Wednesday, April 26, 2006

Top 6 Results (Peep)

Tonight we are drinking Simon Creek Vineyards Viogner. Abby is drinking sparking cherry wine. We are all still in shock about the elimination on America's Next Top Model, which we won't spoil. Let's see if we're equally shocked by the elimination tonight!

W: "Ryan is looking boring tonight."
P: "He looks tired to me."
W: "He looks young. Like maybe he's aging backwards and has a portrait of his evil deeds in his attic."
P: "Did you read about Ryan's feud with Paula Abdul? He says he's not speaking to her."
W: "Not speaking to her during the show?"
P: "We'll see. No, he's talking to her."
W: "She looks like she put on every piece of jewelry in her closet."
P: "Ooh, they just cleared it up!"
W: "I think Simon's listening in on the liveblogging."
P: "Before we've even posted it."
W: "Yes. He's in this room. The call is coming from inside the house! He's in your pants."
P: "I'm not sure how anyone's pants factor into it."
W: "He's in my pants."
P: "Because he's a millionaire?"
W: "No. Because he's British. (Simon is not really in my pants. I am a happily married woman. I just want to make that clear, in case he's listening. From inside my pants.)"
P: "Paula is... it's not even a joke. She's really a drunk."
W: "She is."
Abby: "And she used to be a singer."
W: "Well, that's up for contention."
Abby: "Paula acts like I do when I hear Chris."
W: "But Paula is 40 years older than you are."

[Ford Commercial]
P: " Oh I love this song!"
W: "Chris looks HOT with the walkie talkie! Did you see that?"
P: "No!"
W: "Okay, I have to rewind it. The dog is cute too! It looks like a little bat dog. Look! He's total Vin Diesel there."
P: "Oh, that's a problem."
W: "The puppy was a baby daddy! I really hate Ford Fusions, but I enjoy the cheesy commercials."
Abby: "I enjoyed the little French bulldog."
W: "I did too."

[Andrea Bocelli comes out.]
W: "He's rocking the velvet blazer. I think I see Andrea Bocelli's rooster, and I'm disturbed."
P: "Paula's doing her 'you're my friend!' clap again. Also, Tom Cruise's belief in Scientology!"
W: "What?"
P: "Nothing. I just wanted to use the code."
[Andrea performs.]
W: "This sounds like the beginning to Les Miz."
Abby: "What's that?"
W [singing]: "I just stole a loaf of breeeead..."
[Abby uses a frog puppet made out of a paper plate to sing along to Andrea Bocelli.]
W: "This isn't doing much for me, but maybe it's because I don't have a plate of angel hair pasta in front of me."
P: "At least it's not Rod Stewart."
W: "You're right. He's classing up the joint. But once again, I think they wasted an awesome opportunity to have them sing opera."
P: "Katharine sang opera."
W: "For like two minutes in the B-roll."
P: "But still."
W: "Look at all the sparklies Andrea Bocelli gets. It's like Chris lights times forty-seven! He really does have an amazing voice, though. It's so clear."
P: "It's just the song is so, like..." [dramatic arm gesture]
W: "Elliott made everyone else stand up! That's classy."
P: "Ryan's doing the Italian hands thing."
Abby [manipulates paper plate frog]: "Do you like my a-singing?"
P: "Yes, paper plate frog!"

W: "Lisa's back."
P: "She's there to support her best friend Paris when she gets laminated. They're doing three groups of two so it's not boys vs. girls."
W: "Oh, I think you're right. But it could still be boy-girl-boy-girl-boy-girl."
P: "Elliot's really growing on me."
W: "Yeah. Like a fungus."
P: "Kellie looks sad. I think Taylor and Elliott are the top two! Go Elliott."
W: "Go Elliott. No kidding."
[Taylor does weird arm motion.]
W: "He looks like he should be saying WA-PAUGH."
Ryan: We're going to a break.
W: "Oh fuck your brea-- oops. I used a bad word."
Abby: "It means middle finger."
W: "Yes, but that's a bad word."
Abby: "Mo said it yesterday!"
W: "I know, but it's bad."
Abby: "I know, I'm not gonna use it." [Singing] "I win! I win! I don't swear! I win!"
[Abby begins doing the robot.]
P: "Did we give her sugar or something?"
W: "Yeah, we did. Cherry juice and ice cream."
Abby [singing]: "Domo arigato, Mr. Roboto!"
W: "We should not give you dessert anymore, is the lesson to be learned here."

[Back from break]
W: "I really like Chris's shirt and it makes him V-shaped."
P: "V-shaped?"
W: "And he has another thing that I'm not going to talk about, but it makes me happy."
Ryan: Katharine and Chris are top two.
W: "Wow, Dial Idol is wrong."
P: "Yeah, I thought Taylor should be in the top two for sure."
W: "I don't know what Paris is wearing tonight. It looks like a pair of Nellie Olson's bloomers."
P: "I actually like it."
Abby: "I love the shirt. It's cool. I would wear it. I would wear Ellieolsom's bloomers."
W: "You don't even know what that is."

[Kellie is laminated]
All: "YAY!" [High fives]
W: "Pickler's been picked!"
Abby: "Go America! Go America!"
P: "This is so exciting!"
W: "It is a night for shockers."
P: "I didn't dare hope that this night would come."
W: "I thought she would drag along like a remora on the button of this contest until she sucked it dry."
Abby: "Pickler."
P: "Bye Pickler."
W: "Don't let the door hit ya..."
P: "...where the good Lord..."
Abby: "Yeah, don't get knocked out by the door!"

Idol pool update:
Nobody picked Kellie for tonight. 12 points for Editrix, 11 points for Shmuel, 10 points for Ana, Martha, Trance, Celine, Bailey, and Pie. 8 points for Merr. 7 points for Weet. Again, if Guppy were in this pool, she would be kicking all our buttons. She has an almost perfect score of 89 points. What the DMV? Overall scores:

74 points: Pie and Martha
73 points: Ana and Trance
72 points: Bailey
71 points: Celine
70 points: Shmuel
68 points: Editrix
63 points: Weet
58 points: Merr
57 points: the parakeets

Your comments yesterday (making use of our code) cracked us up, thanks!
Weetapidol out.

Tuesday, April 25, 2006

Top Peeping 6

Tonight, our liveblog special guest is seven-year-old Abby. In deference to her seven-year-oldness, Weet and I have established a code, based on our Weetapidol vocabulary to date, which we will use throughout this liveblog.

Cock = rooster
Etymology: a lack of creativity
Example: "Wow, those pants certainly are constricting Chris's rooster!"

Fuck = peep
Etymology: leftover Easter treats
Example: "Pick Pickler is so peeping irritating."

Hell = DMV
Etymology: have you been to the DMV?
Example: "Does Mandisa think the gays are going to the DMV?"

Semen = sailors
Etymology: from the ancient Greek
Example: "I wonder if Simon's been near Ryan's sailors this week?"

Bitch = Kellie
Etymology: just a coincidence, Idol Forums people!
Example: "Kellie is making such a Kellieface right now."

Shit = Tom Cruise's belief in Scientology
Etymology: only Xenu knows for sure
Example: "Wow, Taylor sounds like Tom Cruise's belief in Scientology tonight!"

And away we go!

P: "Ryan's going to the prom again tonight."
Abby: "Oh, he shaved [his beard] off!"
W: "Yeah, he did."
[Ryan mentions Ace.]
Abby: "Ace makes cheesy faces into the camera."
P: "And they're doing love songs. I'm sad Ace isn't here to make cheesy love song faces into the camera."
W: "I'm sad they're not doing opera."
P: "Opera would be peeping hilarious."
[Sarah Brightman appears]
W: "Oh my god, I wanna slap Sarah Brightman."
P: "Noted."
Abby: "I think Chris is gonna win."
P: "I agree with you."
Abby: "My mom thinks he's cute."
W: "That's because he has a wallet chain. Your mom loves wallet chains."
Abby: "She says she usually doesn't like bald guys, because my dad's bald. But she likes Chris. I guess because of the wallet chain?"
W: "Yes, the wallet chain."
Some Dude: If you can't make it in my studio, you're gone.
P: "Wow, that guy is a Kellie."
W: "This guy's harcore. I wish he was sitting in for Randy."

Katharine, "I Have Nothing"
W: "Oh my god, she just broke out the Italian."
P: "Holy... chickens. I forgot what our code was for that. We don't have a code for that."
W: "I think chickens works. It's better than any code we would have come up with."
P: "I should have said 'Holy Tom Cruise's belief in Scientology.'"
[Katharine starts singing.]
W: "I like Katharine's hair tonight. And her butt...ons."
P: "She is doing a lot of wiggling. And there's her dad crying again. She's really feeling the song."
W: "She's awesome. I like her shoes. And--WOAH! We just got some McPheever there!"
P: "We don't have a code for the McPheever."
W: "I think McPheever's pretty good. But I wanna say McBeaver."
P: "McBeaver!"
P: "I think Ryan just told Katharine that the deaf people will vote for her."
W: "Two numbers? Interesting."
P: "They're trying to discredit Dial Idol."
W: "Ooooh."

Pie: I give her an 8. I might be blinded by the McBeaver, though.
Weet: I will also give her an 8. But I'm a little shocked they're all coming down on her right now. They're like, lecturing her.
Abby: That was weird. [Weetabix explains the scoring system and asks Abby for her score.] Probably a 7-6 thing. [We'll call that a 6.5.]

Elliot, "A Song For You"
P: "I have no idea who Elliot is talking about. Danny Hathaway?"
W: "Dunno. But what the heck is Elliot doing wearing tennis shoes, going to see important music people?"
P: "It's not like Andrea Bocelli can see him back."
W: "Ha! I love how hardcore this David guy's being."
P: "He's making them get all glory-notey, but that's what they criticized Katharine for."
[Elliot starts singing.]
W: "He's not looking as batly today."
P: "Yeah, he does look different. Is it sideburns? The hair? The eyebrows? What's different?"
W: "Is it the goatee? Did they slip us something?"
P: "Do you like Elliot, Abby?"
Abby: "Yes."
W: "Do you think he's cute?"
Abby: "No."
W: "Do you think he looks like a bat?"
Abby: "A little bit. With all that black on. Yeah."
W: "I just meant his face. From the neck up."
Abby: "Well then yeah."
P: "I think Elliot's going to the prom with Ryan."
W: "The sailor prom?"
P: "Hee. Hmm. He makes unattractive faces when he sings."

[Randy criticizes the arrangements.]
P: "But it's that guy who's fucking up the arrangements--AAH! The code! I forgot the code!"
W: "PEEPING! PEEPING up the arrangements!"
[Paula cries.]
W: "Her drugs are up to 11."

Pie: The judges like him a lot more, but I will give him an 8.
Weet: I will give him a 9. He has swayed me with his unusual looks. And I'm afraid of bats, so he deserves a 9.
Abby: [ponders] An 8.

Pick Pickler, "Unchained Melody"
W: "Abby, do you like Kellie?"
Abby: "Yeah!"
P: "Well it's nice to have the pro-Kellie contingent represented. Because our entire comments base hates Pickler."
W: "I like Kellie's hair tonight."
P: "I do not."
Abby: "I do."
W: "Kellie is telling the world that she's lonely."
Abby: "She's trying to get a boyfriend."
P: "'I don't have anyone to play pottery with.' Play pottery is a better code than ours."
W: "Look at the look of horror on that Dave guy's face."
P: "I really hope this is as big of a trainwreck as it promises to be."
[Pickler starts singing.]
W: "Oh my god. I just got this flashback that we're on a really budget cruise ship. And you can hear forks clinking in the background. Waiters passing by."
P: "How can you like that hair?"
W: "It's different. It's unexpected."
P: "So is herpes."
Abby: "That's her note."
W: "It is her note. Because nobody else wants it."

Pie: 4
Weet: 2
Abby: It's pretty much a 6.

Paris, "The Way We Were"
W: "This is going to be great."
P: "I'm worried for Paris, though."
W: "I am too. But I really think Paris is going to be a superstar. She's really good."
[Paris starts singing.]
P: "What does that hair remind me of?"
W: "Vicky Stubing from the Love Boat."
W: "God, I hope feathered hair isn't coming back."
P: "She's really smiling too much for this song."
W: "I would really like to have at the American Idol lip gloss cabinet. Because they all have fantastic lip gloss."
P: "She's got the voice, man."
[Abby makes fart sounds.]
W: "Are your fart sounds something we should be taking note of?"
Abby: "No."
Pie: [nods and types]
W: "Joely Fisher? I thought Joely Fisher died in a cocaine accident."

Pie: I give her an 8
Weet: I actually give her a 7. She's done much better. I loved her last week.
Abby: 7

Taylor, "Just Once"
P: "Dunkelman!"
W: "Dunkelman's ashamed to be a part of this. I don't know what to make of this jacket."
P: "I like the shirt. I don't like this song, though. I think he's off."
W: "I know. I'm not feeling him. The soul train has derailed."
P: "He's trying the Jesus hands. He'd better just go to the claw."
W: "The claw works for him."
P: "He stands like he's pooping."
W: "Like he's got a load and is trying to squeeze it."
P: "That was very evocative, thank you."
W: "I'm a writer. I paint with words."

Pie: I give him a 5. I think I was psychic when I said he sounded like Tom Cruise's belief in Scientology.
Weet: Yeah. 5. Meh.
Abby: [Lost interest and wandered away.][Came back to say "he was good" and give him a 9 for the first three seconds of his performance.]

Chris, "Have You Ever Really Loved A Woman?"
W: "It's not a good song for him."
P: "Because he's never really loved a woman. He's really loved Ace."
[Chris starts singing.]
W: "Why does he get mariachi men?"
P: "They're the equivalent of the Chris lights."
W: "They are. They're the Chris ethnic-men-with-guitars."
Abby: "You know I'm giving a 10 for him. Chris is getting a 10."
W: "Why?"
Abby: "Chris is an awesome singer!"
W: "He's got Chris lights and ethnic men with guitars."
P: "I hate Bryan Adams, but I like this performance."
W: "I hate this song, actually. But he's doing very well. He's very Chris. I wish he were wearing a wallet chain, though."
P: "He is good. He is good."
W: "I see his rooster."
P: "My examples of the code were psychic."
[Abby gets on the floor to do 'we're not worthy' hands. She hugs the television. She does more 'we're not worthy' hands while chanting "ten... ten... ten..."]
P: "I think she likes Chris."
W: "Maybe."

Pie: I give him a 9. I liked him better than anyone else tonight.
Weet: Yeah, I give him a 9. Easily.
Abby: 10, 10, 10.

Chris: 28
Elliot: 25
Katharine: 22.5
Paris: 22
Taylor: 19
Kellie: 12

Abby thinks: "Pick Pickler is gone. I think Pickler is down the drain." Weetabix hopes she's right, but is very nervous for Paris. Weet says, "If there's a God in heaven, it will be Pickler." Pie thinks Paris might be gone, even though that's the wrong choice. "I think Pickler's going to end up third."

Thanks for reading (and commenting). Weetapidol out!

Wednesday, April 19, 2006

In Which Ace Almost Certainly Goes Home

And back to his day job as, in the words of Kim, a hit man for the Gay Mafia. Awesome. (For the record, Weetabix think there might be a shocker in the shape of Paris or Chris. We'll see.)

I was pondering this season today and realizing that (except for Pick Pickler) once Ace is gone, I feel like there's a bunch of people I could reasonably stand to see win this thing. As opposed to last season when Carrie Underwhelming underwhelmed the hell out of me. Or the season when Fantasia (awesome) was stuck in the final three with Diana DeGarmo (not awesome) and Jasmine Trias (horrifyingly un-awesome). I might not even be anti-Pickler if she weren't a carbon copy of Carrie. On the other hand, it would be fun to see a Pickler-Carrie duet at some point.

Let the countdown to liveblog begin.

We're having a hard time switching the channel because we're into America's Next Top Model. Okay, we tore ourselves away. Ryan's introducing the judges. Ryan has crazy black-on-black stripes, we notice.

[Recap of last night]
W: "Rod Stewart's like, I grew this baby so I can harvest its skin."
P: "Creepy."
W: "I like this new finessing Elliot."
P: "Oh, Paris was so good."
W: "They didn't give Ace a very long clip."
P: "I didn't see Katharine's dad all weepy in the audience last night. I was probably typing. Oh god, I don't want to see Rod Stewart."
W: "We could throw on America's Next Top Model again."
P: "We should just throw in random recaps of that instead."

[Ford commercial]
P: "This is kinda cool. Or maybe I just love this song. Oh... I love Ace's arms. This will probably be my last chance to see them."
W: "Yeah, I'm sorry. This is kinda cool. I like how Chris's is all fake rocker."
P: "With a fake guitar."
W: "Uh oh. Look at how they're sitting. Ace is in the drama spot!"

[Rod Stewart]
W: "Oh my god, is he doing 'Do You Think I'm Sexy!?' Oh no, he's having a seat. It was too much to hope for."
P: "Rod Stewart has had that jacket since 1972."
W: "I think so. It was a gift from Britt Ecklund. And why is he holding his hand up there? Is he trying to effect a claw?"
P: "I think he's holding his microphone."
W: "In another world, there's a weird kind of similarity between Rod Stewart and Tony Bennet."
P: "No, I totally see that."
W: "Just don't tell Rod Stewart about that."
P: "So, I hope Danielle doesn't get elminated."
W: "I fear they're telegraphing it. They couldn't possibly be getting rid of Brooke. They've only been talking about it for the past three episodes."
P: "I think Brooke is gone."
W: "It would be about time, but they got rid of Leslie instead of Brooke last week, even though Leslie took that great fairy tale picture. By the way, I think Joanie's going to be top two."
P: "I agree with you. Is Rod still singing? Ooh, pudding!"
[We eat pudding. Rod continues singing.]
W: "God, he's still singing. Now he's fake dancing. Hey, this sugar-free Jello is really starting to grow on me."
P: "Yeah, it's good."
W: "They're all wearing stars or something. I think Paula gave them all necklaces. Because I can't see Paris and Kellie being necklace buddies."
P: "Why would anybody have sex with Rod Stewart?"
W: "What if you were kissing him and you accidentally hit the mole?"
P: "AAAH!"


P: "They're doing OPERA NEXT WEEK?"
W: "They're doing opera! I hope it's opera. I kind of love Andrea Bocelli. I'm also a sixty-five year old woman. Also, this reminds me of Italian food. And Vegas. Alternating, not at the same time.
P: "Um.."
W: "Like the dancing water at the Bellagio."
P: "Oh, I get it."
W: "I want to see Chris doing Puccini."

P: "Yeah, Elliot's in the bottom three. Oh no wait, Chris is in the bottom three."
W: "Yeah, I... I don't know. Oh Paris joins Chris. Chris is in the bottom three."
P: "He just called her Pickler. And she's safe. Fucking Pickler. I feel like I'd like her a lot more if she was in the bottom three when she was supposed to be."
W: "I know. If she wasn't an unstoppable tide."
P: "Taylor's also an unstoppable tide, but I don't resent him for it. Oh, I heard something awesome about him on the radio today."
W: "That he has gray pubes?"
P: "Hee."
W: "I kind of like his glower."
P: "Oh shit, they're pulling a George Huff on him! But there are enough people who did well that it's like, who are you gonna pick?"
W: "It would be truly shocking if the bottom three were Eliiot, Katherine, and Kellie. Is it too much to hope that it's Pickler?"
P: "Yes, it's too much to hope."

P: "What the DJ said she liked about Taylor was that if you paid him minimum wage to stand on a street corner and sing, he'd do it."
W: "That's a good point. I bet that's true."
P: "Now he has to pick a group."
W: "And Taylor faked out Ryan! Taylor totally faked out Ryan!"
P: "He knows Ace is in the bottom three, I mean come on."
W: "That's why he went over and shook Chris's hand."
P: "Like, 'dude, it's not you.'"
W: "Honestly, I'm worried about Paris. Oh, thank you Ryan, for relieving that."
P: "It's obviously not Chris. This is not so shocking. They tried, but..."
W: "Yeah."
P: "Chris looks tiny next to Ace."
W: "I'm sorry. Your eye candy is going away."
P: "It was time."
W: "I knew the slicked-back hair would be the death of him."

P: "Montage of pretty."
W: "I didn't know Paula was in love with him."
P: "And they showed the Jesus hands."
W: "He's very pretty."
P: "But can you imagine him singing opera? That would not be pretty."
W: "Goodbye, shit in the pocket. Goodbye, cuff over the sleeve. Goodnight, John Boy."

Idol pool update:
13 points: Trance
12 points: Ana, Pie, Martha, Celine, Editrix
11 points: Merr, the birds, Shmuel, Bailey
10 points: Weetabix

Overall score:
64 points: Martha and Pie
63 points: Ana and Trance
62 points: Bailey
61 points: Celine
59 points: Shmuel
56 points: Weet, Editrix
50 points: Merr, the parakeets

Thanks for playing! Weetapidol out.

Tuesday, April 18, 2006

All 7 And We'll Watch Them Fall

Tonight we're drinking wine and eating string cheese. We've had a rough day. And oh, look! The show is on!

P: "Ryan's got a weird tie."
W: "I actually like Ryan's tie. Oh, and Randy's in stripes, Paula's in a kindergarden art project, and Simon is looking cute now that I know he's a millionaire."
P: "No Dunkelman, though."
W: "I wonder if they're going to talk about the sperm-in-the-stomach urban legend, because that would rock."
P: "Wait, what!? What's the legend?"
W: "That Rod Stewart was admitted to the hospital with a quart of sperm in his stomach. I think that's like the Richard Gere gerbil thing."
P: "Yeah, that's obviously total crap."
W: "Because a quart? That's, like, everyone on the tour bus. And a very long night with nothing to do."
P: "Hee."
W: "I'm so skeeved out by Rod Stewart, I cant even explain it. He's going to eat that baby. Or marry it. Do you think that's really his hair?"
P: "I have no idea. This whole segment is creeping me out."

Chris, "What A Wonderful World"
P: "Spoilers were wrong."
W: "He might have had to change songs, though."
P: "If this was Ace, he would have to bring the baby on stage so he could point to it during 'I see babies cry.'"
W: "Hee. I like Chris's shirt in the flashback."
[Chris performs]
P: "He's dressed like a waiter."
W: "He borrowed Randy's vest. But he's got the wallet chain, keeping it real. And he's got the sleeves cuffed... he's got a very gay stylist hiding backstage."
P: "He's so soulful right now. He's trying to take Ace's votes away. With the arms too. He's like look! I have arms!"
W: "If he shows us a scar, it's over for Ace."
P: "This is the right move for him, I think."
W: "He's wearing a cravat! Oh my god, he's wearing a cravat! You can't wear a cravat and a wallet chain. It does not match. The ghost of Dunkleman has been reincarnated as a cravat. Is it more manly to be a cravat or a scarf?"
P: "I have no idea. I don't even know what a cravat is. I don't even know how to spell cravat."
W: "C-R-A-V-O-T-T-E?"
P: "Oops."*

Pie: I will give him a 7.5. I don't really like that song, but he was good.
Weet: I will give him a 9 because I like his arms. And it was a good performance. But 9 for the arms.

Paris, "Foolish Things"
P: "Why is she dressed up like she's on The Apprentice?"
W: "It's career day on American Idol. And I love her hair barette thing."
P: "I love her hair."
W: "It's great. Ooh, she's so good in rehearsal. And her mom has to be there because she's under eighteen. This is gonna be good because she does sound like Billie Holiday."
[Paris performs]
P: "Oh, she's good. She's dressed like a stewardess, though."
W: "Yeah I was gonna say the same thing! I wouldn't have worn the stewardess thing, I would have worn a floor-length '40s gown. She's got good shoes, but that jacket doesn't fit Paris right."
P: "That skirt sits really weird on her too."
W: "The whole thing just doesn't fit. But she sounds great."
P: "She sounds awesome."
W: "She does. Even though she looks like she's going for her high school mock trial championship."
P: "I just love her voice. This is my favorite Paris performance so far. Wow. And I agree with Paula about the album of standards."
Ryan: Simon is sipping the happy fuel.
P: "Is that your sperm, Ryan?"

Pie: Okay, that gets a 9 from me.
Weet: I give that a 9. It might have been a 10 had she not been wearing the crazy orange suit. The Idol Forums are gonna hate me for that.

Taylor, "You Send Me"
P: "I have to physically remind myself that he's not 40 years old. And then I forget all over again."
W: "You are older than Taylor Hicks."
P: "Oh god."
W: "But you're prettier than him too."
P: "Thanks..."
W: "They censored Rod Stewart with an American Idol symbol!"
[Taylor performs]
W: "If he could do this without gesticulating, I might be swooning a little. But he's not. So I'm not swooning. It's like swoon contraception."
P: "Aw the claw, it's back. It's the swoon prophylactic claw. And he's doing the defense for Paris's mock trial."
W: "I think he might be the judge. The costume department is having such an easy time this week. All the guys go to Brooks brothers, all the girls go to Talbots."
P: "Hee. Man, he's convulsing his way through this."
W: "Look, Paula's standing! And you can't tell. SOMEONE HAS GOT TO TRIM PAULA'S BANGS OR I WILL DO IT FOR HER."

Weet: I will give him an 8.
Pie: I give him a 7 because the spazzing out was not attractive.
Weet: That's actually why I gave him an 8.

Elliot, "It Had To Be You"
W: [Weird noise.]
P: "Was that supposed to be a bat?"
W: "It was a flock of bats. Like flock of seagulls, only bats."
[Elliot performs]
P: "Aw, look at him! All confident and charming!"
W: "And there's Dunkleman!"
P: "I don't like the lapels."
W: "But he's rocking the jeans."
P: "The jeans are good."
W: "I like the outfit. Go bat boy! I love his look."
P: "I love this song, and it gives me chills the way he sings it."
W: "I know, he's so good!"
P: "Yay Elliot! I'm so happy for him! I think it might be the wine kicking in."
W: "I'm sort of straddling the Eliot and Chris camp."
P: "I'll straddle Chris."
W: "You'll straddle Ace. And ride him like a pony."

Pie: I liked him as much as Paris. I will give him a 9.
Weet: You know what? I'm going 10. I don't give out many tens, but I'm going 10. And that may be the wine talking.

Kellie, "Bewitched, Bothered, and Bewildered"
[They cut to Kellie]
W & P: "Oh, God."
[Rod Stewart checks out Kellie's boobs.]
P: "Did Rod Stewart just check out her boobs?"
W: "Yeah he did."
[Kellie performs]
W: "And once again we have this fugly color..."
[Esteban arrives with dinner. We pause for Pad Thai. Kellie has a stupid look on her face.]

I will take this opportunity, while the television is paused, to say that when we said we drunk dialed Kim's podcast, we were not being figurative.

P: "I don't like her fake eyelashes. Or her fake everything about her ever."
Esteban: "I'm waiting for Long Dong Silver to come out and bukkake her."
W: "I'd give her a 10 if that happened."
P: "That was an off note."
W: "She almost had my admiration there. It was doing well until the end, where it fell apart. She started really well. And she's wincing! She knows."
P: "Paula always does this when someone does bad. She compliments what they're wearing."
W: "Look at you! You're wearing a shirt! It's blue!"

Pie: I still think it was better than most of her stuff. I give it a 5.
Weet: I will give her a 4.
Esteban: I'll give her a 3, for the 3 male parts. Lefty, Righty, and Frank. [Cracks up.]
Weet: Ladies, gentlemen, and Pick Pickler, I apologize for Esteban.

Ace, "That's All"
[Ace preview.]
W: "Next, live in Mo's crotch, it's Ace! Wait, Mo, you have to see this." [Pauses television.]
P: "Oh my god, the short hair. The blue tie." [Fans self.] "He looks hot."
W: "Based on that look alone, I think he's done."
P: "I think he's done too, but..."
[Ace performs]
W: "He's so dreamy."
P: "Oh, and I love this song."
W: "Yeah."
P: "He. Looks. Hot. Oh wait, he's wearing a bun. I take it back. I still like the tie, though. And the suit fits him really well."
W: "Extra points for the suit. Because the suit is good."
Esteban: "My god, one of you take an anti-estrogen pill."
P: "He's doing a good job. I like everyone tonight. He's...very pretty! He's very pretty!"
W: "That suit is good."

Pie: I will give him a 7. He did a lot better than I expected. And I love the suit.
Weet: I will match your 7.

Katharine, "Someone To Watch Over Me"
W: "Rod Stewart is going to make out with Katharine. And now he's... making out with his handler. Wow, he loves Katharine. Rod Stewart is in love with his first brunette in history."
[Katharine sings]
P: "I'm downloading fucking everything tonight."
W: "Yeah, they're doing well. I like her eyeshadow but I hate her eyeliner. Why did they line her eyes with blue when they did an apricot shadow? Why? WHY!?"
P: "Extreme close-up."
W: "Is she in the pimp spot? Do we have anyone else? No. She's seventh."
P: "I feel like she's done a little better. I like Paris tonight better than her. And she keeps totally playing to the camera, and it's a little weird."
W: "The backlight is catching her ear and making her look like an embryonic fox or something. Is it Lilo and Stich where the eyes light up?"
P: "I don't know."
W: "She looks like a combination of Lilo and Stich."

Pie: I give her an 8.
Weet: I'll match that 8.

19 points: Elliot
18 points: Paris
16.5 points: Chris
16 points: Katharine
15 points: Taylor
14 points: Ace
7 points: Kellie

P.S. Mo pie loves comments.

*The correct spelling is cravat. Bonus points for Pie!

Wednesday, April 12, 2006

In Which Ace Probably Goes Home

Okay, reality television people. Moving Amazing Race to Tuesdays was one thing, because we have this TiVo-type thing that allows us to tape two things at once, so I guess that was okay, even though you did it in the middle of the season inexplicably. But now we've got American Idol starting a half hour early, at the same time as Race and America's Next Top Model. This is really challenging our multitasking abilities. How are we supposed to watch three shows, drink all the wine, eat our crab-stuffed mushroom, eggplant and un-pie feast, and drunk-dial Kim's podcast simultaneously? It's too much! We're not magicians here!

Dial Idol is predicting an Ace-Bucky-Chris bottom three, although Ace and Bucky are really close, as are Chris and Katharine. In our pool, we have two Aces, a Bucky, two Parises, and three Elliots. Some residual Lisas and Kevins from people who generally would benefit if Bucky goes home. So as always, we'll see what happens.

We note that Kellie looks pretty and that Ryan still has Dunkelman's ghost in his pocket.

P: "Randy's wearing a horrifying shirt again."
Paula: [Simon] just tickled me under the table.
W: "With his cock?"
P: "Ryan is also wearing a tie tack that sparkles. I am oddly hypnotized by his tie tack.
W: "I like how they're pretending a white guy isn't going to win. Wait, Simon's a millionaire?"
P: "Oh, totally."
W: "Suddenly, he's hot."
[Recap of last night.]
P: "I still think Ace was pretty good. I dunno."
W: "That note was good. This wine is good."
P: "Bucky is kind of growing on me, weirdly. And Katharine is kind of un-growing on me."

P: "They're showing a montage of the contestants and, like, fat girls."
W: "That's what they're doing, alright. And listen to Chris! He's so good. And Bucky's so not."
P: "This montage is throwing me off."
W: "When did Queen record a Coke commercial?"
P: "Another one bites the dust."
W: "That's just mean."
[Weetabix expresses her love for every Queen song that is included in this medley.]
P: "Taylor's good too! I'm happy if anyone but Kellie wins at this point."
W: "I think our comments were right. I think Katharine really is a Scientologist."
P: "Hmm?"
W: "Let's have Un-Pie!"

[Ford Commercial]
P: "Wow, they all look hideous."
W: "Poor Paris, that's all I can say. Ooh, gratuitious hot guy arms!"
P: "Oh, that's nice."
W: "Wet Chris! Wet Chris! Bucky, on the other hand, is wearing sleeves."
P: "Ace looks incredibly gay."
W: "And they just did a crotch-cam shot up Paris's skirt. Poor Paris. That's almost kiddie porn."
[Everyone misses country cooking.]
Ryan: Elliot, what do you miss?
W: "'Matzoh ball soup...'"
Ryan: Ace, you clearly haven't missed the gym
W: "I'm glad Ryan hasn't missed Ace's hotness."
P: "Ace's mom is very pretty."
W: "I think we know where Elliot got his looks."
P: "Again, Taylor's mom looks younger than he does. And Paris's mom looks exactly like her."
W: "Wow, Bucky's mom has all her teeth. And there's an angel in the background, how sweet. And Chris's dad looks exactly like him, except with hair and a beard."
P: "That's a toupee."
W: "That's a bad toupee. Aw, Elliot's such a puss. That kind of makes me like Elliot more."

W: "I really hate Rod Stewart."
P: "I do too. I know someone who wrote one of his songs, though."
W: "Really?"
P: "Yeah. 'Rhythm of my Heart.'"
W: "The man continues to get the hottest women in creation, yet he looks like a gargoyle."

[Taylor's band montage]
W: "Looking at Taylor's band, I'm impressed. He's the handsomest one out of all of them."
P: "I think Taylor's not bad. Wait, he was born in 1976?"
[Argument about how old Taylor is, 28 or 29.]
P: "I'm still traumatized by the fact that I'm older than Taylor."
W: "Look at how they have everyone seated. The top row is Katharine, Chris, and Pick Pickler."
P: "Yeah, they're safe."
W: "No, I think someone from the top row is going to the seal."
[Katharine's montage]
W: "Katharine's so pretty. I'm swayed by her pretty. Oh! Ryan just gave her his Dunkleman!"
P: "She wiped her eyes with Dunkelman!"
[Chris's montage]
W: "Oh my god! Chris with hair! Chris with hair!"
P: "I ;ole Cjros/" [looks at screen] "I should keep that typo. It's kind of funny."
W: "Chris is safe. Is it too much to hope for Pick Pickler on the seal?"
P: "Yes, it's too much to hope for."

W: "Kellie is smiling because she has nothing to fucking worry about."
P: "She just called Dunkelman a snot rag."
W: "She's so cute."
[Pick Pickler montage]
W: "Ryan just called her Pickler too."
P: "Well they already have an idol named Kelly. They don't have one named Pickler."
W: "Alright, so bottom row... is fucked."
P: "Ryan just flung Dunkleman on the floor. He's being so abused."
[Elliot's montage]
W: "Aw. He was a cute baby. When did everything go wrong?"
P: "Aw, Elliot's mom."
W: "She's so sweet."
P: "And Elliot's in trouble. I like Elliot though. Suddenly I like Elliot."
W: "Poor Elliot."
P: "They're having Elliot sing. Total filler. But he's not gonna get laminated."
W: "They're gonna have him do random singing, now? He's doing his singout song right now?"
P: "He did tears, he pointed at his eyes! They're all taking lessons from Ace."
W: "Ace is backstage coaching. That's going to be his legacy. Ace can't go for many more years on just his looks.... I don't understand why they're having Elliot randomly sing in the middle of this."
P: "Maybe Queen cancelled or something."
W: "Maybe they found out that Kellie wasn't gonna give them
another blowjob."
P: "Elliot is good."
W: "Elliot IS good. He's actually got a little bit of charisma. And now Ryan's chastising us again."

W: "Ace knows he's gone."
P: "Ace knows and the audience knows. He's so pretty though. I like his tongue."
W: "'I like his tongue'? Jesus."
P: "He needs to cut his hair, though."
W: "He's crying! It's drops of Jupiter."
P: "Are they going to make him sing randomly? Paula doesn't think he's in trouble, then who is in trouble?"
W: "I don't wanna look at his armpit anymore."
P: "I'm not necessarily into his armpit, but I will be very happy if his prettiness stays another week."
W: "He's changing it up."
P: "I still think he's good enough to stay. I'm sorry."
W: "You don't have to apologize, I don't blame you. I do, however, vote off his armpit. And his leather pants."
P: "I can't believe you want to vote off his leather pants."
W: "Do you know how many cattle had to die to swath his ass?"

[Bucky montage]
P: "I can't understand a word Bucky's dad is saying."
W: "He's got marbles in his mouth. It's genetic. Aw, what can you say about a town where Bucky's all you've got? Time to move."
[Paris montage]
P: "Paris's grandmother looks exactly like the other two, and they're all about 20 years old."
W: "Her grandmother is HOT."
P: "She is absolutely hot."
W: "She's wearing a bathroom rug as a shirt, but she's absolutely hot."
[Paris is safe]
W: "The bottom three is all-male. This is weird. There's only two minutes left, but he has to sing?"
P: "Bucky has grown on me too. I don't know what's wrong with me."
W: "I don't know. He's not offensive. He's kind of harmless. That's what Bucky is. Mostly harmless."
P: "Of the three of them, I would rather see Bucky go home."
W: "Yeah, because Elliot is talented, and Ace is hot. And Bucky is country, just like Pickler... you know, if I had to pick between Bucky and Pickler, I'd kick Pickler."
P: "Oh, absolutely I'd kick Pickler."

[Bucky is laminated]
W: "Oh my god, Bucky! I'm surprised. I thought it would've been Ace."
P: "Well yeah. Aw, Bucky."
W: "Bucky had a bad day."
P: "I think this is the right call."
W: "Yeah. Between the three of them. I think the right call overall was Pickler. Poor Buckster."
[Moment of sadness]

Pool results:
Editrix is this week's winner with 13 points. 12 points for Pie and Shmuel. 11 points for Merr, Ana, Trance, Weet, and Bailey. 10 points for Martha and Celine. And 6 points for the parakeets, who loved Bucky. Current totals:

52 points: Martha, Pie
51 points: Ana, Bailey
50 points: Trance
49 points: Celine
48 points: Shmuel
46 points: Weet
44 points: Editrix
39 points: Merr, parakeets

Thanks for all your blog comments, and thanks for playing along!

Tuesday, April 11, 2006

Top 8 Will, Top 8 Will, Rock You

Welcome to Queen night. Bucky and "Fat Bottomed Girls"? Pick Pickler and "Bohemian Rhapsody"? Ace and "We Will Rock You"? We can't wait.

For those of you who want to play along at home, our first wine for the evening is Cosentino Meritage from 1999. It is a delight. Tonight we will be pairing this wine with garlic and basil stuffed chicken breasts, and Sugar Free Jell-O Pudding in plastic cups.

Shout-out to the person who found our site via the Google search "kenny rogers looks strange." Why yes. Yes he does.

P: "Dunkelman! Dunkleman's ghost is back!"
W: "When do the American Idols take an elevator and walk across a glass bridge? And then lasers spring from their microphone?"
P: "In the finale."
W: "Fantasia's there!"
P: "Really? She did the best version of 'Crazy Little Thing Called Love.'"
W: "I remember that. And I like Randy's glasses. But once again he's got the stripes."
P: "But no vest, thank god."
W: "And Dunkelman's only got one arm up. 'Hello!'"
P: "Hee. I love Dunkelman's ghost."
W: "God, I hope Kellie asks where Freddie Mercury was."
[Discussion during Queen segment where Weetabix spots Mandisa. Indeed, Mandisa is there, talking to Queen. They're showing only the bits where they can cut Mandisa out. And then there's a picture of the whole group, which Mandisa is also in.]

Bucky, "Fat Bottomed Girls"
=P: "Go Bucky!"
W: "You know what my problem is with Bucky? He always seems to be a bearded short fat guy away from Jay and Silent Bob. I always expect him to go, like...."
P: "Snootchie bootchies?"
W: "Snootchie bootchies!"
P: "I like his voice on this song."
W: "He's got the point-to-the-camera thing down. And you know what? I have to point this out. He's got the Chris lights happening."
P: "He's kind of rockin' it."
W: "Get on your bikes and ride! That's what he's supposed to say there! Get on your bikes and ride!"
P: "As long as he doesn't smile, he's almost attractive."
W: "Look how he towers over Ryan! And you're right. As long as he doesn't smile. He needs veneers."

Pie: 7!
Weet: I would say a 6. I'm not feeling 7-strong.

Ace, "We Will Rock You"
W: "You ready for your boyfriend?"
P: "I'm a little bit ashamed of that now. Oh wait, now I'm not. He's hot. Wait, is he wearing LEATHER PANTS?"
W: "Yes! And... talons or something on his necklace. Puka beads with... some kind of teeth. And I think he's wearing blush again."
P: "I would still kiss him."
W: "Where?"
P: "Queen hates Ace."
W: "Well, he's giving them tips."
[Ace begins performing.]
P: "I'm sorry, I can't get past the leather pants."
W & P: "God hands! Jesus hands!"
W: "You know what? No shit in his pocket."
P: "The leather pants trump shit in the pocket. And that was a nice note. Can we hear that note again?"
W: "Do you want me to leave you alone with the note?"
P: "I love this. This is good."
W: "I think I see his weiner."
P: "You're drunk."
W: "This is not bad. This is much better than the trail of tears bullshit. He's not pointing at anything."
[We pause the shot where you can see down his shirt.]
W: "Alright, alright, Ace is hot."
P: "Again, you're drunk."
W: "MICKEY DOLENZ! I'm excited about Mickey Dolenz!"
P: "I rest my case."

Pie: 8
Weet: 8
[The judges hate him. Clearly we are blinded by his sex appeal.]

Pick Pickler, "Bohemian Rhapsody"
P: "My daddy who's in prison likes Queen!"
W: "Wow, she turned this into porn. Esteban was right."
Queen Guy: She did pretty good.
W: "That's because she blew him behind the drum kit."
[Pick Pickler begins singing.]
W: "Oh my god, she's in dominatrix gear. And... I don't know what to say about this."
P: "Okay, her voice sounds horrifying!"
W: "It's awful! But at least she's got the rock slut eyes down. I might even like Kellie Pickler if she went the Courtney Love route and went around with one boob hanging out."
P: "This is really embarrassing. This couldn't be any more embarassing if she was Courtney Love."
W: "I hope that when she gets back on stage she goes, 'Do you like my bo-dy?'"
P: "That vocal was wretched."
W: "You missed it, she winked. She did the Pickler wink."
P: "The judges are deaf."
W: "That was really astoundingly bad, and that isn't even my hate coloring it. This is clearly slanted toward Pickler."
P: "She 'doesn't understand his accent'? COME ON, Pickler."
W: "It's all an act."

Pie: 2, and that's generous.
Weet: 2, only because I really like the way she's done her eyes.

Chris, "Innuendo"
P: "I love Chris. I know I'm supposed to love Chris, but... I love Chris."
W: "I actually like his voice a lot. Oh my god, help me, the walllet chain is back. And he's got a cuff!"
P: "He's kinda hot too."
W: "Chris lights! Chris lights! He is hot. I like the beard."
P: "I can see why they want him to win. He's the real deal. I downloaded that Live version of 'I Walk The Line' and Chris's is better."
W: "He's got eyeliner on. AND IT'S HOT."
P: "Nice."
W: "Yeah. He just owns that stage. He owns it."
P: "Mm hmm."
W: "Camryn Manheim!"
P: "Wait, is Chris's wife a big beautiful woman?"
W: "I think she is, kind of, but I meant literally, Camryn Manheim is in the audience."
P: "Wait, Paula, what?"
W: "You need to transcribe this shit because it makes no fucking sense."
Paula: Chris, I mean, that last note that was like, what a high-C? What did you? The? Lemme-- Chris, the region you-- the band's probably never performed live this because they probably don't want to, and only you probably could, and there've been more times that you have superceded even when the band performs-- that's why you should look back at the package and watch how they are in admiration over your performance.
W & P: [stunned silence]

Pie: 8.
Weet: 9, because he wore the wallet chain and I think it was a shout-out to me.

W: "I think Simon is only happy if he can envision a singer on his ball sac."
P: "I don't know what that means, but I'm gonna blog that."
[Debate over the spelling and/or hyphenation of 'ball sac.' Weetabix goes to get her AP style guide. It doesn't have an entry for 'ball sac' but none of the ball words have hyphens, so we're going with no hyphen. Weetabix wants "as much space as possible between me and Simon's ball sac" so she's going with a space.]

Katharine, "Don't Stop Me Now"
W: "Even Katharine's mother and sister are gorgeous."
P: "Everybody's getting crazy lighting."
W: "This is the pyramid of McPheever. You know, because..."
P: "I get it."
W: "Okay. Just sometimes I say things that seem really obvious and you don't understand them."
P: "She's doing Jesus hands."
W: "She is! I bet she pulled Ace aside before the show and said, 'So, what's this Jesus hands thing?'"
P: "I like her top, too!"
W: "I hate her belt."
P: "I like her belt."
W: "I hate it. But Katharine could probably wear anything but a stableboy outfit."
P: "I don't know about that expression at the end there. It wasn't that good."
W: "No."
P: "We are so totally disagreeing with the judges tonight."
W: "They liked KELLIE and they did not like that. You can't tell me they're not being guided by voices."

Pie: 5
Weet: 6

Elliott, "Somebody To Love"
W: "I like this song. I can't believe Elliott had never heard it before!"
P: "I've never heard it before."
W: "You'll know it when you hear it."
P: "He looks kind of nervous."
W: "This is a hard song."
P: "You're right, I do know this song. It's from Ella Enchanted!"
W: "Okay..."
P: "I like Ella Enchanted's version better."
W: "That's not saying a lot for Mr. Yamin. Is he gonna do it? He wimped out on the last note. Freddy Mercury is a very hard act to follow."
P: "I think it was pretty good."

Weet: 7
Pie: 7

Taylor, "Crazy Little Thing Called Love"
W: "Oh my god, I hate his outfit. And his legs are making me think about his penis."
P: "His legs make you think about his penis?"
[Taylor kicks over the microphone on the second try, we laugh hysterically. We rewind.]
W: "The claw!"
P: "Oh, the claw! Rewind the claw."
W: "Maybe it wasn't a claw. Maybe it was just a snap."
P: "He's no Fantasia. But he's pretty good. I like his running-up-and-down-the-stairs thing."
W: "It doesn't make up for how funny the microphone kick was."
P: "He's got some charisma, man."
W: "Yeah, he's not doing bad. I hope he doesn't break a hip."
P: "Hee."
W: "He's all Blues Brothery, Joe Cockerish... he gives it his all."
P: "That was my favorite Taylor performance so far."
W: "I especially love the failed microphone kick, though. That made it gold."

Pie: 8
Weet: 8

Paris, "The Show Must Go On"
P: "Wow, she looks kinda hot."
W: "She's doing the dominatrix thing, but way better than Kellie. Suddenly she doesn't look seventeen anymore."
P: "I like the fingerless gloves!"
W: "I haven't seen those since 1986."
P: "Wow. She's going great."
W: "That must be a wig, right?"
P: "It's gotta be."
W: "She's kinda got a Vagaqua belt."
W: "They're all stealing that from Ace. Ace may have nothing left except his pretty little face."
P: "Everyone was pretty good tonight!"
W: "Kellie was not good."
P: "Kellie was shitty, but she's not going home."

Pie: 8
Weet: 8

Final score:
17 points: Chris
16 points: Paris, Taylor, Ace
14 points: Elliott
13 points: Bucky
11 points: Katharine
4 points: Kellie

We think Ace is going home based on the suggestions implanted in people's minds. Although Kellie CLEARLY deserves to go home. I guess we'll see. Leave us a comment if you're out there reading! Weetapie out.

All Hail the Queen

According to USA Today, Pick Pickler's doing... wait for it... wait for it... Bohemian Rhapsody.

Ok, I have to admit it. I'm sort of giddy with excitement at how my loathing is going to soar to new levels when she winks at the camera and asks Scaramouche to let her go, y'all. Like, she picked that song because she thinks the Bohemian skirts are so cute and she totally wanted to, you know, rhapsody them.

Our man Bucky is doing singing Fat Bottomed Girls. The forecast tonight calls for partly cloudy with a very high chance of self-righteous fat girl indignation.

Friday, April 07, 2006

Haiku for Pickler

My local radio hosts were talking about Kellie today. They e-mailed Dean-the-hairdresser to find out if Kellie really had her own personal stylist (who charges $300 per cut) flown out to do her hair for the show. His reported answer was, "Yes, and we loved it, because it gave us a break from her."

Further gossip is that she's spent more than anyone else in Idol history on her wardrobe, going way over budget. The most money ever spent on a single item of clothing for the show was the red silk corset she wore on country night. They won't reveal the amount.

The radio show turned into a discussion about girls who "dumb themselves down to get ahead in life" and how horrifying that is. I agree, and give you...

Haiku for Kellie

Dumb the new pretty?
Kellie a fake? I blame you,
Jessica Simpson

Thursday, April 06, 2006

Haiku for Mandisa Part II

gay bash aside, Jesus knows
I just can't quit you

Wednesday, April 05, 2006

Top 9 Results

Weet's predicting Mandisa's ouster tonight (and so is our previous post). In our Idol pool, we have five Kellies (yeah, good luck with that), two Aces, two Buckys, a residual Lisa and a residual Melissa. We'll see what happens.

W: "Ryan's beard is progressing very nicely."
P: "You mean Ryan's Teri Hatcher?"
W: "Yes, his Teri Hatcher is looking good. And I like Ryan's suit combo tonight. Gray and light blue. I like it."
P: "His tie is too skinny. Oh, by the way, someone on the Idol boards got mad at 'W' for being mean to Kellie."
[Hysterical laughter from Weet.]
P: "I liked Kellie. Idol Forums likes me."
W: "Well it doesn't matter. All the W-hate in the world isn't going to get Kellie off the fuckin' stage."
P: "I miss Dunkleman's ghost in Ryan's pocket."
W: "Paula just called Simon 'booable.' That was so cute. It's like she was talking baby talk."
[Kenny Rogers comes out.]
W: "Ladies and gentleman, it's time to go to the bathroom and get a snack."
P: "Aw, don't be mean to Kenny! He's gonna tell us when to hold 'em and when to fold 'em!"
W: "Mandisa has an awesome shirt. It's a V for Vagaqua."
P: "I can't blog that, nobody will understand it."
W: "Okay, V for Vanquished."
P: "Wait, Kenny's not singing the Gambler?"
W: "No, I told you. He's going to sing a song nobody's ever heard of. And that sucks."
P: "Sigh."
W: "Tuck in your shirt, Kenny Rogers. It looks silly."
P: "Kenny Rogers looks confused."
W: "Is that Pick Pickler next to Chris? I don't recognize her because I'm not seething with hatred. It's her hair. I'm confused by her pretty hair."
P: "Yeah, that's Kellie."
W: "Travis Tritt looks like the undead."
P: "They love Kenny more than they love Barry Manilow."
W: "That's because Kenny Rogers is approachable, whereas Barry is just perfection."

W: "This ancient vine Zinfandel is very good. Oh, it's the Ford commercial! Is this a chop shop? Yeah, I always chop my cars wearing fishnets. And I don't like what they're saying. That the rest of them work for Kellie."
P: "Ryan just called Kellie dumb."
W: "I think America just called Kellie dumb."
P: "Queen!"
W: "Mandisa HAS to be around for 'Fat Bottomed Girls'! Okay, the music of Queen, I'm so excited for that. Because you know Taylor is going to do 'Bohemian Rhapsody,' and that's going to be gold."
[Three groups.]
P: "Taylor is in one group, and that group's not going anywhere."
W: "I think the middle group is the bottom three right there."
P: "Ace needs to cut his hair. But he has nice shoulders."
W: "I like his outfit, although he has shit in his pocket yet again. Does he not read the blog?
P: "It's really obvious which group is which, if you read spoilers, anyway."
W: "Dear Kellie Pickler. Your black roots are really bothering me. Sincerely, Weetabix."
Ryan: What have you done?
W: "I love when Ryan's all, AMERICA, WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!?"
P: "Okay, duh, the Taylor, Kellie, Chris group is safe."
W: "Paula's got this rictus grimace going on. Uh oh! And Paris's outfit? She looks like Punky Brewster."

P: "Katharine's tits look great again."
W: "They do. I think they've got their own lighting."
[Bottom three revealed.]
P: "Paris! Punky!"
W: "Poor Mandisa. Don't hate the gays. Wait, a break? We just came back from a break! That was just stupid."

[Commercials. AGAIN.]
P: "Oh, Paris is safe."
W: "I told you! I nailed that bottom two. Elliot or Mandisa. And Dial Idol was correct."
P: "I wouldn't be surprised with either of them going hoe."
W: "I think Simon might be right, and Elliot is going home."
[Mandisa is laminated.]
W: "OOH. You dreamed correctly. And there is a stunned silence across the audience."
P: "I did! I am psychic. National Enquirer here I come."
W: "God is bigger than this, Mandisa."
P: "She seems so sweet."
W: "I'm so sorry. I refuse to believe she is anti-gay."
P: "This is pretty sad, actually."
W: "It is. She's fantastic. Oh, Ryan, whose feet are you going to touch now?"
P: "I'm going to miss having a hot fat chick on this show."
W: "But you'll have a hot fat chick right in this room."
P: "This is a very weird elimination."
W: "Paris isn't crying. I think she's just happy it wasn't her."

Pool results:
A lot of people got screwed this week. The top scorers were Pie and Merr with 9 points each. Then came Martha with 8 and Trance with 7; everyone else got 6 points. Current standings:

42 points: Martha
40 points: Ana, Pie, Bailey
39 points: Trance, Celine
36 points: Shmuel
35 points: Weet
33 points: the parakeets
31 points: Editrix
28 points: Merr

Also if Wade and Guppy were in our pool, they'd be winning: Guppy would have 50 points and Wade would have 45. Okay, we're off to drink One True Wine and watch Amazing Race. Thanks for reading and linking! See you next week!

"What's the Scuttlebutt?"

The title quote, by the way, is a Dwight Schruteism. But to answer the question, the word on the street (read: the Television Without Pity spoiler thread) is that Mandisa is likely to go home tonight. The Dial Idol predictions, other spoiler numbers, and the interviews given by Nigel (who said he was "sick to his stomach" about the results) all seem to point that way (although they seem equally likely to point to Elliot). If Mandisa goes, I'm going to continue to believe she was bumped off by the gay mafia. Big mistake, Mandisa, alienating the gays. Big. Huge.

Tuesday, April 04, 2006

Top 9 Perform, Y'All

And here we are again, prepared to be tortured by country music. We have extra wine. Including Evolution, which disappeared from California a while back but was magically discovered last weekend in Milwaukee. Viva La Evolucion!

We just watched part of something that Weetabix TiVoed ("Idol Extra") which confirmed that in fact it was Debbie Gibson and Kristy Swanson in the audience. Weetabix has been vindicated. Also amidst the filler, they did have an interview with the contestants' vocal coach and that's kind of interesting.

W: "Seacrest is growing out a beard. I thought that was Teri Hatcher."
P: "Great, we've peaked."
W: "For country night, I bet Chris does the White Stripes version of Jolene."
P: "Kenny Rogers looks... weird."
W: "I think the Queer Eye guys got at Kenny Rogers. I'm afraid of this new Kenny Rogers. And if Kenny Rogers has a flavor saver tomorrow, I will kill myself."

Taylor, "Take Me Home Country Roads"
P: "This is actually the most I've ever liked Taylor."
W: "He's not doing bad. He's containing the claw. "
P: "Aww, the claw. I miss the claw."
W: "You know, Taylor might actually benefit from a goatee. He should borrow Kenny's."
P: "He's not actually hitting the notes, though."
W: "Yeah, when he sings 'West Virginia' it's like Bobby Brady all over again!"
P: "Do you mean... Peter Brady?"
W: "Oh. Yeah. Good wine!"
P: "Oh my god, Taylor's grandfather looks younger than he does!"
W: "I think that's his grandchild. And Randy is dressed like an extra from Gunsmoke. Stripes, paisley, plaid, and a couple of charm bracelets. Yeah, that says country."

Pie: I will give him a 6.
Weet: I'm not that optimistic about tonight, so I'm giving him a 5.

Mandisa, "Any Man Of Mine"
W: "I love these high production values. Ryan is clearly not in control of this situation."
P: "That sign says 'Chicks Love Hicks.' Oh, Taylor Hicks. I seriously thought they were talking about Bucky and Kellie."
Ryan: What are you guys sipping tonight?
W: "Well, Ryan, we are sipping Evolution. Wait, they have to sing Kenny Rogers country? I thought it was just country."
P: "I love Mandisa's top again."
W: "Love her top. And look, she paid attention, she got pointies! Mandisa's a reader!"
P: "I love that she's willing to wear horizontal stripes, man."
W: "But I have to say in this case, perhaps she shouldn't. She looks like a triangle. But I do love that she's totally willing to go out there and wear a halter."
P: "Yay Mandisa!"
W: "She rocked it. She somehow made it not country and made me not hate it. RACHEL BILSON! Summer from The O.C.! I love how they went from D-listers to B-listers."
P: "Randy has no room to criticize anyone on anything when he's wearing that."
W: "He actually looks like one of those color blind tests they give at the DMV. No, I take that back. I'm going back to bartender on Gunsmoke."
P: "It's... something."
W: "Mandisa's touching Randy's leg. Does she know about his secret? That's not bigger than God?"
P: "Thank god we are liveblogging this, or nobody would ever believe we made that joke first."
W: "Seacrest out."

Pie: 7
Weet: 6

Elliot, "If Tomorrow Never Comes "?
P: "Kenny Rogers hates Elliot. I hate what Elliot's wearing around his neck.
W: "They're not telling us what the songs are."
P: "Oh my god, I see the bat thing, all of a sudden! I think it's the ears."
W: "It's the ears and the freaky teeth."
P: "The song's over. That didn't register at all with me."
W: "Apparently it's Garth Brooks. My knowledge of country is limited to whatever people sing in karaoke bars."
Paula: You just have that... careless...
W: "Whisper? Do guilty feet have no rhythm?"
P: "Paula is flapping her arms like a bat. I think the judges are in our heads."
W: "I think that the cuteness of Paula's hair is inversely proportional to how high she is. Her hair looks great."

Pie: 5, because I really don't know.
Weet: 6, just because Garth Brooks is vaguely hot, despite the country thing.

Paris, "How Do I Live?"
W: "I would like to point out that my mother had that exact outfit in 1981. Including the hairstyle."
[Debate about Paris's hair. Pie thinks she cut it, Weet thinks last week's was a wig.]
W: "Anybody who can't sing Faith Hill is broken. Even Faith Hill can sing Faith Hill."
P: "I like this song. But I don't like what key she's singing it in."
W: "It's like it's straining her voice to sing this low."
P: "Plus, she stole Katharine's stableboy outfit from last week."
W: "She looks like an extra from Prince Valiant. I think the wardrobe department needs some stalls to be mucked out."
P: "She doesn't sound good."
W: "Last week they told her she sounded 'too young.' I guess now she's trying to sound like a 55-year-old barfly who's been smoking two packs of Marlboros a day since the Truman administration."

Pie: I'm gonna give her a 4, I didn't like it.
Weet: I'll match that 4. In poker they would call that Sailboats.

Ace, "I'm Going To Cry"
W: "Ace is like, 'Okay Kenny, I need a song with a lot of nouns so that I have something to do while I'm on the stage. Points for teeth, eyes, mouth, hair... and maybe nipple.'"
P: "I'm ashamed to find him so pretty."
W: "He's going to do trails of tears, I bet."
P: "Ooooh. That was not a good note."
W: "This is like the country version of 'Wind Beneath My Wings.'"
P: "Another unfortunate note."
W: "Oh Ace. You look so pretty and you sound so bad."
P: "Ace is in trouble."
W: "Do you think his name is really Ace? I bet it's Chad. Or Jeff."

Pie: 3
Weet: 5

W: "'Pickler live' next. What number to I call to vote for Pickler dead? Or... maybe in a coma."

Kellie, "Fancy"
W: "Wow, they're asking her about sal-mon. They read Vote for the Worst."
Ryan: So this is the real you right here?
P: "Um, the real her has some fake tits."
W: "Reba? Oh my god, every fucking drunken karaoke bitch does that song."
P: "Yeah, she's not going anywhere."
W & P: "And she's getting the Chris lights! CHRIS LIGHTS!"
W: "Ladies and gentlemen, the tide has turned! This is the moment! The studio execs have picked Pickler. I bet Chris is backstage going, 'Goddamn bitch.'"
P: "That was good though."
W: "I can't wait until next week when it's opera and Kellie's all, 'Whut's opruh?'"

Pie: 7.5. Sorry.
Weet: I agree with Simon, but on principle, I'm giving her a 2. Had it been Katharine, she would have been 10 with a bullet. But right now I'd like to take that bullet and do something else with it.

Chris, "No Idea Because They're Not Putting Them On Screen"
P: "I don't know this song Chris is singing."
W: "I'm sure Nine Inch Nails covered it."
P: "When he doesn't have the lights flashing on him, it kind of looks like he has cotton balls in his cheeks."
W: "He's hot, I don't care. He kind of keeps my interest with the way he keeps changing his facial hair. It intrigues me."
P: "He's good."
W: "He's doing a good job. I can't wait until they make a movie about Chris and Vin Diesel plays him. Doing the final two shirtless."
P: "He's got waxed eyebrows."
W: "Those are very groomed! Those are some groomed eyebrows. I'm not opposed to manscaping."

Weet: That didn't sound country but I totally bought that he was doing country. An 8.
Pie: A 7.

Katharine, "Bringing Out The Elvis"
W: "Better outfit tonight. Good hair. Cute jeans."
P: "I'm annoyed that they're not telling us the songs. I'm putting random lyric snippets in the title."
W: "I think there are secret messages written on Katharine's jeans."
P: "She's cute. People, like, hate her. I don't understand why."
W: "Because she's perfect. She does seem to know that she's very perfect. I think that's what it is."
P: "But she's so cute!"
W: "Plus, she's very good. That was fantastic."
P: "And she just called out Simon successfully. It's not her fault he doesn't like country."

Weet: 8.5
Pie: Uh, 7.5. Tied with Kellie. (Weet: "Whatever. Get out of this house.")

Bucky, "Sol You Seldom Wahy "
P: "Nobody ever gets eliminated in the pimp spot at the end of the show. He's not going anywhere."
W: "Are you sure? Because this sucks."
P: "I can't even make out any lyrics to make up a title for this song."
W: "Finish your wine so you can try this one, because I don't really like it."
P: "But I'm drinking Evolution, and it's so good."
W: "This one's from Spain, and the wine store said it would be a $30 or $40 bottle if it was from California or Australia."
[Pie downs her wine. Weet pours new wine.]
P: "It tastes like butter feet."
W: "Butter feet? Alright. We'll pour it out."
P: "Wait, Bucky's done! We haven't said anything about Bucky!"
W: "I think that's commentary enough."

Pie: I guess 3?
Weet: My score will be mrrph muuh phh.
Pie: Which is what?
Weet: 3. Wait, what did I give Pickler? A 2? Alright. I will give him a 1.5.

Katharine: 16
Chris: 15
Mandisa: 13
Taylor & Elliot: 11
Kellie: 9.5
Paris & Ace: 8
Bucky: 4.5

Pie: "I really have no idea who's going home. Except it's not going to be Kellie."
Weet: "It's not going to be Pickler and it's not going to be Chris."
Pie: "It very well might be Ace."

Thank you and goodnight! See you tomorrow when Kenny teaches us about counting our money while we're sittin' at the table.

Monday, April 03, 2006

This Is Why My Parakeets Chose Bucky

Unlike Chris Daughtrey, Bucky has never killed a bird with the sound of his voice. That we know of.

Man, I had no idea what a close call I had, playing American Idol for the birds. I'm lucky that they chose to express their feelings about Kellie Pickler by pooping disapprovingly, instead of keeling over or exploding or something.

This Wednesday's Celebrity Guest

Guess who is going to be the celebrity guest talent on Wednesday's results show?

I'll give you a hint:

Roasted Chicken.

Seriously, what else is Kenny Rogers going to do these days? I hope he wears a white suit, as he was wearing on his celebrated 1981 album Kenny's Greatest Hits, which my grandmother bought for me off a K-Tel commercial.

Is it too much to ask that Dolly comes along and they do Islands In The Stream? Of course it is, because he's going to do something off his new album, one that has so far only sold fourteen copies. A new album that will not tell us when to hold 'em nor when to fold 'em.

You know what the worst part of this is? That we're probably stuck with Bucky and Pickler for at least another week.

Sunday, April 02, 2006

Haiku for Mandisa

Yesterday I had a dream that Mandisa was eliminated, which I figured I'd post here just in case I'm right and therefore can begin a new lucrative career predicting American Idol eliminations in The National Enquirer. And then today I read this Advocate article, which suggests that Mandisa might be anti-gay, throwing her comments about God "being fatter than your lifestyle" into interesting relief. I don't know how many Idol voters are pro-gay (Clay did, after all, lose...) or if this will affect her standings, but it does make me slightly disappointed. Disappointed enough, in fact, to write this haiku.

Haiku for Mandisa

How can it be true?
Ryan's foot fetish fag hag:
You must love the gays.