses, you can't wear underwear with. Wait, is that Ryan Seacrest?
Abby: That's Elliott!
W: Who looks like a bat.
P: It's my last chance! [FTT FTT FTT FTT]
Jen: What the hell was that?
P: My bat impression.
Jen: Of what?
P: Of... a bat.

[Kevin begins singing]
Jen: Chicken Little has never seen a pussycat.
Jen: Pickler's like "I like to go up and down!"
P: Oh my god, I want Ace and Chris to make out.
Jen: Chicken Little's like, "I'll hold the video camera."
P: Pretty Ace.
Jen: They're all wearing pocket squares! That's precious!
W: That's the Dunkleman!
[We all begin spontaneously singing along when we hear "Close To You"]
W: There's nothing better than a Burt Bacharach medley.
P: That's possibly true.
Jen: That's really true.
[Dionne Warwick]
W: I thought she was dead!
Jen: They pried her out of her coffin for this.
W: She's wearing her coffin garb.
Jen: I didn't know they had proms in the DMV.
P: She's not necessarily going to the DMV.
Jen: It's true. She could be up there with Elvis. And Mozart. And Kurt Cobain.
W: What a crazy-ass sountrack that would be.

[Pie, Weet, and Jen SQUEE when we hear "That's What Friends Are For"]
W: We are retarded.
Jen: I have goosebumps.
[Singalong commences. It involves hand gestures and embracing.]]
Abby: [rolls her eyes]
W: [raises glass] To Burt Bacharach!
Jen & Pie: [raise glasses] to Burt!
W: We don't believe the rumors about you and Ernie!

W: I don't need results. It could end right there, with "That's What Friends Are For."
[Ace and Chris hug in slow motion. Pie demands rewinding.]
Jen: There was definite crotch bumping there. Rooster pecking.
P: That was hot.
Jen: Aren't Brokeback jokes over?
P: SO over. But if Chris and Ace make out as a result, I don't care.
Jen: BrokeNOTE Mountain. That's comedy.
W: I just can't quit you, Ryan Seacrest.

[Cowboy medley]
Jen: I can't believe they're desecrating cowboy hats like this.
[Esteban comes home]
[Madness ensues]
[Lots of people yell "PIE!"]
Jen: I'm pressing my boob against your arm.
P: Yay!
Jen: You're putting that on the internet.
W: It's the big moment!
P: Taylor's gonna win.
Jen: Already?
P: I kind of forgot that there were going to be results.
Jen: I don't want it to end! I never want it to end!
[Prince appears, and there is much screaming, even more than for Clay.]
Jen: HOLY... What am I supposed to say?
P: Tom Cruise's belief in Scientology.
Abby: It would be cool if he did Kiss!
W: That would be cool!
P: This is the best television program in the history of the world.
W: This is the best finale ever!
Jen: I want to be so famous that I get hula girls.
[Jen waves her arms. Jen and Abby clap maniacally.]
W: Those doors keep opening and better people keep coming out!
Jen: Next it will be Jesus!

[Jen fu bounces and claps and does the robot.]
Esteban: It's like a couch orgasm over there.
[Jen and Weet sing randomly]
P: I have no idea what's going on.

[Time of my life]
Jen: This is a very meaningful song, because it is the time of his life.
P: Another great dress.
Jen: Nobody puts her in the corner! Whoever she is.
W: He's Taylorizing this song.
[Singalong. Dancing. Jen fu and Weet begin humping.* Jen fu runs towards Weetabix who attempts to lift her up.]
Pie [in the line of fire]: DEAR GOD NO!
W: The only part of this routine I remember is when she peeps it up and does the thumb thing.
[Abby joins the bizarre dance.]
[Jen fu flings herself across the chaise.]
[Pie lacks the words to describe this in any way.]

P: Katharine looked like she already knew!
Mo: She stepped away.
P: That was very anticlimactic.
Mo: Yes exactly.
P: I think they knew it would be totally besides the point after that.
Jen: Paula's like, "I'm okay! I haven't made a drug overdose!"
[We rewind and it is very obvious that she already knew.]
Jen: Is America ready for a salt and pepper hero?
Esteban: I beg your pardon? [rubs his salt and pepper goatee]
W: I find salt and pepper sexy.
Jen: But does America find it sexy?
Esteban: Hell yeah! You should see what happens when I'm on the road?
Abby: HAAAA!
W: You don't even know why that's funny.
Esteban: [Cartman voice] PIE!
Abby: PIE!
Jen: Get your... Pickler buttons in the kitchen and make me some pie!
P: Aw,. I love Taylor. I'm happy. He does make me proud. I love the people with the upside down sign.
Jen: Well, it's Birmingham.
P: Racist!
Jen: Paula's like, "I like sparkly things! Shiny explosions!"
P: That's her "you're my friend!" clap.
Jen: It's a bad sign when the American Idol can't upstage the fireworks. It's a bad sign for him.
[Ace and Bucky rush Taylor]
Jen: They're like, "quick, rub the fame off him! Give us some of that!"
P: That was awesome. That was the best show ever. Clay was there.
Jen: That's all you care about. Your real fiance.

[We devolve into a lot of drunk squealing and wrestling around on the floor.]
[A few minutes later, we realize that we were so distracted by our commentary that we actually somehow missed the reveal and David Hasselhoff in the audience crying because Taylor won. We are somehow technically stupid. Our last Weetapidol ever and we peeped it all up. Ah well.]
[Weetapidol out]

*(Edited by Weet: we were NOT humping. It was very tasteful DANCING. Artistic dancing, even.)

Tuesday, May 23, 2006

Final Two: The Claw Versus McBeaver!

Weetapidol will begin semi-live blogging shortly. Ms. Pie has experienced delays at O'Hare, but be assured that she is on the ground and rushing to Casa Bix as quickly as she can. The wine is chilling, the food is waiting and the excitement is palpable.

P: Oooh, mood lighting for Mr. Ryan Seacrest! Oh look at them with their little tricks. I want to go to the show. I know that I'd be one of those lameass people with their "I love Chris and his wallet chain" signs but I think it would be really fun to be there.
W: Oh Chris.
P: I feel like neither of these people deserves to win. Because Chris deserves to win.
W: Chris should be here, damn it.
P: Oh my god, Ben Stiller is there. They didn't caption him, just showed him. He's probably there stealthily. Like "I'm Ben Stiller... it turns out that i'm not cool at all!" Oh, Taylor's wearing a velvet blazer.
W: Chauffi just read that and screamed.
P: Why does Ryan... have two microphones?
W: Bwahahaha!
P: It's supposed to be two turntables, one microphone.

(flashbacks begin)
P: I guess I'm sort of rooting for Taylor. I would be excited if he won. Oh, they showed poor Ruben, the red-headed stepchild of AI winners
W: What about Carrie Underwood.
P: Well, I think she's Blandy mcBlanderson. I forgot about her. She's such a blank spot in my mind.
W: Why the Journey? Why?
P: They're trying to make you happy. They read Weetapidol. Thank you Producers for Journey!
W: Bring back Chris!
P: Tomorrow all of the finalists will be on. Hold on to that FeeeeEEEEEEEELING!
W: (types)
P: You can't blog that. That was a noise. You can't blog my crazy noise. Publish!
w: Published. Oooh, a Pirates trailer!
P: Ooooh! Shadows searching in the NIIIIIIIIIGHT!!!

P: I hope there's some homoeroticism in this trailer.
W: There's a guy with squids on his face.
P: Squids?
W: See?
P: Euuuw!
W: Squids!
P: I don't want squids! I want Johnny Depp and Orlando Bloom to make out. I bet they know what we want, like with Snakes on a Plane, how they needed more snakes? They should have more homoerotic overtones between Johnny Depp and Orlando Bloom.

Ryan: Chris Daughtry!
P: Everyone's there! Pick Pickler! But they pull Chris out of the audience because he could like be right there.

P: Oh this is good, I liked this one. Oh, she's got the ethnic men.
W: She's standing this time. That's weird. I don't like her shirt... belly.
P: But she's so pretty, I'll bet her belly is equally pretty. I like her shoes.
W: Her shoes are good.
P: This is probably my favorite Kat performance. I wouldn't be upset if she won. I'm glad that she's not doing the Fantasia thing with Summertime, where like Fantasia had the fifteen performances of Summertime with the single tear running down her cheek, by then it just got old. Christina Applegate is one of Kat's friends and family?
W: Let's check (rewinds) Yeah, that's Christina Applegate.
P: Yo yo yo, you pretty dawg! Poor Randy, he's wearing those vertical stripes, but it's not really hiding anything.
Paula: A fun way to open up and celebrate why you are here tonight. America loves you. It was a fun opening but I know that there's more of you and better of you in songs to come.
P: She's sexualizing Katharine. You have a great opening! Take off your clothes.
W: What did she say? That didn't even make sense. Let's rewind.
(we do... it still is sort of crazy)
P: (singing the AI theme song) Doooo duh duh duh DOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Ryan: I walked by your dressing room tonight and ...
P: Aw... she's so pretty. I can't help but like her! Maybe it's wrong. I heard a rumor that she's not really a Scientologist though.
W: Where did you hear that?
P: I don't know. On the internet, where I heard the original Scientology rumor.
(Taylor comes on)

P: Oh MY GOD! That is a purple... wait.. pink... magenta! MAGENTA VELVET BLAZER. I'm just going to go home because MAGENTA BLAZER.
W: I think Taylor's revealing something about his secret self.
P: That's purple and magenta?
W: And has a claw.
P: I don't know that I get the gay vibe. I mean, I get the "I'm three hundred years old vibe and also sort of perky. " But I don't know. And my wine is broken. (walks to kitchen to open new bottle) Dooooo HOOOOOO!
W: You are singy tonight!
P: OOOOOOOHOOOOO! Well, I'm like two glasses of wine up on you! But I can't get this particular bottle of wine open. It's not working. Do you know that we have completely buried Pantscork?
W: I know... we have to reveal Pantscork again.
P: But the ice bucket is gone.
W: It's on top of the fridge.
P: Pantscork! Now we've almost filled this bucket.
W: I usually leave a few in there so that Pantscork is not alone, so that he can prop himself up and see out.
P: You're so good to our little Pantscork. This wine has typos on the label. (looks at the freeze frame of Taylor) I mean, magenta blazer! We are like those two fat chicks in the background.
W: Did you just call me fat?
P: I mean, look at them! They are totally us!
W: I am.... NOT... one of those chicks. That one is wearing flip flops. Dress flip flops. I am totally against flip flops.
P: I wear flip flops. Ok, fine, I'll be that one with the flip flops because I like that. You can be the other one.
W: I don't wear prints. Besides, we wouldn't be cheering at that rate for Taylor.
P: What do you mean... like we'd be over licking Daughtry?
W: I don't know... we'd be pointing at his magenta shit and laughing.
P: Hey, the typo wine is really buttery! I'm going to put it into the freezer so that it's cold.
W: Hold on, let me finish this other one so I can try it.
P: Wow, are you just going to.... you just drank like an entire glass in a millisecond.
W: I want to try the buttery wine. Not bad! Very smooth.
P: Right! Buttery! I have to say and you don't have to blog this that we are totally hotter than those fat chicks.
W: I'm blogging that, because it's the truth.
P: And our hair is better.
W: I have to say that I like flip flop girl's dress. Actually, I think I have it.
P: I like that they're actually standing while Tori Spelling can't get up off her lazy ass to cheer.
W: Because it's possible to be fit and also fat.
P: I'm going to stop talking so that we can unpause and actually finish watching the show.

(we unpause)
P: Again, I want to dance.
W: So dance.
P: I will! (does a snoopy dance) I turn into a spaz around Taylor.
W: You were doing a crazy little Cosby dance!
P: My prediction is that Paula's going to say "You're a star, Taylor!"
W: I kind of like Paula's outfit tonight.
P: Is that Taye Diggs?
W: Yeah.
P: Am I here right now? It's very surreal.
W: You might be drunk.

Paula: We match tonight, Taylor!
P: WHAT the hell? How does that?
W: WHAT?! That does not match!
P: Oh my god, how does that... I am wearing a halter with turquoise and stripes that are neither magenta nor a blazer and not a white shirt and jeans and we match! Oh my god. Paula has lost it. I think that in Paula's mind, she is wearing a magenta blazer.
Paula: WAY TO GO!
P: You're my friend! Pick Pickler's got a fake bake going on!
Simon: that is the worst jacket I've ever seen in my life!
W: Thank you Simon!
P: Oh, the whaooo whaa whaa music totally topped Simon!
W: How does she match?
P: They're both wearing.... clothes?

P: She is doing the Summertime shit! She's doing it! If she's sitting on the stage, then I'm totally giving my vote.... my non-vote... My Weetapidol endorsement to Taylor!
W: Ok.
P: Oh, Elliott! Remember Elliott?
W: Back when this was about talent?
P: I didn't see elliott in the audience. They just had to show us Chris, sort of a reiteration of What have You Done America!
W: Maybe he's still consoling his poor sweet mommy.

P: Right now, with some schtick is Katharine. Is she sitting? With a dramatic spotlight? Jesus.
W: Yes.
P: All right, I'll try to like it more.
W: She's got great lipstick.
P: Is she going to take the shit out of her ear? Yes she is.
W: That's her musical crutch.
P: That and her lip gloss.
W: You said that with such derision.
P: I felt derision. I respected her for not doing the Fantasia thing and then she pulled it again. I like her pearls.
W: Her pearl necklace?
P: Heh heh!
W: Heh heh!
P: I kind of like her better in this version though.
W: Yeah, I do too.
P: Look at her. Let me make love to the camera. She's going to fellate that microphone. That's how she got the pearl necklace in the first place. Oh, her dad is fucking crying again. Dude, you just lost Katharine's vote in my head. With the diamonds and the pearl necklace... she tries too hard. It's overkill.
W: So how do you really feel?
Randy: You worked it out. It was hot.
Paula (blathers)
P: "You're possessive of?" Paula's possessed!
W: who was that random hot guy?
P: I think the woman was recognizable.
W: She's just been botoxed out of recognition.
P: She can't wear the pearls and the diamonds and the triangle.... it's just too much.
W: Normally it's me railing against the fashion. This is a whole new reversal.
P: It's because you're typing.
W: You're right, but the rhinestones are too much. It's a mess.
P: Too much, Katharine McPhee! Too much! I'm excited to eat our unpie!
W: Posting!

P: Here's Taylor's Dad, who is 93 years old.
W: They're still alive?
P: Brad looks sort of dead-eyed.
W: I'm not impressed by this performance.
P: Here's my thing. Taylor's got big shoes, which makes me think he's got big feet, and that makes me think... he's got a big penis. And that makes me wonder... who's going to have sex with Taylor? With the Claw? He'll be all "Hey ya! Ow!"
W: **$$* Patrol!
P: **$$* Patrol! **$$* Patrol!
W: Hey! OW! **$$* Patrol!
(Both start singing Prince's "**$$* Control!" except changing the words and imitating Taylor. Then laughing. Then a lot of laughing. Then a few tears and more laughing.)

W: He ditched the blazer.
P: Thank god.
W: This was one of his three best songs?
P: Really?
W: I mean, if he's singing it during the finals?
P: Yeah, clearly, but.... yeah. Oh, he's still good. I'm still into Taylor.
W: You're just into his big feet.
P: I'm just staring at his crotch, waiting for something to spring out. You know, this is the first competition where they're so close in talent, there's no obvious frontrunner.
W: You think so? Because I thought it was close with Justin and Kelly?
P: Really? I didn't watch until season three.
W: No, I thought it was sort of shocking that Kelly won, since Justin was a favorite from so early on. Paula was crying right from the beginning.
P: Really? I had no idea.
W: I was a Justin fan.
P: I had no idea such things existed. I thought they were like the Yeti! Wait... are you going to try to blog that?
w: Yeah
P: ok, that's going to take awhile, I'm just going to be here drinking my wine. (pours wine, reads the label patiently)
W: Finding some more typos?
P: There are spaces instead of apostrophes.
W: Maybe they changed the font at the last minute.
P: It's kosher! For Passover! It's from Gallili!
W: Wow! I just bought it because it was on sale! Expensive wine for cheap wine price!
P: Gotta love it! Hey! There's Constantine! In a white blazer! They're never going to get rid of him ever! Wait, I have to rewind to see Constantine. Look at him! That cleft, his face looks like a giant penis head.
W: He's glowering. What was that? He's a facial penis?
P: Penis cleft! His face with the cleft looks like a penis cleft. Cleft penis. The word penis is funny when combined with the word cleft. Penis cleft. Cleft penis?
W: Ok.
P: It's like Kryptonite...pendant? That was my favorite from the last few weeks. Wait, there's Constantine again! Peeking through! He's... Constantine! (singing) Ahhhhh.... **$$* Patrol!

(back from commercial)
P: Pisha? Her name is Pisha? It sounds like a euphamism for **$$*! Baby, my **$$* is hot for you! Oh Pisha! Oh Vag! My Destiny? Oh this song is going to be terrible.
W: I like the dress.
P: Me too. I never noticed she had such broad shoulders though.
W: Yeah this song sucks. I like her hair though. (extends hand in Broadway musical gesture of extreme emotional outpouring)
Esteban (walks in from outside) Don't do that.
P: It's my hand gesture!
E: It's dorky.
W: Oh kids.
P: They're doing the hand thing again. Jesus. Yeah, maybe that dress isn't clinging as well as it could.
W: Yeah, that's unfortunate.
P: Yeah, let's cut to your crying dad again as per usual.
W: You are so anti-McBeaver and so **$$* Patrol!
P: No, I'm pro McBeaver. I still think she's hot. And she has great shoes. I just wish her dress was a different color.
W: The Chris lights have exploded and are out of control.
P: She's got a great ass, have I mentioned that?
W: That's an off note.
P: Yeah, but it's the first off note I've noticed tonight.
W: Except for that one.
P: Ow! Ow! Oh that note, not so good! She's no Kelly Clarkson.
W: No one is.
P: (laughing) Apparently Justin comes close.
W: I can be wrong. You only have to look at the Idol pool to know that.
P: She totally cut off that last note. She's not doing that well. She just stopped singing that note entirely. I hope the judges call her on th--that really is Tori Spelling! And there's the fat chick in the background who's supposed to be me...she's being annoying.
W: I knew it! I recognized that bad nose job anywhere.
P: I recognized her from a freeze frame?
Randy: That song was not good.
P: He's like "You know, Tamrya writes some bad songs, and that was really not good."
W: That was not a happy trio of judges.
P: No, that's because it wasn't that good. Those people would scream for anything. Do you want chlamydia? WOOOOOO! OOOOOH! YEAHHHHH!

P: Brad Hicks... Taylor's Dad... Civil War Veteran!
W: Haaa!
Brad Hicks: Something told me that it would not be the last time this boy was singing.
W: Stop listening to voices Brad.
P: Taylor's staggering out like a drunk. Maybe that's why he and Paula match.
W: Maybe he's straddling his gigantic penis.
P: Oooh, that was not a good note. Oooh ow. Not a good one either. He hit some bum notes. Simon and Paula were hitting each other and it wasn't for the cameras. Did you see that?
W: No, rewind. Oh my god! They are!
P: These gospel singers are like "oh, all right."
W: "Clap and look Southern!"
P: See, Taylor has the strong finish.
W: It's still not a good song.
P: No, it's still a Tamyra song. The AI singles are always crappy Tamyra songs. She just craps them out. Taylor's going to win and he knows it. I know it.
W: Probably.
P: **$$* Patrol!
Taylor: Soul Patrol! Soul Patrol! Soul Patrol!
W: (burst into laughter)
Randy (endorses Taylor)
P: He just totally picked Taylor.
Paula: Beezle... trumpet! You are my beezle trumpet, Taylor!
Simon: You just won!
P: Paula's like 'no, we have to love them equally!"
Taylor: Soul Patrol!
P: Oh my god, Constantine just made the biggest penis face ever!
W: You know my problem with Katharine? Her voice is almost too polished. It's not really unique.
P: You know... that's it. It's kind of like Fantasia was so polarizing... even though Diana had a good voice, she wasn't unique, which is why is was sort of shocking when Fantasia won it. Taylor does have a unique voice while Katharine really doesn't. I don't know, did Justin have a unique voice?
W: I don't know.
P: Well, you were a Guarini fan.
W: I wasn't. I'm just saying that in the beginning, he was a stand out while Kelly wasn't.
P: Whatever, Guarini fan. What was the fan equivalent.. like the McPheevers and Claymates?
W: Guar---weiners?
P: Were you a Guarweiner?
W: No, I was not a Guarweiner. I didn't have downloads of his songs, like you with the Clay Aiken thing.
P: Whatever, Guarweiner.
W: Claymate.

Our prediction:
Pie: Taylor. I think Taylor will win and probably should win and Weet put the nail on the head when she said that he's more unique.
W: Yeah, it's going to be Taylor. **$$* Patrol!
P: Chris Daughtry should have won.
W: No doubt.
P: No fricking doubt.

Wednesday, May 17, 2006

Taylor Is Definitely Staying, That's All I Know

Here it is, the final lamination. Either Elliott or Katharine (probably Elliott) is going home. Who will it be? WHAT HAVE YOU DONE, AMERICA?!

P: "Ace! Ace and Pick Pickler!"
W: "I know, Ryan, that there are surprising heterosexual unions out there."
P: "Ryan is a douche."
W: "Taylor and Elliot are like 'I don't wanna be the Clay! You be the Clay!' I just can't get over the fact that Randy used to be in Journey."
P: "That can't be true."
W: "No, I've seen a picture. He had Kid n'Play hair."
P: "I'm typing a little slowly. I'm the drunk one tonight."
W: "I wasn't as drunk as you thought last night."
P: "Yeah right."
P: "I still don't think Katharine was all that."
W: "No. I've heard cows make that sound."
P: "Katharine's babysitting blues! That was my favorite."
W: "Who was Dial Idol saying this morning?"
P: "Elliott. But it was basically a tie."
W: "Chauffi is predicting a true upset, that it will be Taylor. Chauffi does not watch the show. He reads Weetapidol."
P: "I think the editing suggests a Katharine elimination, for some reason."
W: "Really? Beguiling."
[For some reason, 'beguiling' cracks us up.]

[Ford commercial]
W: "Oh my god, they aged them. Taylor doesn't look any different."
P: "Neither does Elliott."
W: "It looks like we're getting a glimpse into the future."
P: "Katharine looks like my hot grandmother."
W: "The way that she moves that butt, it's gotta be padding. Real ass doesn't move like that. And Taylor can't rap."
P: "This is actually just really creepy."
W: "I like when Katharine makes the dog sing. And yet again, they laugh like they've never seen themselves humiliated on television before."
P: [upon seeing Seacrest] "DOUCHE!!"

[Rebecca Romijn and Hugh Jackman clip]
W: "The poor man's Russell Crowe was there?"
P: "They're just there to promote their movie."
W: "Yeah."
P: "I totally just hate Ryan Seacrest all of a sudden."

[Taylor in Alabama]
W: "Oh my god, those are the saddest two local news personalities I've ever seen. No wonder he prematurely aged."
P: "He watched the news too much?"
W: "I don't know. I'm just saying, it was a sampling of his culture. Dude, he was Soul Patrol-ling the sun on the weather forecast. He did the poop stance on the weather forecast."
P: "Oh, Taylor. Least successful winner ever, that's my prediction. Well, maybe he'll beat Ruben."
W: "Isn't this the same town Ruben's from? Birmingham?"
P: "That means Elliott would have to be the Clay."
W: "Are you calling Elliott gay?"
P: "I'm really not."
W: "Oh Taylor, they give everyone the key to the city. It's not a real key. It doesn't open anything."
P: "Wow, Taylor is popular there."
W: "It's Alabama. They have nothing else to do."
P: "Hee."
W: "Wait, don't we have readers from Alabama? THANK YOU, ALABAMA! WE LOVE YOU!"
P: "Can you imagine being such a spaz, yet people love you for it? That's the American dream right there."
W: "I think I live that dream all the time on my diary. He's so skeevy, Taylor is."
P: "I think he's mildly developmentally disabled."
[Offensive yet hilarious Weetabix rejoinder censored]
[Taylor performs]
P: "Oh, Elliott and Katharine look like such dorks dancing around!"
W: "No matter how dorky they look, they'll never look as dorky as Taylor. It's like fat girl syndrome, only for dorkiness."
P: "You mean hanging around with someone who's fatter than you?"
W: "Yeah, that's what I'm saying. And Katharine's like 'now is the time on Sprockets when we spazz out.'"

[Katharine's visit to Hollywood]
P: "Sherman Oaks is where my friend Dan lives. Lived. Until he moved to Paris. Kevin and Bean! KROQ! Oh my god, Kevin and Bean! I love Kevin and Bean! And Notre Dame High School! That's where my cousin went. She was in the same graduating class as Kirstin Dunst."
W: "Wow."
P: "This whole 'so-and-so Day' thing is so meaningless."
W: "Yeah. And it's like she was just in this gymnasium cheerleading, like, two years ago."
P: "Aww, my cousin's graduating from college next month. That's totally irrelevant, but I have to miss it and I'm sad."
W: "I'm not sure how I feel about Katharine's shirt tonight."
P: "It's kind of pillowcase-esque."
W: "Yeah, it's not a good cut."
P: "Um, why is Katharine being an asshole?"
W: "I don't know, but she kind of is. She's kind of being snotty."
P: "It kind of makes me want her to be laminated."
W: "They're doing the songs from the CD that's being released this week."
P: "That's smart from a marketing standpoint."
W: "She's taking off her shoes. I don't want her feet! I don't want her McPheet! And she's totally wearing Mom jeans. It makes her ass look enormous."
P: "I didn't see them."
W: "Well it's not pretty."
P: "I like her shirt, but, yeah."
W: "It's the jeans that don't have the seams around the pocket."
P: "At least they're not tapered."
W: "No, thank God."
P: "Why is she pointing? What's with the pointing?"
W: "I don't know, she's kind of assholey."
W: "Ryan fetched her shoes. Ryan has, I would like to reiterate, a foot fetish."

[Elliott's visit back home]
W: "Elliott looks like he's wearing Sephora eye brightener."
P: "Katharine looks dazed."
W: "They flew Elliott home in a private jet?"
P: "Wow, their newscasters dress really poorly. This is the most famous he will ever be."
W: "That's just sad."
P: "He's still more famous than I'll ever be."
W: "He's crying while walking into the pharmacy. You have long term fame ahead of you."
P: "I just made like forty-seven typos."
W: "Elliot would have made fifty-seven."
P: "You're so vaguely loyal with no basis at all."
W: "Katharine didn't get to meet the governor. Everyone else did, but Arnie wasn't interested."
[Some woman loses her shit over Elliott]
P: "Is she peeing in her pants?"
W: "Is Elliott wearing a caricature of himself on a T-shirt? Aw, his mommy is so proud."
W & P: "That is so sweet."
W: "She's the only one who seems to be so grateful for it. She's living in the minute, not expecting it to be more."
P: "Which is a good thing, since, again, this is the most famous Elliott will ever be."
W: "I know, it's sad. I really want Katharine to get eliminated. Elliott's crying right now! And Paula's having a meltdown. A fucking meltdown. A peeping meltdown."
P: "I've heard about this 'Moody's Mood For Love' performance, but I never saw it. by the way, this wine is awesome."
W: "I know. I love it. Fucking Mondavi."
P: "You'll just have to go back to northern California a lot."
W: "They ship. I don't know if it can ever be as magical as Chauffi and jen fu and my first experience in Napa. It was magical. I was magically drunk."
P: "There are so many gorgeous wineries up there. I totally miss wine country. And again, I think they're editing for a Katharine elimination."

[CD ad]
P: "Oh, Chris."
W: "Yeah, tout Kelly. 'Kelly... and then there's these other people.'"
P: "Is that Bo? Why does Bo look all girly?"
W: "Is Clive Davis gonna sing for us? He's got a Dunkleman."
P: "How did Clive Davis become... Clive Davis?"
W: "No gag reflex."
[Hysterical laughter.]
[We completely miss whatever Clive is saying, as we are still laughing.]

W: "Here you go, Clive Davis. We will give you this big meaningless picture."
P: "Diana and Justin got shafted. Everyone else is there, including Bo and Clay. Is Clive Davis, like ninety-seven years old?"
W: "I don't know. I think he's had three strokes since he's been on this stage."
P: "Are they going to mention Kelly's Grammys?"
W: "Are they going to mention that they don't own a piece of Kelly anymore?"
P: "It's so sad. They're trying to make Ruben sound good."
W: "They're up for the requirement."
P: "Nice callback. Clive 'wants to accept this award'? What award?"
W: "Paula went to Michael's, got a picture frame, stuck some foil in the back... it was an art project."

W: "Jesus."
P: "Holy shit."
W: "That's close."
P: "Wait, they're going to start with the bottom?"
W: "That's who's kicked out."
P: "Wow."
[Elliott's name comes up]
Ryan: Tonight the journey ends.
W: "Aww. Why did you say Journey?"
P: "That's sad."
W: "It is sad."
P: "We should have voted! That's the lesson here."
W: "We predicted it. It was those boots. Elliott should have worn the boots. And that little black dress."
P: "Go Dial Idol."

[Elliott's montage]
W: "Aren't we done with having bad days?"
P: "I think Ryan and Elliott are about to make out."
W: "That would be awesome."
P: "Yes, we have had a bad day."
W: "I hate bad days. What made him look better halfway was that he grew out his hair. And grew out his goat. Aww, he's so cute there! Aw, Bat Boy!"
P: "Now who the hell am I going to root for?"
W: "In the immortal words of Whitney Houston, I have nothing. Nothing. Nothing."

Idol pool update:
This week's winner is Martha with 11 points. 10 points for Ana. 9 points for my parakeets. 8 points for Bailey, Celine, and Trance. 6 points for Editrix, Shmuel, and Pie. 5 for Weet; 4 for Merr.

107 points: Martha
106 points: Ana
103 points: Trance
102 points: Pie
101 points: Celine, Bailey
97 points: Editrix
96 points: Shmuel
90 points: parakeets
88 points: Weet
84 points: Merr

Tuesday, May 16, 2006

Top 3 Perform

P: "There he is. Ryan and his Teri Hatcher... but no Chris."
W: "I don't think we should even BOTHER."
P: "Maybe the mojitos will help dull the pain of no Chris."
W: "I don't think so. Ryan's outfit is becoming increasingly formal."
P: "Next week he'll be wearing a tux."
W: "And tails, I hope. A mourning suit. That was his grandfather's. Hey, let's pause it for a second. Do you want another mojito?"
P: "Totally."
W: "I love how now that Chris is gone, we've resorted to hard liquor."

Ryan: You've got to vote, vote, vote!
W: "Oh go shave, Ryan. And not your balls."
Esteban [walking through the room]: "Are you... talking about ball shaving?"
W: "I'm sorry you had to hear that."

[Clive Davis montage]
P: "Ew, Clive is the one who unleashed Rod Stewart on us?"
W: "Didn't they call him a gargoyle last time?"
W: "I thought it was a Sith Lord."

Elliott, "Open Arms"
W [gasps loudly upon hearing the song]: "We have to shut the door so we can hear this."
P: "Was that a happy gasp?"
W: "Yes."
P: "Clive is, like, embalmed. Oh, this is gonna be good."
W: "OH MY GOD. You know, young Mr. Steve Perry? Also not a traditionally handsome guy. And yet he's probably responsible for half of the unwanted teen pregnancies in the nation. Look at the arm!"
P: "Are you... hot for Elliott now?"
W: "It's the song. He's still a bat. But, the music!"
P: "Oh, he's GOOD."
W: "This is an awesome song."
P: "Great choice, Clive."
W: "Good job, Clive."
P: "Wow."
W: "And the mullets of America have just united for Elliott. They weren't sure what to do after Bucky."

Pie: I thought it was good. I say 8.
Weet: I will say... 10.
Pie: Sucker.

Katharine, "I Believe I Can Fly
W: "Maybe Clive is like one of those animatronic guys in the Hall of Presidents. Look at Katharine's body language! It's like, YOU'RE SKEEVING ME OUT. And he's got a lot of makeup on."
P: "It's formaldehyde."
W: "It's a very fine sheen of wax."
[Katharine begins singing[
P: "Nice prom dress."
W: "That dress came off the sale dress at David's Bridal. Her eyes are fantastic though. They've really mastered the fake eyelash on Katherine."
P: "Her voice sounds pretty good, I think."
W: "It sounds a little rough, actually. It sounds like she's pushing for it."
P: "What's with the weird pointing?"
W: "It's her own personal take on the God hands. You know who would have been good on this song?"
P: "Who?"
W: "Mandisa. But then she'd preach."
P: "I do miss Mandisa."
W: "Oooh, I love her shoes."

Pie: I would say 7.
Weet: Yeah. I'm at 7. I have to agree with Randy.
Pie: She's getting mouthy. I like how Katharine's cracked the code. Like when Paula says she looks good, it's a criticism.

Taylor, Dancing In The Dark
P: "I don't know this song. Maybe I do."
W: "It was when you were born."
P: "Taylor looks completely unamused."
W: "Taylor doesn't give a shit. He's probably like, yeah, Katharine told me you tried some shit with her. You'd better not try that with me, old man."
P: "Taylor is 'up for the requirement'?
P: "Oh, of course I know this song."
W: "He's got a claw. Watch! And he's actually got some fake bake going."
P: "This is a good song for him. DID HE JUST DO A FINGER GUN?"
[Hysterical laughter]
W: "That was awesome."
P: "At least we still have Taylor. And we'll always have Paris."
W: "That was horrible. That was up for the requirement."
[Taylor pulls Paula up]
W: "That's right. Always bring Paula into the craziness."
P: "And Paula's still dancing by herself!"
[More laughter]
P: "This is the best performance ever!"
[Paula drapes herself on Simon]
P: "And Paula's like a little drunk chihuahua."

Pie: I give him a 10.
Weet: I give him an 8, because Paula's dress didn't actually fall down. She would have just tucked them back in and been all, "Aw, Taylor." That would've been great.

Elliott, "What You Won't Do For Love"
[Something weird with a lap dance and camera guys and Simon covering Ryan's mouth.]
P: "What the hell is going on here? Who's choosing this song? The mayor of Virginia?"
W: "What the hell!?"
P: "Now this song, I don't know. I'm really confused."
W: "I wonder if Simon's drunk."
P: "I like how Ryan has to ask the question twice, because Paula won't stop babbling."
[Elliott starts singing]
P: "Oh I do know this song. I'm rooting for Elliott now, did I mention that?"
W: "Yeah, I'm right there with you."
P: "An Elliott/Taylor finale would be fun."
W: "I have a feeling Katharine's time is up. A week ago. You know the great thing about mojitos is? If you eat the mint, you won't have alcohol breath."
P: "And maybe if you drink enough of them, this show will make sense."
W: "Paula and Simon will make sense. Wow, Elliott's mom has to prompt his friend to clap. Clap for Elliott! Clap! Clap!"
P: "Paula has reached the apex of crazy."

Pie: 8
Weet: 7

Katharine, "Somewhere Over The Rainbow"
W: "Really?"
P: "That's an interesting choice. Wow, acapella? And she's sitting down, trying to get all Fantasia in Summertime."
W: "I think earlier in the competition she would have been better. Her voice is strained."
P: "I don't think she's really having a moment."
W: "No. I don't know if it's the arrangement, or what the deal is. I'm just not feeling it."
P: "I think she's trying too hard."
W: "Yeah."
P: "I really think that's what it is. She's trying to be all soulful and, like, LOVE ME."
W: "Well, the confused gay man that lives deep inside my brain would like to say: that was no Judy Garland. She's got great hair though."
P: "Randy's losing his shit, and I don't really get it."
W: "What? What, Paula?"
P: "Simon likes it because he picked the song. And it was not at all the best."
W: "It wasn't even the best one tonight. Which of course was Journey."

Pie: I'm gonna go with, like, a 6.
Weet: I'll go 7. Even though it wasn't as good as Elliott's, I think it was harder.
Pie: That's what she said.

Taylor, "You Are So Beautiful"
W: "He's doing Joe Cocker? That's just so easy."
P: "Taylor's an 'old soul'? He's an old guy!"
W: "It's very good for his voice."
P: "What is his face about?"
W: "He looks like he's going to start masturbating! It's the furtive eyes. 'I shouldn't be looking! I'm bad!'"
P: "THAT would be the best Idol performance ever."
W: "Yeah."
P: "His voice sounds good though. It's gonna be close tonight. They all deserve it."
W: "I hope he rocks the falsetto, at the end. Ace could---"
[Insane falsetto]
W: "Okay, that was not rocking it."
P: "He's doing the poop stance!"
W: "I was just thinking that."
P: "He's definitely feeling it."
W: "But at the end, he's supposed to go way up high. But he's afraid. Afraid of the falsetto."
P: "I like Randy's glasses."
W: "I do too, but I don't think Taylor looks like a star. He looks like a Vice Principal."

Weet: A strong 8.
Pie: I'll match your 8.
Weet: Snowmen!
Pie: Are you drunk?
Weet: Little bit.

[We discuss our podcast plans. Last week I was so drunk that I got cut out of it. And by "I" I mean Pie.]

Elliott, "I Believe To My Soul"
P: "Why does he always pick the obscure songs?"
W: "He likes Donny Hathaway. This is the Donny Hathaway version."
P: "This could get him eliminated."
W: "Yeah. This is exactly like every other song that he's done."
P: "And this doesn't really show off his voice. It's a little too low. Well I won't get too attached to Elliott, then."
W: "Bye, my little bat boy. I'm approving of his outfit, though. Strangely enough, I like the black and white combo."
P: "Even with the waiter connotations?"
W: "The pinstripes eliminate that. It's hard to see, but the pinstripes are there."
P: "Oh yeah."
W: "Yeah, he hurt his voice there."
P: "Simon's like, 'you're outta here.'"
W: "He's not gonna waste any words telling him how to improve. He knows he's gone."
P: "It was totally the song choice that did him in there."

Pie: 6
Weet: 7. I don't know. I should really give him a 6. But it wasn't worse than Katharine's, which I gave a 7 to.

[Hysterical love for Katharine's boots]

Katharine, "I Ain't Got Nothing But The Blues"
P: "Does she have the Babysitting Blues?"
W: "Look at her all sassy with the boots. The boots are going to take her into the finale. It's like Chris's glasses, but good."
P: "Boots and boobs. I personally keep looking at her boobs."
W: "Look how much better she is here, than Somewhere Over The Rainbow! Which is one of my favorite songs. Said the gay man in my brain."
P: "She seems more comfortable or something. And she looks really smokin' hot. I think that song did it for her."
W: "She just got carried in. Definite. Definitely in. The finale."
P: "Drunkard."

Pie: I give her a 9.
Weet: I will totally give her a 9.

Taylor, "Try A Little Tenderness"
W: "Oh that's a good song."
P: "The claw!"
W: "He's going to spaz out by the big finish. That is my predict..shun."
[We laugh]
W: "Okay, maybe I'm a little drunk."
P: "I'm kind of digging it. Taylor entertains me. The finale would be a sad wasteland without Taylor. And he's spazzing out! Your prediction is coming true!"
W: "Of course it is!"
P: "The camera can't even follow him. And he's got the Chris lights. It's the Chris strobe light!"

Pie: A 9. He was totally up for the requirement right there.
Weet: I give him an 8 for saying Soul Patrol fifteen times at the end.

[Wow, this is a lot of math. Does anyone else want to do my math? I think Elliott's going to be eliminated. Weet says it's unfortuante, but she agrees that it's going to be Taylor and Katharine in the finale.]

Thursday, May 11, 2006

Chris News Flash

Well now this is interesting. I hope it's a good band, and that they put out an album instantaneously. If he says yes, of course.

Haiku for Chris

I realized this morning (I woke up thinking about Chris's elimination, I mean what's that about) that I've never been this bummed about someone getting voted off American Idol before. Last year I didn't really like anyone, and the year before that, my favorite contestant won. Now I know how all the Constantine fans felt last year. Constantine fans, tell me how you got through the pain! Was it through haiku?

Haiku for Chris

My iPod is sad.
It will miss your MP3s.
Fuck. This really sucks.

Wednesday, May 10, 2006

Top 4 Results of Tragedy

The Weety half of Weetapidol here, ready for what I fear will be a hyooge upset night. Who will fail? Who, America? Ryan beseeches you to live, god damn you, live! Sorry, we've had a gigantic bottle of Reisling Spatlese and a ton of carbs (Esteban made pasta, so I countered with high octane cherry pie), so we're a little punchy.

Pie: (asks from the bathroom) Ryan still looks like an undertaker?
Weet: Yeah, he's all in black.
P: Because Elvis is still dead.
W: Elvis has left the building.

W: Elliott makes porny faces when he sings.
P: He does and he's not attractive enough to get away with it.
W: It's too bad because I like Elliott.
P: I do too but...
Ryan: but it's not his decision, it's yours America.
P: Elliott's such an underdog in this competition. You said that last night, but it's true. He's so small next to the other guys. Oh my god, Paula's sitting in Simon's lap.
W: (guffaws) (yes, guffaws)
P: Now that we've introduced crust back into our lives, it's sort of sad that it's going to be gone. It turns out that unpie is just not as good as pie with a crust.
W: No, sadly not. I think the sugar helps a lot too.
P: What just happened there is that you typed it before you said it.
W: No, I was typing "with a crust" when I was saying it.
P: Oh, it sounded like you were reading it.
W: I'm sort of disturbed that my normal manner of speaking sounds like I'm reading from a teleprompter.
P: No, I think you're just sort of thinking as you were typing. Oh, they're doing a commercial!
W: Oh god. Elliott's lost control of his hose!
P: They all look unbearably stupid in this commercial and it just keeps getting worse.
W: Kermit?
P: That was just... embarassing.

(back from commercials)
P: Ryan's got a tie tack again. It's so sparkly. I just want to loosen his tie, it's just wrong.
W: Eeek.
P: Priscilla Presley is just so weird. She can't even move her face. What must it be like to have your entire life recollecting your life with this guy who is like, so bigger than life now that you just spend your time talking about mundane stuff. I don't know.
W: Isn't that what blogging is about?
P: Yeah, but that's our lives, not, you know, things that happened on the sofa of the Jungle Room forty years ago.
(Lisa Marie Presley comes on)
P: She always looks so stoned.
W: I know. Like, hung over.
P: Chris and his wallet chain. I would grab it and pull him right off the cart.
(Group sing)

W: Elliot's so good!
P: Pretty good!
W: Hi, I'm Katharine and I'm the token T&A.
P: Pardon me while I fling my ass into the camera. Actually, I kind of love them all. I love Taylor with the claw, I love Elliot. Clearly I love Chris and I kind of love Katharine and the T&A in the camera. It's kind of unfair to be able to sing that well and be so pretty.
W: God, I just had this weird Donnie and Marie flashback.
(Chris starts)
W: (gasps)
P: (fans self) Oh Chris.
W: (pants)
P: Oh TAYLOR! We have to rewind that (we rewind) He has the biggest douche face ever.
W: (laughs) Oh my god, "love me tender... I'm a douche"
P: We're going to alienate all the Taylor fans, but that was definitely a douchey face.
W: God, are they still singing?
P: Yup. Look at them! They're just having so much fun! Dance, little Taylor and Kat!
W: Chris is wearing the WC.
P: Yes he is. That was probably my favorite American Idol medley ever!

(back from commercials)

W: Jerry O'Connell... the luckiest former fat kid ever.
P: What kind of sexist bullshit is that? You've got to have your ring on, Rebecca Romijn, otherwise we can't tell whose property you are!
(Rebecca Romijn requests that Taylor sing Jailhouse Rock)
P: What the hell is this? Does this mean that he's in the bottom two?
W: I don't know.
P: I don't know either, but I'm going to dance anyway. Wait, I can because I'm not typing! (wiggles bottom) I'm going to dance with my BUTT!
W: It's like we have Abby again.
P: Heh, yeah!
P: Oh YEAH! Apparently you shouldn't give me sugar either. Wait, there's only 8 minutes left. They're just going to be like "Chris you're gone! Bye!"

(Ryan quickly splits them up, looking at Chris and Kat when he says "bottom two" and at Taylor and Elliott when he says "Top two")

P: Oh my god, he just totally gave that away.
W: I know!
P: There's only six minutes left! Well, at least I got to dance.

W: (during cough drop commercial) I'm sort of freaked out by talking heads like that. Well, not David Bryne.
P: (commercials for Big Momma's House) That looks great.
W: Great like great? Or Great like 'great, fat jokes for 102 minutes'?
P: That one.
W: What do you think about the Mondavi Botritys?
P: Not appreciably better than our fake Dolce.
W: Not twenty dollars better.
P: No, I agree.

P: Only two minutes! I don't think you have time for these mind games.
W: Ryan should not play poker. He totally gave that away.
P: This is sad. I don't know what to say. Dial Idol was right, though. Again. People need to stop doubting Dial Idol.
W: They were my original prediction for top two.
Ryan: Chris, you are going home.
W: (gasp)
W: (stunned silence)
P: (keening sounds from chaise)
W: (more silence)
P: No! I'm so sad! How could Chris be going home? It's so sad. Oh Chris, you're so pretty, I'm so sorry to see you going home.
W: I'm so sick of the bad day song.
P: (about Chris' wife) I can't believe she gets to fuck Chris on a regular basis.
W: They switched the Bad Day song so that it's acoustic. In theory, it's more painful now.
P: I'm in pain. WHAT ABOUT THE CHRIS LIGHTS? Oh Chris. I'm really sad. I mean, I do like them all but...
W: This is like Dave and Lori all over again!
P: It's worse! We're not even going to hear him sing.
W: I think he's crying. He's got the thick manly crying throat going on.
P: It's too sad. I'm just so sad we don't get to hear him sing next week. No more Chris Daughtry MP3s!
W: (sniffs)
P: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE, AMERICA!? What have you done. First my class ends and now this. How much is a girl supposed to take?

We'll figure out the pool after we're done sitting shiva for Chris. Weetapidol will be rocking ourselves to sleep tonight.

This week:
12 points: Bailey
11 points: Merr, the parakeets, Martha
10 points: Ana, Pie, Weet, Trance, Celine, Shmuel, and Editrix

96 points: Ana, Martha, Pie
95 points: Trance
93 points: Celine,Bailey
91 points: Editrix
90 points: Shmuel
83 points: Weet
81 points: parakeets
80 points: Merr

Mopie's heart:



Tuesday, May 09, 2006

4 Unlawful Carnal Knowledge

Pie: Tonight is Elvis night. I fall squarely on the Beatles side of the Elvis vs. Beatles debate. Weetabix?
Weet: I'm all for the Beatles. No, wait, I prefer them equally. No, I love the Beatles more, because they have an accent.
P: Ladies and gentleman, we are drinking Evolution. Because Evolution and Elvis both start with an E.
W: This is gonna be a trainwreck.

[Show begins.]

W: "Hi, I'm Ryan Seacrest and I'd like to help you buy your house. One percent below prime."
P: "He looks like an undertaker."
W: "I'm sorry for your loss, America."
P: "He looks like Undertaker Ken. It's so not him. At all."
W: "Three-piece suit and a bit of a five o'clock shadow."
P: "I love how the producers are trying to class it up."
W: "And Randy can't even be bothered to button his shirt all the way."

[Visit to Graceland.]

P: "All I can think about when I see Graceland is Spinal Tap. That's my only frame of reference."
W: "Oh my god, the Joker greets them?"
P: "Priscilla Presley's like Katharine McPhee in 50 years with all the Botox in the world."
W: "Put her too close to a flame, and she'll melt. Watch out, Katharine."
Tommy Mottola: Elvis is the reason I got into the music business.
W: "Really? I thought it was to get into Mariah's... uh, we don't have a code for that."
P: "Hee."
W: "Plus, a black velvet blazer and an off-black buttoned up polo shirt? Didn't Mariah teach him anything?"
P: "Well, yes. That's the problem."

Taylor, "Jailhouse Rock"
P: "This is either going to be really good or really funny."
W: "He looks like he's got the poops."
P: "Aw, he's so in his element."
W: "This is definitely his genre."
P: "I feel the need to dance!"
W: "So does Taylor, apparently. He's good. That little knee thing he was doing was adorable."
P: "Knee thing?"
W: "Like a crab, kind of."
P: "You mean like a crab... with CLAWS?"
W: "Perchance. Perchance I do mean that."
P: "Hee."
W: "What the hell does Paula have tied around her neck?"
P: "I disagree with Simon tonight. I actually really enjoyed it."
W: "I have no response."
P: "Taylor is dressed like a Graceland undertaker. Tommy Mottola was also dressed like an undertaker."
W: "I'm sensing a theme. Is this because Elvis is dead?"

Pie: I will give him an ei... ni... an 8.5.
Weet: I will give him a 7.

Chris, "Suspicious Minds"
[Chris mentions his underwear.]
W: "Wow. Fame has gone to Chris's head."
P: "I'm still thinking about his underwear, what?"
W: "Oh, so why the Beatles and Elvis? I thought it was Elvis and the Stones you had to choose between."
P: "No, it's totally the Beatles."
W: "Yeah, that makes sense. Chris lights! Millions of Chris lights! And he's wearing Bono glasses. The fame has gone to his head. Or the Chris lights have gone too much to his head. Wallet chain! W.C.!"
P: [Typing frantically]
W: "I don't think America will like this. America likes it when you look into the camera and tell them that they're pretty. Right now the glasses are distancing him from us, and saying he's better than us."
P: "I actually wish they were opaque. The transparent glasses are a little creepy."
W: "You know they are a little creepy. I think this is going to affect him adversely. But it's a concession so he can still look into the camera and say, 'You're sort of pretty, America.'"
P: "And yet not be blinded by Chris lights. Maybe they're going to go for Chris nuclear explosions this week."
W: "A Chris mushroom cloud."
P: "Let's rewind and hear him sing. Because I find him pretty."
W: "Chris and I know the truth about who you find pretty."
P: "I like the way Chris fondles the microphone."
W: "Why is he dressed like it's 40 degrees in the studio? Or is it an asbestos jacket so he doesn't combust from the Chris lights?"
P: "I think the Chris lights are the explanation to everything. To his entire ensemble. Except it doesn't explain the giant silver thing around his neck."
W: "I know. It's like he's Lex Luthor and that's his kryptonite."
P: [confused look]
W: "Pendant."
P: "A rare Weetabix joke misfire."
W: "I'm sorry, it was the Chris lights."
P: "He's like, making out with the microphone."
W: "OH! He took the glasses off to wink!"
P: "To wink and point!"
W: "It's a Picklerism!"
P: "It's an Ace-ism!"
W: "Oh god, I hope he shows us a scar in a minute!"
P: "That was hot."
W: "OH MY GOD, his mother is Cruella DeVil."
P: "She really is!"
W: "Where are the puppies?"
P: "That was awesome. I continue to love Chris."

Pie: I will resist the temptation to give him a 10, and give him a 9.
Weet: I'm saying a solid 9. It wasn't as hot as that one week where he did the screams that made me ovulate.
Pie: Why am I not surprised that Ryan knows all there is to know about men's underwear?
Weet: Why am I not surprised that Ryan's been thinking about it the whole song?

Elliott, "I Can Dream"
P: "And... we have undertaker again."
W: "Let me show you this tasteful selection of urns."
P: "He's got kind of a nice voice. I feel like this is the first time I've noticed it."
W: "You just figured that out? He's great! He's kind of the little engine that could. The little Elliott that could."
P: "I would love for him to make the finals."
W: "The problem is, I can't see anyone wanting to have sex with him. Then again, I can't see anyone wanting to have sex with Clay Aiken either."
P: "I do."
W: [stunned silence]
P: "What?"
W: "Be sure to blog my stunned silence."
P: "Okay."
W: "This totally doesn't sound like an Elvis song."
P: "No, but it's nice."
W: "I can see why Elliott picked it."
P: "I worry for Elliott, but I hope he doesn't go home."
W: "Come on, who else is going to go home? Face it, he's the underdog right now."

Pie: I will say, another very enjoyable performace. An 8.
Weet: Yeah. I'll match your 8. And I think they're pimping Elliott a lot.
Pie: I like his giant shiny tie.
Weet: Elliot's ties are always bigger than Ryan's.

Katharine, "Hound Dog/All Shook Up"
W: "That's a good blend of songs."
Tommy Mottola: Katharine really scored big with me.
W: "That's because he wants to score big with her. I love her shirt."
P: "I love her shirt too."
W: "It's so much better than the rope dress. Oh! She touched the McBeaver!"
P: "I think that might have been a yeast infection reference. She mentioned itching!"
W: "Really??"
[We rewind]
P: "She did! She sang 'I'm itching like a girl' and then scratched the McBeaver.'"
W: "She's itching like a girl on an FDS commercial. And she just screwed up the words."
[We rewind and confirm this as well.]
W: "God I love that shirt."
P: "I want that shirt."
P: "This song is great for her voice."
W: "She reminds me of Catherine Zeta-Jones in Chicago."
P: "God, she's great. And she's a great performer."
W: "Her makeup's great too."
P: "So is the color of her jeans."

Pie: I will give her an 8 also. I'm just kind of confused how to compare these.
Weet: If she hadn't dropped the line, I would have given her a 9. But I give her an 8.5.

Taylor, "In The Ghetto"
P: "He asked Lisa-Marie out on a date?
W: "Isn't Lisa-Marie a little young for you, Taylor?"
P: "Here's the song you wanted, 'In The Ghetto'! I think Tommy might want Taylor ro go home."
W: "Well, I hate it already. He's not really feeling it. He's not feeling his momma crying for this little baby born in the ghetto."
P: "He's way better when he's being a spaz."
W: "I actually don't think his voice is strong enough for this song. That's my problem with this."
P: "He looks uncomfortable."
W: "He just went off key badly, didn't he?"
P: "I don't know..."
W: "And the posture he just did was like, yeah, well..."
P: "And Randy loves it. Am I here right now?"
W: "Maybe Simon will save us. And Paula's neck lanyard is tied much too tight. And Simon loved it. I don't get it!"
P: "Me neither."
W: "Is this like last week when Simon said the opposite of what he meant? Is this opposites day on American Idol?"

Pie: A 6.
Weet: A 6 also.

Chris, "A Little Less Conversation"
W: "I enoy the songs from movies. I hope Ann Margaret comes out and dances in capris. That would make my night, now that I got my 'In The Ghetto' wish."
P: "I like any song that Chris sings."
W: "Oh, I love his shirt."
P: [moans]
W: "And he's got it unbuttoned where you can see his rooster. I think they fired the shit-in-the-pockets guy."
P: [more moaning]
W: "He brought his favorite microphone with him."
P: "I love everything that Chris sings, ever. He just screamed, did you ovulate? He also turned his microphone upside down."
W: "I actually didn't like that bit. Oh, Cruella DeVil!" [singing] "Cruella DeVil... Cruella DeVil... how does the rest of it go?"
P: "...if she doesn't scare you..."
W & P: " evil thing will...!"

Pie: 9. And I'm having the same issue with wanting to give him a 10. For sheer hotness.
Weet: I'll give him a 9. Honestly, he's done a lot better. But I'm swayed by my emotions. Okay wait, you have to see this hip wiggle Elliott just did!
Weet: Imagine this dance being done at you across a crowded bar.
Pie: AAH!
Weet: That's the point where you call the bouncer.

Elliott, "Trouble"
W: "I think Elliott needs to button up his shirt."
P: "I'm not buying that Elliott is trouble."
W: "He's got Chris lights, though. He's borrowing Chris lights."
P: "I don't know why they keep showing the musicians."
W: "They're trying to distract from Elliott's benign non-evilness. He's the kind of trouble that would drive you to the airport really, really early."
P: "Hee."
W: "He's the kind of trouble that you would call if your car stalled."
P: "This is so frenetic, it's weird."
W: "The drummer enjoyed it."
P: "Where is Paula going?"
W: "She pushed her chair into the audience and had to retrieve it. Look at how much higher Paula's chair is than Randy's."
P: "Elliott's the kind of trouble that would push in Paula's chair for her."

Pie: I continue to be confused, and I will give him a 9.
Weet: Really? I will give him a 7. I like Elliott, I really do. I just was... not so much.

Katharine, "I Can't Help Falling In Love"
W [from the kitchen]: "Oh, I love this song."
P: "She's in the pimp spot, she's not going home."
W: "That's not true. Didn't someone go home in the pimp spot?"
P: "Anthony Federov, and I'm so sad that I know that."
W: "Oh, I meant from this season."
P: "I don't think so. Again, Katharine looks totally hot. She's even showing belly. She's making love to America with her eyes right now."
W: "Really?"
P: "Oh wait, that's not belly, that's a shirt. And she's got an awesome belt. Her last note was not good."
W: "I was not wowed. Of course, I couldn't see the belt."
P: "'Have fun for a change'? What is Paula talking about? She was writhing around on the floor last week. And I think the judges want an all-male final three. Even Ryan's on board."
W: "But we've been talking about that for a while."
P: "Katharine looks like she's already defeated."
W [returning from the kitchen]: "Yeah."

Pie: I will give her a 7.
Weet: I'll match it.

Chris: 18, 18 = 36
Elliott: 16, 16 = 32
Katharine: 14, 16.5 = 30.5
Taylor: 12, 15.5 = 27.5

Pie: We voted Taylor last, but I think Katharine might be going home.
Weet: Yeah, I think it's going to be Katharine and Elliott in the bottom two.
Pie: None of them are shitty.
Weet: No. If Pickler were still around...
Pie: Fortunately, we are free from Pickler. There's nobody to root against, though. I could start rooting against Taylor.
Weet: I don't know anyone who actually likes Taylor.
Pie: There are a lot of crazy people on the internet who like Taylor. There are a lot of crazy people on the internet, period.

Saturday, May 06, 2006

Top 5 Belated Results

Better late than never! Pie and Weet got together to hit the Tivo’d version of AI. However, technical difficulties persist and we join the broadcast 9 minutes into it.

P: Oh, it’s their video. Oh Chris. Chris even manages to look hot when he’s in the stupidest commercial on earth. The rest of them look retarded, but Chris… hot. Well, Paris doesn’t look bad either. That’s why she’s in the front seat with Chris.
W: (Typing)
P: Are they supposed to be…what... Tina Turner, Jamiroquai, I don’t know what… oh, wait, Dennis Rodman, Mad Max, and Katharine… that is a really horrible dress. Like, she’s supposed to be some fat chick? I mean, she’s still got great buttons, but the dress is just not that flattering.
W: It’s… regrettable.
P: We’re down to the final five and they are all talented, so I wouldn’t be upset if any of them won. Like, Katharine I don’t want to win as much because she’s a Scientologist with crazy stage parents, and Taylor’s got the claw, so I wouldn’t necessarily pick him. But none of them would offend me. Like last year when Carrie won, and I was like, ugh.
W: (Typing)
P: Does Chris have some kind of weird… type... wallet chain? It’s like a uber wallet chain. You can decide what that is, you’re the WC expert.
W: It’s just peeping hot.
P: It’s hot because it’s pointing at his penis. If you can still think he’s hot when he’s wearing the Jamiroquai hat, and the low collar shirt and the armless thing? I don’t know. You’ve got problems.
W: WC! Katharine’s laughing like, ‘I can’t believe they made me wear that shit!’
P: They’re laughing like they’ve never seen themselves in one of those dippy ass commercials before.
W: Ryan, no Dunkleman!

(Paris recap)
Simon: Screechy and annoying.
W: I wouldn’t call it screechy.
P: It was kind of annoying. Oh god, Chris (fans self). Oh, I loved that.
W: I can’t believe you’re switching horses mid-race.
P: I’m not switching horses. I’ve liked Chris since the beginning.
W: He’s no Ace.
P: He’s a lot more het than Ace.
W: Het?
P: Hetero. It takes me a while to warm up to the heteros, but once I’m there…
W: Hahahaha.
P: Awesome dinner by the way. P.S. Awesome.
(Katharine recap)
W: I actually think she did that better than the original.
P: There’s the dress I love.

Ryan: Someone has to go home. Who’s it going to be?
P: Well, we know who it’s going to be, because it’s Saturday. But I knew anyway, because Dial Idol knew. It takes all the guesswork out of it now, since they’re always right. Want me to prepare the next wine?
W: Which one?
P: which one do you want? One True Wine?
W: Well. we don’t have to work tomorrow. We could do the Pinot something….
P: You’re right, intermediate wine. Tonight would be the night. Pinot Blanc?
W: That’s it.

P: I wish Ryan would go back to wearing t-shirts and blazers instead of these weird prommy things. I don’t like it.
(Taylor is safe)
W: Yeah, as if Taylor was out.
P: I know, he was the first person on the couch. And as if Chris isn’t safe. I want to lick his bald head, is that weird?
W: Which bald head?
P: Yes.

(Paris is in the bottom two)

W: This is like watching the tv news for an event you’ve already been to.
P: Paris has too many accessories. The necklace and the brooch and the belt… it’s too much.
W: It’s the Flash Gordon belt.
P: She needs to do that rule where you spin around and then look in the mirror and take off the first thing you see.
W: Except she should spin a few times.
P: Paris also kind of has nice buttons. I shouldn’t say that. She’s seventeen. My rule is twenty one.
W: She seems to be having more fun.
P: I wish good things for her. It’s a good shirt too.
W: But not that belt. Not ever.
P: Yeah. This song does not show off her voice that well.
W: She reverted back to the exact same choreography.
P: Now she’s showing some tummy. What is Ryan chasing her with?
W: Her microphone fell off.
P: This wine isn’t bad.
W: No, it’s definitely not objectionable.
P: We should have started with this one, since it’s milder.
(Thanks for drinking ad on the bumper)
P: Thanks for drinking? You’re WELCOME!

(Down to Katharine and Elliot)

P: Elliott, when he doesn’t show his teeth is pretty ok looking. Katharine, however, is preternaturally gorgeous and it’s annoying.
W: Is he wearing white shoes with black jeans?
P: No, he’s wearing black and white shoes with black jeans, but they are sort of unfortunate. Yeah, it’s his teeth that are not good. It’s like Bucky Covington, who seems like four million years ago. He was ok until he shows his teeth too. All I see is a chimpanzee begging for its life.
W& P: Hee hee hee!
W: He also has bat ears.
P: Yeah, .but that’s your issue. (makes flying bat noise)
W: I’m not sure what’s going on with his t-shirt.
P: I like it. It’s my favorite current style for men. I’m trying to convince Ian to wear that, because it’s hot.
(It’s Paris)
P: Oh Paris. Elliott looks so sad. And Katharine’s the only girl.
W: Because they are bound and determined to have two white guy finalists.
P: Yeah, well, they have a 75 percent chance of it and Katharine’s probably gone next week. She’s being set up to be out next week, since she wasn’t in the bottom two so she doesn’t have the fear vote. You know, I think Paris is going to be ok, in a few years, she’s just going to be ok. Oh, there’s Mandisa in the background, who also feels like years ago. I think she’s going to be ok too.
Tivo (stops)
P: Well, that was that. Well, now it’s three white guys and Katharine’s boobs.
W: It’s your vote America!
P: I should update the Idol pool. I think in honor of Paris, we should eat cupcakes.
W: Done.

Idol Pool Update:
13 points this week for Ana, Editrix, and the birds. 12 points for Pie, Trance, and Celine. 11 points for Martha and Merr. 10 points for Weet and Shmuel. And 9 points for Bailey. Overall score:

86 points: Ana and Pie
85 points: Martha and Trance
83 points: Celine
81 points: Bailey and Editrix
80 points: Shmuel
73 points: Weet
70 points: the parakeets
69 points: Merr

Thanks for reading! See you next Tuesday! (Er… hmm…)

Wednesday, May 03, 2006

Top 5 Results

...will unfortunately have to wait, as I have a bunch of work to do tonight and Pie's sister and cousin are in town. I am recording the show, however, and we will dutifully blog it in the next few days. Stay alive! No matter what occurs!

Haiku for Katharine

McBeaver frightens
Scientologists into
action. Bye Paris!

Tuesday, May 02, 2006

Top 5 Perform

Pie here. I have to say that this is a great top five for me. Putting aside the Katharine = Scientologist thing, I think they're all very talented and I wouldn't be spitting mad if any of them won. Yet I am still rooting for Chris, the destined winner, possibly because I am American Idol's bitch. I listened to his version of "I Walk The Line" today and it gave me chills again. He does one "line" that's just hot. I don't know. Tonight we are drinking Simon Creek Viogner, eating take-out, and catching up on our weekends, which we spent tragically apart. Weetapie is stronger than the sum of its parts, although Weet and Pie are surely fabulous. Anyway, thanks for joining us for tonight's liveblog. We're at T-minus six minutes.

W: "I don't know how I feel about Seacrest's ensemble tonight."
P: "It's his tie tack that's a problem."
W: "It's like a button you push to make him shut up. I like that."
P: "Hee."
W: "Maybe it's a plug."
P: "What shit is Paula wearing around her neck?"
W: "She hit the prom sale rack at Claire's. No, what's the new Claire's now?"
P: "There's a new Claire's?"
W: "Icicle? The Icing? Icing?"
P: "If you say so."

Eliott, "On Broadway"
P: "Wait, this is an new song? I mean, I thought this was from, like the '50s. And what is he dressed as, with that shiny gold tie?"
W: "A real estate agent."
P: "It's the blazer."
W: "I thought 'On Broadway' was old."
P: "I know! He's a really good singer though."
W: "They did a little bit of Chris lights there. Just a little."
P: "Ace is there! Yay! I get to see him look pretty, but I don't have to hear him sing. And again, Ryan and Elliott look like they're going to the prom."
W: "It's the ties. Although clearly Elliott has more girth."
Pie [starts typing]
W: "You cannot blog that."
P: "Okay."
W: "I talk about cocks too much as it is!"
P: "I have to blog it now."

Pie: I give him an 8.
Weet: I give Elliott a 6. I think he's done so much better.

Paris, "Kiss"
W: "We are fucking old. Paris was conceived three years after I had my first kiss."
P: "That means you could be Paris's mother. She has great shoes."
W: "I could have been Paris's mother. But I would have had her in pageants by the age of four."
P: "I don't know how to spell pageants."
W: "P-A-G-E-A-N-T-S."
P: "Okay, that's how I spelled it. It looks weird though."
W: "I don't know if I like the shoes. I don't like the shirt. I like the necklace though. It's a good homage to Prince."

Pie: 7.
Weet: I am totally biased against Paris and this song. Because I love how Prince does it. I love how Tom Jones does it. She isn't even close. I'm giving her a 5.

Chris, "Renegade"
W: "Elliott's older than Chris?
P: "Wow. He's hot."
W: "Yeah."
P: "Chris lights!"
W: "This is a good song for him. W.C.! W.C.!"
P: "Wait, rewind. I need to see it again."
W: [singing] "Oh say can you W.C.? By the dawn of Chris lights..."
P: [fans self] "Again, I would like to fuck him."
W: "I would like one more button to come off his shirt. And he looks like he would have good legs. I like legs."
P: "DAMN, he's good. I don't even know this song, and it's great."
W: "I think three girls in the audience just got pregnant off of that."

Pie: I'm giving him a 10.
Weet: Yeah. Apparently I'm not that tired. 10.

Katharine, "Against All Odds"
P: "They're talking about the McBeaver?"
W: "Yeah!"
P: "Against All Odds? Oh god."
W: "Good God, she's wearing, like, metallic eye shadow."
P: "I love that dress. I LOVE that dress."
W: "I like the dress. I don't like the eye shadow at all. And she's wearing an opaque tight. I'm sorry, but the opaque tight is undoing all the belty goodness of the dress."
P: "Show off!"
W: "Yeah. Glory note!"
P: "Kelly Clarkson didn't need to do all the glory notes to be good. 'Take a luke at me now.'"
W: "I didn't like the luke. Luke, I am your father."
P: "As usual, 'you look stunning' is Paula's code for 'you sucked.' I think Simon just called it the best when he meant worst. And Katharine said thanks!"
W: "Yeah. He said best and he meant worst."
P: "Still loving that dress."
W: "It's doing an unfortunate roll thing."
P: "I unabashedly love it."

Pie: 5, it wasn't that good.
Weet: I gave Paris a 5? Yes, I'll give that about a 5.

Taylor, "Play That Funky Music"
P: "Taylor should be doing... wait, what's a song from the 1800s?"
W: "'A Bicycle Built For Two'? 'Down By The Old Mill Stream'? 'Rule Brittania'?"
P: [Laughs hysterically.]


Elliott, "Home"
W: "That's a top 10? From the Adult Contemporary, People With No Lives list. Elliot, don't sit on the stool? That's the stool of death."
P: "He changed?"
W: "They always change when they do two songs."
P: "He seems more confident tonight, though. I have never heard this song in my life."
W: "No. He's got a pocket square, though. He's got a Dunkelman."
P: "Maybe it's a Dunklelman of death. He's got a nice voice, though. He's back to looking like a bat."
W: "It was like a Marx routine, right now. And oh my god, Paula's laughing gas has just kicked in."
P: "Yeah it has."
W: "I did not so much enjoy it. But I enjoy his crazy little gargoyle mother."
P: "I think they've all just lost their minds, collectively."
W: "I like Paula's shirt, though, I'd like to say."

Weet: A 6. It worked very well with this muscat.
Pie: I will match your 6.

Paris, "We Without You"
W: "I never knew camo could go with shiny satin."
PL "It doesn't really go with shiny satin."
W: "And the Flash Gordon belt? Not so much. I like the song though."
P: "I don't like that she's wrapped her lower body in tinfoil."
W: "It makes her butt look like a baked potato! That's exactly what that is."
P: "Slap some chives on her."
W: "Some costumer backstage has still not gotten past their stableboy obsession. Because I don't think jodphurs have ever had a place in hip-hop."

Pie: A 7 I guess.
Weet: I agree. She's a 7. That was much better than the previous one.
Pie: Nobody's holding a candle to Chris.

Chris, "I Dare You"
W: "Now his Chris lights have been turned to fire because he is SO FUCKING HOT. He has ignited the Chris lights! What was fuck again?"
P: "Peep."
W: "He is so peeping hot. I want to keep the code going."
P: "I love the code."
W: "Look at all the fire on the stage!"
P: "And his smoldering gaze."
W: "It's something about the way he holds the microphone."
P: "And he's got such a good voice."
W: "I've actually heard this song, and I like his version better."
[Chris hits an amazing note.]
P: "Oh my god."
W: "He just won."
P: "I'm having an orgasm listening to him right now."
W: "I might have to go to Idols Live. He is so the chosen one."
P: "And I don't care, because he is molten hot."

Pie: I give him.. a 10 again. I don't know what the judges are talking about.
Weet: I will give him a 9, because he did not bring me to ultimate pleasure like he did last time.
Pie: I felt the ultimate pleasure.

Katharine, "Black Forest Of The Cherry Tree"
W: "She's got the ethnic men. She's got Chris's ethnic men."
P: "I like her shirt."
W: "She's kind of sexing up the joint."
P: "She's always sexing up the joint."
W: "But... in a stripper way, kind of."
P: "I don't know how much more stripper you can get than the McBeaver."
W: "But that was just a flash. Now she's writhing on the ground! They're going to lower a pole any second."
P: "I bet you a million dollars Simon loved that."
W: "Yeah. That's what he meant by 'I watched it again.' He watched the McBeaver."

Pie: 8, that was much better.
Weet: A strong 8. A snowman. I'm matching your snowman.

Taylor, "Something"
P: "We've gotta pay attention to Taylor this time, because we missed it last time."
W: "We'll download it."
P: "Ryan's kind of presenting his rooster at this point."
W: "A Beatles song? And it's in the top 10?"
P: "This is the song from the year he was born."
W: "How did they totally loophole this, that he's singing this?"
P: "I don't think this is really to his advantage, because he's not doing so well--HE HAS LASERS?"
W: "No, it's a violin bow, and it looks like a penis. I talk about penises a lot on Weetapidol."
P: "And a grateful nation thanks you."
W: "These are the green lights of unattractiveness. This is the subtle way that they totally influence the voters. It's like when they want to make the prostitutes go away, they change the lights to green."
P: "Wait, I have to blog this. Prostitutes and green lights?"
W: "Yeah, that's why the red light district is red. Because it makes you look better."
P: "Seriously, who knew?"
W: [raises hand]
P: "So the green lights are a conspiracy?"
W: "Yes, and the average 15-year-old Ammberreleighh won't pick up on that."
[Weetabix spells Ammberreleighh]
P: "I did not find it that exciting."
W: "No. I agree with Simon. I feel pandered to."
[Ryan mentions 'happy endings.']
W: [playing with one of Abby's action figures] "I can put an entire man into my mouth."
P: "What?"
W: "Nothing."
P: "I'm blogging that."

Pie: I give him a 5.
Weet: 6.

Chris: 39 points
Elliott: 26 points
Paris: 26 points
Katharine: 24
Taylor: 11 plus the mystery score of the performance we haven't seen, but we'll just multiply it by two and say 22.